'AITA for telling my husband his gift for his son won't be received the way he wants it to be?'
"AITA for telling my husband his gift for his son won't be received the way he wants it to be?"
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My husband Rich and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children together ages 13 and 11. Rich has two children from his marriage to his late wife, May. My stepkids are 24 and 23. My stepson is the oldest, stepdaughter is the youngest.
When Rich first found out he was going to be a father he started a scrapbook for his son that had photos and written memories and little mementos added in that he continued throughout the next 25 years.
He did the same for his other three children as well. This book documents everything from fun memories to sweet and heartfelt ones to even some more heartbreaking ones, like the loss of May.
My husband has decided the scrapbook will be his gift to his son for his 25th birthday. He included all sorts of family photos and moments in this scrapbook including since we got married and had our kids.
But both my stepkids have been pretty clear that they do not have a fondness for me or for their half siblings and they have no trace of us in their homes. When he moved out he left behind photos he was in that included me and my children (his half siblings).
And when my husband mentioned he had forgotten some photos my stepson replied he had double and triple checked and had everything he wanted. My stepdaughter was a little more clear and she actually tossed any unwanted photos in the trash before she moved out.
On their social media they post family photos but funnily enough they never have me or their half siblings included. They never acknowledge us online at all.
My stepkids both also said they'd like it if their dad didn't bring us because if he's visiting they'd like to see him and only him. My husband brushed off that comment by saying he could stop by on his own too but they'd never see the rest of us if we didn't visit.
I'll say right here I was not an affair partner nor did I ever expect the kids to forget about their mom or replace her with me. Nor did I expect my husband to. I did not push myself on them.
The kids never spoke out against us getting married or brought any issues to me or my husband about us. And we did talk to them. It really only became apparent after they became adults.
So when my husband brought up that he was going to gift the scrapbook to his son for his 25th birthday, I asked him if he was sure and he was like why not, his son would love it and he couldn't wait for us all to go through it together.
I told him I wasn't so sure he'd love all of it given his refusal to have photos of me or the kids in his home. He told me it's not like he could remove them. I didn't comment. He asked me what I expected and then asked if I thought he'd rip those pages out or something.
I said yes. He asked why I was being so negative and I told him that given the last several years I really didn't think the gift would be received the way he's expecting. My husband told me my negativity was too much and he was unhappy with me thinking of his kids like that. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
T-nightgirl
NTA; your hubs is in denial, as others are saying. I think it might be best to let it go at this point though. Hopefully the son doesn't destroy the scrapbook.
The OP responded here:
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I don't think he'd destroy the whole thing. I can see him tearing out pages that mention or have photos of me and the kids.
BendyPopNoLockRoll
We should mention the only reason your husband is able to remain in denial about this is YOU are the one who is being punished for existing. Your husband doesn't deal with shit treatment from his kids, you do.
Why are you allowing people to treat you this way, and why are you allowing your husband to act like it isn't happening? His wife is being disrespected and he's been acting for years like it isn't even happening. That's not husband material, that's little boy material.
Tasty_Doughnut_9226
NTA your husband has his head buried in the sand.
Have you all done family therapy?
The OP again responded here:
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In the past, yes. Not recently.
WelfordNelferd
NTA. Your husband is in major denial re: how his kids feel about you and their half-siblings. That said, if he's bent on giving this "gift", he can knock himself out...but his son will probably rip out the pages with pictures he doesn't want (best case) or it may put a rift between him and his Dad (worst case). I truly don't understand what your husband is thinking here.
Catcon95
NTA. I think you have handled this in the best way you possibly can. You have no delusion about your relationship with his children and the relationship they want to have with you.
But unfortunately your husband is still operating under the idea that you have successfully become one happy blended family. Its sad that's not the case but its good you can see that clearly.
I say let this lie, you have made your opinion known, if he still follows through with giving this gift then its on him to deal with any disappointment he receives from them. Remember, it doesn't matter how clearly you can see this is not a good idea. If he believes it is then let him do what he wants.
Telling him how his kids will react will only breed animosity towards you even if you are proven correct. Its best to just let the kids tell their dad how they feel regardless of how sad and disappointed you think he may be.