'AITA for pointing out my girlfriend dresses like a homeless person and insisting she gets new clothes?' + UPDATE
"AITA for pointing out my girlfriend dresses like a homeless person and insisting she gets new clothes?"
I’m 23 finishing my last year for my Master’s. My girlfriend (Sarah) is 20 from the same university. Her parents are abusive, and they all grew up dirt poor. Now, Sarah is very beautiful. With no clothes on, she’s literally the sexiest thing alive to me. The problem lies in the addendum “with clothes on”. She dresses like an effing homeless person.
Her clothes are all tattered with holes in it and worn out, they don’t fit properly, and most of her outfits just plainly look ridiculous. She would wear red on red and look like a period stain, and she gets them from the local Goodwill because it’s the only thing she can afford.
I’m genuinely embarrassed sometimes when she accompanies me to dates because I scratch my head thinking how someone so beautiful can show up looking sooooo ugly.
My parents and friends have commented on it too; hell just last weekend when we went to the pool, my mom said “wow, I didn’t know your girlfriend was actually pretty” (it’s because she wore a plain bathing suit the whole time). I only mentioned the abuse thing because I feel like at some point growing up, her parents had to have been negligent to let their child leave the house looking like that.
My parents are upper-middle class. Because I got enough scholarships to go to school for basically free, my parents decided to give me $50,000 as a graduation gift that I never touched. I decided, hey, maybe I should help my girlfriend look presentable.
So I gave her a $5,000 gift card for Macy’s for our 1-year anniversary yesterday and told her that she can use it for a shopping spree. She was very grateful, but said she couldn’t accept it (she gave me a watch and a card, which I loved and am very appreciated of).
I asked her why not and she said it was too much. I told her it was just as much a gift for me as it was for her and when she asked me to elaborate, I basically admitted that her clothes make her look like a homeless person and wanted to teach her how to dress and give her a new wardrobe.
She actually got really offended at me and we had a huge fight. She accused me of finding her unattractive (which is absolutely not true! She just can’t dress) and told me if I just wanted a trophy girl to look at, find someone else.
I tried to be as sympathetic as I could, but frankly, I was pissed off at her reaction. I didn’t even put the onus on her to buy new clothes; I gave her $5,000 to buy a whole new wardrobe, and she reacts like this? It was very inconsiderate over-the-top reaction, especially considering I’m the one paying for it.
My friends all agree with me that what she did was over the top, but my sister said she was probably embarrassed in the way I went about it and I was being a jerk. I truly don’t see how I’m in the wrong at ALL in this situation. So, help me understand. AITA for offering to pay for a brand new wardrobe?
I got a few comments already that I only mentioned looks so I'm the AH, but why the hell would I mention things like how much I love when she kisses my cheek when she thinks I'm asleep, or that when she goes to the store and asks if I want anything and I say no.
She'll still pick up something small just because, or the fact that we communicate amazingly and (for the most part) never have any major conflicts, or any other non-appearance looking attribute. It just wasn't really relevant to the station at hand.
Edit: I want to reiterate; I'd be fine with her shopping at Goodwill if she bought clothes that make her look presentable; I'm just saying her fashion sense is atrocious, mixed with the fact that she does tend to buy dingy clothes that tend to get rips/holes in it easily.
She never replaces her clothes so she wears years old hand-me-down clothes with a horrible fashion sense so she looks silly. I know me continuously reiterating just how silly she looks makes me sound like an AH.
But I literally get people comment on her fashion sense. Literal strangers comment on it. She looks genuinely ridiculous and I don't know how to emphasize just how bad she dresses without sounding like a tool.
Last edit: I genuinely don't think people understand the extent, so I'm going to list some experiences I've had with her dressing like she does. The one I mentioned in the OP; my Mom when she said "I didn't think she was actually pretty".
I was hanging with some friends and some strangers, and when my gf went to the bathroom, a stranger said "it looks like she just came from panhandling". I've had a stranger ask if we had a costume convention we're going to.
On 2 different occasions, I've had young children comment. The first said "why do you look so funny" and the second said "why do you dress so strange". I've had multiple different friends on multiple different occasions ask why does she dress so eccentrically.
It's not just me acting like a jerk or being shallow. It's a genuine problem. I will say that she doesn't purposefully ruin her clothes. I'm certain she's either just unaware of how she dresses.
