'AITA for not 'letting' my GF come over in the mornings after my mom’s friend complained about her showering?'
"AITA for 'letting' my girlfriend stop coming over in the mornings after my mom’s friend complained about her showering?"
My girlfriend works 12-hour overnight shifts (7 p.m. to 7 a.m.). After work, she sometimes comes to my place to shower and sleep. She usually arrives around 8:15 a.m., takes a quick shower by 8:30, then crashes for the day. Here’s where the issue comes in: my mom’s long-term friend (who rents the basement) complained that the sound of the shower at 8:30 a.m. woke him up.
My mom passed that complaint along to me and asked if my girlfriend could avoid showering until “everyone is awake.” I told my girlfriend, and she felt uncomfortable continuing to come over understandably, in my opinion. After working all night, the last thing she wants is to feel like she’s disturbing people just by taking a basic shower before bed.
So she decided not to come over in the mornings anymore. She didn’t cause drama or make a scene, just quietly adjusted. I later told my mom what my girlfriend decided, and she got upset not because of the shower, but because my girlfriend chose to stop coming over in the mornings.
My mom insists that wasn’t her intention, but from our perspective, asking someone not to shower after a night shift pretty clearly sends the message that their presence is disruptive. For context: I also pay rent in this house.
My mom’s friend has lived here for years and pays rent too. We all share the space. It’s not like my girlfriend was being loud or unreasonable just taking a 5–10 minute shower in the morning, which seems pretty standard.
Now my mom’s upset with me, but I feel like I handled it fairly. I passed the message along, my girlfriend made a calm and mature decision, and now somehow I’m caught in the middle. AITA for not pushing back harder on the complaint, or for “letting” my girlfriend decide to stop coming over in the mornings?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
sog96 wrote:
You and your GF handled the situation like mature adults. Your mother on the other hand did not, when you informed her of the choice that was made. Your mom’s friend maybe jealous of your situation and was actually acting out of malice.
I’m not sure what your daily routine is, but maybe you can start taking a showers in the mornings around the same time your GF did or a little before. If there are not complaints, then your mom’s friend was making stuff up to get your GF to quit coming over.
hylebos75 wrote:
The basement dwelling friend needs to get a grip. When you live in a multi person household there needs to be some give and take. There's nothing egregious about there being household activity after 8:00 in the morning. I don't think you two did anything wrong and he kind of needs to adjust his expectations the smallest amount.
keesouth wrote:
NTA. I think everyone did the right thing here. The person who lives in the home is within his rights to complain that someone, who doesn't even live there, is disturbing him. You were right to pass on the message and your GF was right to decide that as opposed to not taking a shower at your place, she will just go home. Your mother is the only one with an issue here.
march1studios wrote:
NTA. Mom proposed a solution, and you and your girlfriend made a different decision, and ultimately, the basement tenants complaint is resolved. Mom's solution was not conducive to what your girlfriend needs after a long shift, so it makes sense to go in a different direction.
I don't really understand why your Mom is upset. If the sound of a shower wakes up the other tenant, I don't think there's any reasonable alternative solution to your way and her idea that doesn't start and end with him wearing earplugs or 'sucking it up.' Alternatively, this might be the signal you and your girlfriend need to get your own space.
SlinkyMalinky20 wrote:
Your mom feels guilty because of the natural consequences of her passing on the message. That’s on her. Your GF of course decided to stop coming over - she would be rude to continue to be a guest that now knows she’s disrupting the paying occupant.
If the renter or your mom feel badly about this (or like it was an unreasonable ask or an overstep by the renter), that’s on them. I agree with them feeling badly - it’s 8:30 am not 1:30 am. But it’s surely not on you to assuage their guilt.
FairyCompetent wrote:
ESH except your gf. Your mom should have told the other tenant that 8:30 is a reasonable hour in the morning for showers and shared accommodations means you hear other people's normal human behavior. You in turn did not need to pass that to your gf.
You should have said "8:30 is a reasonable time to shower. I don't think she should have to wait to shower until some undetermined time mid morning after a 12 hour shift."
Prudent_War_9725 wrote:
Your mum’s friend is absurd. I’ve lived in dorms for 6 years, and if everyone had a problem with the noise of the shower, we would have all been upset all the time. If the sound of showering is enough to disturb this person, that is their problem, not yours.
Jessicaanne505 wrote:
8:30 AM as a completely appropriate time to be taking a shower, also how loud are the showers? A tenant, even in the basement, should not be dictating when people can take a shower when it’s completely reasonable of an hour.
daisychain0011 wrote:
830 am is not early to be showering. Most people have to be at work by 8 am and would be showering at 6 or 7 am. Your mom should have shut down the complaint and not brought it to you if she didn’t want your gf to act on it. Weird but you are NTA.