'AITA for shutting down my GIL after she tried to turn MY baby shower into HER baby shower?' UPDATED
"AITA for shutting down my GIL after she tried to turn MY baby shower into HER baby shower?'
Alright, I need your thoughts. Half of me thinks it’s my pregnancy hormones, the regulated part of me believes I have a right to be LIVID.
So my boyfriend’s grandma is very controlling. My mom, my grandma, and 3 of my aunts are planning my baby shower.
She has been calling my boyfriend saying she wants to help. I said okay, you can help with food (she’s a great cook). That was that. She’s been calling my boyfriend the past few weeks naming off people I HAVE to invite to the shower. Fine.
But then she starts naming off people I’ve never met, let alone my boyfriend hasn’t or doesn’t even speak to. We told her no and that we don’t want people we haven’t met/barely spoken to there. She got upset. Phone call ended.
I go over there because she wanted to talk about the food. My boyfriend left the room for a few minutes and she starts writing a ton of stuff on the list. Napkins, plates, cups, decor, prizes, etc. Trying to essentially PLAN it.
I told her my mom has that covered and I have a specific theme I want. She starts going off about how themed plates are trash and she can find cheaper. Again, I tell her my mom has it covered.
Then she starts talking to me about random people I HAVE to invite again. Including like 5 of her FRIENDS. I’m feeling awkward because I am not close with her, and being a high risk pregnancy I didn’t want to have another argument.
We already told her no. We’ve had lots of issues due to her controlling nature. (She said she was gonna take our kid and get her baptized If we didn’t once, for example. She meant it too.).
I give her the okay that she can call me if she has questions about the FOOD. She called me not even 10 minutes after we left and says, “Oh! I forgot 3 more people you have to invite.” I have no clue who they are. Not even my boyfriend.
I become visibly stressed, and my boyfriend grabs the phone and says, “We already said this is HER baby shower, you are a guest. She feels like she has no say in this shower at this point.
You cannot just invite 10+ people to her shower after she compromised on a few already just to keep the peace.” She kept talking about “more gifts” but I wanted an intimate shower to begin with and it’s already exploded into tons of people because of her.
I don’t care about more gifts. We have mostly everything we need. I just wanted a cute lil shower with our close family and friends, as I hate being center of attention and having random people I don’t know staring at me opening presents stresses me OUTTT. (Being a high risk pregnancy and her causing me this much stress, acting this way, and not even caring is absolutely insane to me atp).
She went OFF, y’all. Started saying “you’re gonna MAKE me pay for all this & I can’t invite all these people?!” and my boyfriend said, “we aren’t MAKING you do anything, you kept offering food.
She said ok because she wanted you to feel included in some way, and you’re taking advantage of that. You don’t have to do anything. Just come be a guest.” She continued, “They’re MY family. I’m allowed to invite them. I don't care.”
Then proceeds to say she’s going to throw her own baby shower if we keep telling her no, and even went as far as to say she’s not coming to ours anymore. Threatening, manipulating, controlling. There’s even more details to the story, but… you get the gist. AITA???
UPDATE: First, thank you to everyone who commented and reassured me that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. I really needed that because pregnancy hormones already have me questioning myself constantly.
So here’s the newest development. GIL went ahead and bought us a baby wagon and had it shipped to our house. Which, sure, is a generous gift… but now I have a pretty strong feeling it’s going to be used as leverage in this whole situation.
Given how the conversation went before, I would not be surprised at all if the wagon suddenly becomes something she holds over our heads. Like “after everything I’ve done for you” or “after the gift I bought you,” etc. For the record, we never asked her to buy the wagon. That was completely her choice.
At this point my boyfriend and I are on the same page that the boundaries we set about the baby shower are not changing. If she chooses not to come because she can’t control the guest list, that’s her decision.
At this point I’m just trying to focus on staying calm and keeping stress low since the high risk pregnancy and all. Hopefully things cool down, but if not, we’re still sticking to the boundaries we set.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, let her plan and throw her own baby shower. What an embarrassing immature attitude. Obviously dont go to the one she puts on.
It will be really weird for her guests when no pregnant lady shows up - let her reap what she sows.
NTA. Don't accept any money, gifts, or favours from her (including the food). Then emphasise that she is a regular guest with zero say. If she even inches out of line again, uninvite her.
NTA. I’d tell her I’m not inviting any of the people she wanted, she’s no longer invited to this one, she’s welcome to throw her own but that you won’t be in attendance so that would be weird tho. I would tread very carefully about her ever being alone around the baby after the baptize comment.
NTA. Tell her, if your offer to make food came with a contingency that you get to invite anyone you pleases then please don't make anything. I'll tell my family they need to figure out other food options as you are now coming as just a guest. If you decide you don't want to come at all if you can't invite your friends, I understand but I will not be doing or attending another shower.
I would also remind her that you have a high risk pregnancy and the stress she is putting you under isn't good for you or the baby, the conversation is done. You will either see her or not at the shower but other than the friends you've already agreed to no one else will be added. I want to add your BF is a keeper, he's taking your side over grandma....