A couple of abuse victims commented and said it was likely beause they were abused and they share similar expereinces as my girlfreind. Her wearing bad clothes isn't a fashion statement; I'm pretty sure she's just unaware.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
YTA- you are using money to control your gf and she called you out for it. There’s a way to give your partner thoughtful constructive criticism and you missed the boat. Also YTA because all you mention are her looks. And a final YTA for being so out of touch with reality that you’d spring a $5k gift card on someone and then being mad they won’t accept it.
NAH. I read through all OP’s replies and edits and I decided to change my judgement. According to OP, he gets countless people comment on his girlfriend’s appearance, including. I don’t think I’m particularly materialistic, but if THAT many people are commenting about her clothing choice, something is wrong.
If one person did it? Then he’s an AH. If three? Then they’re AHs. But THAT MANY? I’m starting to think you may have a point in being embarrassed. I do recommend talking to her obviously, but you said you plan to later. Good luck; I hope everything turns out well.
YTA not for the gift but for insulting her clothing which prior to this gift was the only thing she could afford. It can be hard to accept money when you grow up in poverty.
YTA. You’re definitely a callous jerk and seem to care more about her appearance than her. You never once said anything outside of her appearance in your post.
No “she’s super sweet” or “I love her smile”, just you saying how she’s sexy naked and ugly with her fashion sense. Let the woman dress how she wants in a way she likes. If you truly care about her and she as a person makes you happy, it shouldn’t matter what she wears.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
EDIT: We have since talked and the problem is pretty much resolved. My update is at the bottom, thanks to the few people who helped me navigate this situation!
ACTUAL LAST EDIT: So I finally talked to my girlfriend (she's with me right now). Before I had a chance to apologize, she bursted out crying. When she finally stopped, she was able to open up.
Apparently, her parents were extremely abusive, even worst than I originally thought. Up until she was 18, she only had one outfit. Just one. Her parents had a ton of very weird, oddly specific ways to control their children (like for example, they tried to force her to be right-handed because she was a lefty, or they made her take ONLY cold showers for "mental fortitude")
When she finally got from her parents' control, she had no idea how to dress. So she want to goodwill and just bought a bunch of colorful clothes that looked neat. She had absolutely no experience in dressing herself, and she never really felt like she should asked (she just assumed 1 shirt + 1 pants = 1 outfit, regardless of the color, size, wear/tear, etc)
When I pointed out her style was strange, she got extremely defensive because she was never confronted with this before. She thought her sense of style was ~average, and when in previous attempts I tried to subtley bring up to wear a different outfit, she just thought that THAT outfit was bad. When I explicitly said in general, her style was bad, she just felt completely embarrassed.
We're going shopping tomorrow and buying her a bunch of new clothes. I apologized for not bringing it up more tactfully and she insisted it was okay, and she probably wouldn't have gotten the hint if I kept being around the bush.
Thank you for the people who (tactfully) told me how I was the AH, and thanks to those who actually took my concerns seriously besides just completely dismissing me because they personally haven't had my experience.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
This is one of those cases where two things can be true. Yes, he came off like an entitled ass in the first post. Giving someone 5k to replace their entire wardrobe is generous, but also quite heavy handed and insulting if there was no prior discussion about them wanting a new wardrobe.
But it also sounds like she genuinely needed help and was dressing in a way that would impact her life negatively so I'm glad they were able to work it out.
I was also going to point out that victims of sexual abuse will often wear dirty, ratty clothing to ward off people from attacking them. Fashion is a very very learned skill and if you had no one even giving you a passive idea of what to do, it's an absolute minefield of unspoken rules.
Should have started with buying her an outfit here and an outfit there. Go to the mall to hang out but end up buying her an outfit so she starts getting used to nicer and better fitting clothes. Throwing 5k at her and telling her to replace her whole wardrobe is just insensitive and childish.
Even if it worked out okay, his attitude through the entire first post is so effing off-putting.
AITA has reenforced something that I’ve known for a long time: sometimes you can be not wrong and still be an AH. OP was absolutely, unequivocally an AH in his first post.
That doesn’t mean that he’s wrong about the benefits of dressing intentionally (please note, intentionally doesn’t mean dressing nicely. But dressing as though you picked up the first three random articles you found in a dumpster, regardless of fit or anything else, isn’t intent).