'AITA for ghosting a guy because he insisted on going for drinks on our first date?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for ghosting a guy because he insisted on going for drinks on our first date?"
I (20F) had been talking to this guy (22M) for about a month. We knew each other from school (he was a senior) and reconnected recently. The conversations were fun, flirty, and I was open to meeting him in person to see where things might go.
When we started planning a first date, he kept suggesting we go to a bar and get drinks. I personally don’t feel super comfortable drinking with someone I haven’t met properly yet, especially on a first date.
I live in India, where that kind of setting—especially as a woman—can feel a little unsafe or just…not ideal unless I already know/trust the person. So I subtly tried to suggest alternatives like coffee or lunch, hoping he’d take the hint. But every time, he pushed for drinks again.
It wasn’t aggressive or anything, but it felt dismissive of my comfort. After a few back-and-forths like this, I ended up just losing interest and stopped replying. Now I’m wondering: was that unfair of me? Should I have been more direct instead of ghosting him? Or was I right to just dip if I wasn’t feeling respected or unsure?
EDIT: I guess ‘ghosting’ wasn’t the ideal word to use, I made up an excuse as to why I could not meet him (family commitment) when he just wouldn’t budge on the drinks idea.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
kaysowot wrote:
He was insisting on going for drinks because he probably wanted to get you drunk and try to shag you. Hints about coffee or lunch or blatant communication about going for coffee or lunch would unlikely change what he wanted here.
OP responded:
That's it! People are suggesting I could’ve just gone and had something non-alcoholic but men don’t understand how certain men can act in a situation like that- pushing to get you drunk so it can affect the girl’s judgement or worse.
It’s one of the most uncomfortable situations to be in not saying this guy would definitely do this- but I’ve been in enough uncomfortable situations to run the other away at the possibility.
SeraphiM0352 wrote:
Speak up! "No thanks, I prefer to go for coffee on a first date" Problem solved.
rebelSun25 wrote:
Really. This actually works, ladies. Men too...communicate and listen.
Levelheaded411 wrote:
You should have said I’m not comfortable going for drinks yet but I’d love to grab coffee sometime. Be more direct.
OrdinaryWords wrote:
I don't know why commenters are saying you didn't communicate when you clearly did. I guess they're dumb.
You're not wrong for losing interest. People literally are on their best behavior in the beginning and this is his best? Yuck.
WasteLeave900 wrote:
If he wasn’t aggressive or anything, not sure why you felt the need to ghost him instead of just being honest and upfront. Instead of hinting, why weren’t you using your words and telling him straight up exactly what you’ve just told everyone here?
SeparateCzechs wrote:
That he insists on drinks sounds suspicious to me. Like he’s relying on you drinking alcohol. Or him drinking alcohol. Or maybe him adding something to your drink when you aren’t looking. Someone insisting that we meet somewhere that serves a substance well known to drop inhibitions and impede judgement makes me very worried. I went on a first date like this when I was 22. He was 37.
He very much wanted me to see all the work he did on the basement of his house. He was very proud of his renovations. That made me nervous. For the date I picked him up in my car and drove to the restaurant. I didn’t go in his house.
He kept urging me to have drinks with dinner. I declined(because I was driving) he tried to initiate intimacy in my car between dinner and the movie. I shut that down. We watched the movie. I took him home. He kept insisting that I come in for a drink and so he can show his basement renovations that he was so proud of. I refused and the date was over.
He called the next day and asked to step out again and I told him that it was best we part friendly. Then the stalking began. Six months of stalking. Driving through my neighborhood until he found my house. It didn’t end until I took all the things he was sending to my house, The voicemail that he left that ranged from pleading to threatening to the Police and asked them to intervene.
A day later, OP shared an update.
Hi again, I didn’t expect my original post to get so much attention this is my first time making an update post, but thank you to everyone who shared their perspectives — especially those who took the time to understand the cultural and safety context of dating in India.
So I thought I’d give a small update since a lot of you suggested being direct rather than ghosting, just to see how he reacts and confirm my instincts. To clarify: I had actually canceled our earlier plan by giving the excuse of “family commitments” because I was already feeling weird about the drinks thing, not just straight up stopped replying like some comments thought.
But after reading the responses here, I decided to be more honest — for closure, if nothing else. So when he called I said something like: “We can try to meet next weekend if you’re still up for it, but I’d really prefer not to go for drinks”, I even suggested some of my favourite coffee spots His response?
1. He said he usually goes to the gym or works during the day so was hoping to meet a little later. Which… fine, that’s understandable since he does freelance work. 2. But then he followed it up with: “But I bet you’d be very fun drunk."
Yeah. That creeped me out more than I expected. Not only did it dismiss what I just said again, it also gave off the exact vibe I was trying to avoid — like the main appeal of the date was how I’d behave after drinking. I ended up giving vague answers to his follow-ups and haven’t taken the conversation further. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to.
The internet continued to share their thoughts.
Daves_World16 wrote:
Dude wanted to get you drunk in hopes he could f#$k you. Maybe even SA you. Smart moves girlie.
BasicRabbit4 wrote:
100%. If he had any interest in getting to know her outside of s#$ually he wouldn't be pushing so hard to get her to drink. He doesn't want to do coffee or any other date bc that won't immediately lead to s#$and he doesn't want to invest meaningful time on OP.
floridaeng wrote:
Or he can't think of anything to do that doesn't include drinking, and usually to excess.
Curious-One4595 wrote:
Yeah, this guy has a drinking problem. And a boundary problem. And an ethical problem. But they won't be your problems. Don't take anything to do with this man further.