Man finally breaks and tells GF that she is, 'so polite, it's rude.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My girlfriend is shy in a way that I don't understand."
Making this post is a shot in the dark, maybe some of you have come across something similiar or you can identify with my GFs behaviour and give me some insights in how to approach this.
As I said in the title, she is shy in a way that I don't understand. She has no problem going to places where there are new people. She doesn't drink alcohol at all, but if I am invited to a party where she knows absolutely no one but me, she wants to go.
So in the beginning, before I know what it was going to be like. I of course invited her to come along (I still do), but then at the event, she will talk to absolutely nobody. Alright, I figured she is shy, she will warm up.
We get invited to something else with the same people, in the beginning she will make sure she says a few things (this is my perception) and then go back to being silent.
I have tried to talk to her about this, I am asking her if she is having fun at these things, since she doesn't talk to anybody but me, she says yes. I asked her if she is shy, she says no. She has the willingness to socialize like an extrovert, like she has zero need to be alone, but she is social like an introvert.
In our day to day relationship this is not a problem, but I am a very social person and I have lived in many cities and have friends across the country, so during or relationship it's been ongoing that I get invited to something with people she doesn't know.
And this is why I put this on the internet instead of talking to somebody I know, but, it's not fun to bring her to these events anymore. She will follow me like a quiet shadow, and I try to talk to her as much as possible, but we see each other everyday so my focus when out is to socialize.
Then I feel awkward with her as my silent bystander. But then, if I would not bring her, she has nothing to do instead. So she would be home waiting for me if I went without her, which also feels awkward.
I'm actually introverted by temperment and I have a need to be alone, and I don't feel like I can carry conversations that are applicable to a trio with a silent bystander. When we are at home she talks way more than I do, all of this combine doesn't add up.
So, what do I do? Should I keep bringing her and feel guilty and awkward, or can I talk to her about this in a way that I haven't before to address this? She doesn't admit to being shy, and she has no problem going to places with all brand new people.
But then when we had a contractor fix something at our house last time, she didn't go downstairs the entire time he was there, and I asked why and she said "because there is somebody down there." She doesn't talk at all to her co-workers but then she got upset that they didn't invite her to an afterwork party. All of it is contradicting to me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
What are you doing to bridge the gap between her and the relatively new people you know better? Are you introducing her and providing a potential opening for her to chip into conversations?
I think there is a level of social anxiety where you kind of know somebody but can't find anything to say to them. So you could be that bridge, eg. "Kate, you've been to India, right? Jane has been a few times on yoga retreats but she's never been to Kerala like I recall you saying you have. Would you recommend it?"
Is she on the autism spectrum?
Well, she said it isn't shyness, so let's assume she's honest and accurate. Maybe she likes being at gatherings or likes being at gatherings with you, but she doesn't like talking to people she doesn't know. It could simply be that this is what she likes.
Anyhow, I do think you should talk to her. I'd start by asking her why she doesn't talk to people at the gatherings you go to with her. And then you can discuss how you each prefer to enjoy those gatherings, and then try to figure out if there is a way to make it work for both of you.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
So it's been a month since last I post about this and I'm happy to say that things have improved. In part to some replies I got but also from thinking about it more and trying new things. So thank you to those who took time to reply. It was helpful.
I'm sorry in advance if this sounds off, but after "studying" my girlfriends behaviour more closely, I sort of came to the conclusion that her problem is not being shy, nor that she doesn't want to talk to people.
Her "issue" is that she is too polite. When in group settings, you usally have to claim the conversation to get to say anything and she doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to speak over somebody that is already speaking and in group settings, there usually isn't long enough silences for her to chime in.
What I have started to do, that seems to be helping, is that I can't think of her as an extension of me. We are not a couple going to a party together, we are two individuals, and if she was just another person in the circle, I would engage them in conversation every now and then.
This is something I didn't do for my girlfriend, because we see each other all the time, I didn't think I would have to focus efforts in talking to her whilst we are amongst other people.
But if I ask her a question in the midst of this, she does talk, and is very happy to do so because she was given the subject and the "permission to talk". (She is obviously allowed to talk whenever she wants to, but she doesn't give herself this permission).
EDIT: So this blew up. I didn't think it would get any attention so I haven't been signed into this account. I regret it because there has been a lot of interesting conversations in the comments and it was also interesting to read that a lot of you identify with my GF and feels like she feels. I can't reply to everybody now but I am happy you did take time to comment.
I also want to say that social willingness is not at all the most attractive quality according to me. I knew she was the one when I came over to her apratment on a rainy day and she had lit several candles and was reading in her living room while she had "Hogwarts library ambience" on the TV. Then my brain was like "If this isn't it, nothing is."
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Good for you for recognizing your girlfriend's conversation style and accommodating her. I'm the same way. I'm a listener. I contribute (usually asking questions to learn more about the person) when I feel moved to but only when there is a gap. That is why I prefer one-on-one conversations.
It's nice to see some attempt at actually understanding her from OP rather than brute forcing interactions. Seems like a decent relationship.
I can totally relate. If someone talks to me in a situation like this, I am totally fine to talk their ear off. But I cannot start or join in conversation, my body and mind physically won't let me. It sucks, but I now just avoid some events where I don't know anyone and I will be super awkward and shy and won't enjoy myself.