'My girlfriend of 4 years has recently become obsessed with a male streamer and I feel really uncomfortable about it.' + UPDATE
"My girlfriend of 4 years has recently become obsessed with a male streamer and I feel really uncomfortable about it."
This is really embarrassing to even post about and I don't even know if my feelings about this situation are valid or if I'm just being a jealous boyfriend. So my girlfriend and I have lived together for two years now and it's great.
She is admittedly my first girlfriend so I am a bit inexperienced but our relationship has been steady and happy and I was planning on proposing to her this year but my plans were squashed by current events. (I know she wants to get engaged somewhere nice but traveling right now is not smart or feasible.)
My girlfriend lost her job back in July thanks to you-know-what and it really devastated her. It was pretty close to being a dream job for her so she took it really hard. She started panicking about finding another job in this market.
I am really fortunate to have a well-paying essential job and minor debt, so I was more than happy to let her have a break for a few months. She was already getting kinda depressed from the quarantining (her job was work-from-home) and I thought letting her rest and recover for a bit would help, and she readily agreed and was super grateful.
She really stepped up and the apartment was super clean and she was making delicious, elaborate dinners. Since it's just us two in a one-bedroom apartment, there's not too much mess between us so she still had a ton of free time.
She became tired of all the stuff of streaming services and started watching more YouTube. Then her friends invited her to play a game with them and she got hooked onto it and started watching YouTube videos about it.
I guess that's how she found this streamer. Let me tell you, my girlfriend's interests in video games before this was limited mostly to Mario Kart, so I was a bit taken aback by her suddenly watching Twitch and YouTube gaming videos 24/7. But I was excited for her to find a new hobby/interest... at first.
Now everything is about this guy. She follows him on every social media platform and is either rewatching old streams of him when he's not streaming or she's watching him live.
And this guy can stream for hours and hours at a time, mostly when I'm finally home from work and want to spend time with her. If I ask her to watch a movie with me, she'll keep a earbud in and still have him streaming on her phone, barely paying attention to the movie.
She shows me a lot of clips from the streams that are funny and I guess I can see why she thinks it's fun to watch him but I am getting really jealous of this guy. Her mood on the days he doesn't stream is always low and she acts really grumpy around me.
She has paid money to become a subscriber (not sure how that works) and I confronted her about possibly sending him donation money but she assures me she hasn't, and she's pretty good with money so I like to think she's telling the truth.
But at this point I don't know how I feel. I am scared to hurt her feelings, especially since she's finally seeming happier these days. I made a joke the other about how she likes him more than me and she got really offended by it, so I don't even know how to broach the topic with her.
I don't want to control what she does with her free time, but I feel like this guy has replaced me. At the same time, I feel stupid being jealous of a guy that she is interested in and is semi-famous, it's not like she's his one and only fan... Am I feeling threatened for no reason? Or should I actually be worried about this?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
"If I ask her to watch a movie with me, she'll keep a earbud in and still have him streaming on her phone, barely paying attention to the movie."
And you haven't called her out on this? Why?
Cuz it's his first girlfriend. I let my first girlfriend get away with way too much emotional detachment near the end and should have stuck up for myself. OP needs to stand up for himself here or he’s gonna find out where this leads like I did.
You have good reason for concern. It sounds like this is her escape from real life and you probably know her best, but do you think this is just a phase? Maybe what she needs is an escape from her escape. Can you take her out of the house for a hike or a walk, or a date night outside of home? You can try to create an environment where she should focus only on you.
If she doesn’t and she busts out her phone, you can communicate with her right there and then that what she’s doing is hurtful as you want to spend time with just her, not a third wheel to Mr. Streamer. She needs to understand in the moment that her behavior is unhealthy and unfair to you. If she doesn’t take out her phone, it would be good to make it a habit to snap her out of her obsession from time to time.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
So here’s an update. I read every comment on the last post, sorry for not replying. I got really overwhelmed by the feedback I was getting and I kinda shut down for a bit. I acknowledge now I really should have said something to her earlier before I let it get to this point.
I posted that on Thursday and I was really lucky that he ended up not streaming on Friday. I told her that morning that we should be takeout from our favorite place and have a little date night.
She seemed really excited. I picked the food up, came home, and she was watching old clips, but I was able to get her off her phone and we had a nice time together. I then asked her if we could talk and she agreed.
I basically told her that I was hurt by how she hasn’t been paying as much attention to me since she started watching him and that I was also worried about her mental state because a lot of people had mentioned she might be depressed.
She apologized for the whole movie incident but she really denied that anything was wrong mentally. I told her I would even pay for therapy if she needed it or to at least try it but she said no. She ended up really grumpy at me and went to bed early, so I guess I messed up that conversation.
I felt so bad about how that night went that I wanted to make it up to her and plan a better date night for Saturday. I went out and got some stuff to set it up. When she woke up the next morning I told her we were going out tonight and she seemed excited when I told her it was a surprise.
While she was cooking dinner, I went out to my car and decorated it for Christmas. Bows and lights on the inside, I had a stash of Christmas candies and chocolates, cozy blankets… we had dinner and then she got to the car and was super excited.
We went and picked up some hot chocolate, the music was playing, and I had a whole route of the best Christmas lights planned along with a grand finale of the big local drive-through lights.
We had a great time for about 30 mins until a notification popped up on her phone that he was live. Then everything went downhill. She started watching him and I asked her to please be present with me. She told me this was a really interesting stream idea they were doing and I started getting really frustrated. She was missing the lights to watch him playing Minecraft.
I pulled over and told her that either she puts the phone away for the rest of the night or we are going back home since she didn’t want to be present on our date. I told her she could always watch later, the recording will be there.
She doesn’t need to watch live. I did get angry and raised my voice which I shouldn’t have because she started crying. I felt like an AH so I just silently drove us back to our apartment and she locked herself in our bedroom.
I sat on the couch all night and I came to the conclusion that my feelings had been hurt one too many times. Maybe I didn’t give her enough chances, but the pain was overwhelming and I decided we needed to break up.
Four years, gone like that. She woke up and I told her as calmly as I could that I would not be the third wheel in our relationship to a streamer and that she needed professional help. She freaked out, begged me to reconsider… I told her I didn’t see the relationship being salvaged at this point but maybe if she gets professional help, finds a new job, and stops watching him so obsessively it might.
She sobbed and threw a bag of her stuff together and left to her parent’s house. Her dad called me screaming and I tried to explain what happened but he didn’t get it. She texted me saying she’ll come get the rest of her stuff after the holidays.
So yeah. I guess it’s over. Maybe I didn’t give her enough chances to fix her behavior and we might reconnect if she takes what I said to heart, but at the moment I just can’t tolerate it.
It sucks that I have to be alone through Christmas now and that I feel I just lost my first love to a streamer. Thanks so much for all of your advice and I’m sorry I couldn’t apply it better. I wish I had a better update for you all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
You discussed the issue with her and gave her plenty of chances. She threw it all out. Now she's sorry. It really sounds like an addiction to me.
She literally ruined her relationship for a guy she doesn't even know she exists.
This is so sad on many levels, but I am glad OP dodged a bullet.
It's not about the streamer, really. It was using him as an unhealthy coping mechanism to avoid facing her depression that ruined the relationship. People don't get that damn near anything can become a behavioral addiction when you use it as a crutch.
Social media addiction and parasocial behavior are a hell of a combination.
OP's ex needs help. This is not how a well adjusted adult behaves.
Not me looking up video of the addictive twitch streamer immediately after reading this. And I'm so glad I'm in my 40s and don't see the appeal.