'My girlfriend refuses to wear a dress to my brother's wedding, or anywhere else if that matter.' UPDATED
"My girlfriend refuses to wear a dress to my brother's wedding, or anywhere else if that matter."
I [29/M] have been with my current girlfriend "Lisa" [28/F] for a little bit more than 2 years. She's a self-made woman, incredibly successful in everything she does, work, sports, etc. She the most intelligent, kind, funny, generous person I have ever met.
Each and every day I am amazed at the luck I had to get such a girl to love me. She's a very down-to-earth girl, and prefer the outdoors to fancy outings. She hates everything "fussy" and she's a bit of a tomboy.
I never saw her with makeup, or with something fancier than a ponytail. She's self employed and mostly wears jeans, t-shirts and hoodies, even wearing dress pants and a blouse for meeting clients is a huge event. Since my previous girlfriend was a typical girly-girl pink princess fashionista drama-queen (don't get me started...), I find Lisa extremely refreshing.
As for our relationships, I moved in to her house last year, and was thinking about proposing sometime next spring. However, with the current state of affair, I don't know what to think about, well, everything...
We've been invited to my brother's wedding. It's a very formal, black tie event in the classiest venue around town. When I told Lisa we would have to go shopping for clothes, she expressed her disdain for "formal" events.
I jokingly told her I was looking forward to the wedding so I could see her for the first time all dressed up, in a beautiful dress, heels, hair done etc. She looked at me like I told the least-funniest joke in the history of mankind and said she's not going to wear a dress. Period. No discussion.
I said it's a black tie event, so every woman will wear a dress. She said I don't understand. She doesn't wear dresses or skirts. She doesn't wear makeup. She doesn't wear heels.
At first I thought I could persuade her, but she the queen of stubbornness (one of her bigger qualities sometime becomes her biggest fault). I talk about her reactions to her parents, they laughed at me when I told them I might be able to persuade her to change her mind.
They told me the last time Lisa wore a dress, she was maybe 5 years old and even then it was an hassle to get her do it. After that, she threaten to disrobe if someone forced her to wear a dress. Even her beloved grandparents couldn't convinced her to wear one. Her friends told me the same things, they stopped trying long ago.
I tried to have a serious discussion with Lisa to find the source of her disdain against dresses and skirts. Maybe there's a hidden trauma or something? I probed and asked, all I can get is "I don't wear dresses because I don't like wearing dresses. Same thing with heels and makeup".
Every day, it's the same reason over and over. I thought maybe it was some weird case of body shame, which would be a shame in and of itself because she has a killer body.
I tried this approach but she saw right trough my strategy and assured me she know she would look stunning in a dress, she just don't wear dresses. I even offered to pay for it, she laughed again because she makes way more than I and could easily afford any dresses she like.
I also offered a trade. She could make me do anything she want, any "improvement" she wish on myself in exchange of her wearing a dress to my brother wedding. She simply answered that she'll never ask for someone to change something about themselves for her, because she would hate being asked the same thing.
Yesterday was breaking point. I was tired of not making any progress and simply plead to please wear a dress for a couple hours, it's a small sacrifice, everybody will be happy to see her there and after that no more dresses I swear.
I was on my knees at this point, nearly crying. Her answer hurt more than I could care to admit, she said "I am not wearing a dress to your brother's wedding. It has nothing to do with your brother, nor with you or anyone else for that matter. I don't wear dresses because I don't like to and nobody will change that.
I put up with you those last weeks hoping you would get the message, but at this point and I am annoyed beyond end that you don't understand. Now hear me: if I can wear dress pants and blouse to the wedding, I will attend. If I have to wear a dress, then I'll have to tell your brother and his fiancée that sadly I cannot attend their wedding due to personal circumstance."
Then she stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and said "you know... those last weeks really made me reconsider us a as couple. I understand your point of view and I know how frustrating I can be, but my decision was made way before you were even in my life.
Another episode like that would probably means the end, at least for me... I thought about breaking up with you during those last week to be honest, but I couldn't do it, I didn't have it in me to throw the last two years to pieces because of this.... I don't know if it means the end for us, you have all the rights to be angry at me and wouldn't blame you if you leave."
I've slept on the couch last night, just to be alone and think. Lisa tried to change my mind but I told her I needed some time by myself to think. She let out a sad chuckle and told me that I'm welcome in our bed anytime I want, and said she's not angry at me.
I've already RSVP to my brother and told him we will be there, as a couple. My brother and his fiancée absolutely adores Lisa and I know they will be disappointed if she cannot makes it, as are my parents and most of my family.
But even more than my brother's wedding, it leaves me worried about our future as a couple. We had two years of pure bliss. I understand couples fight sometime, but such a huge fight for something as petty? What does it say about the strength of our relationship if she was nearly ready to break up with me because of a dress?
Deep down inside me, I know a potential breakup would devastate me. I had my share of failed relationships, but never was with a girl like Lisa. I know it would be rough for her, but she wouldn't be destroyed like I would.
And this hurt more I think. I know she loves me (and everybody who knows her told me I must be something special for her to considering a long term relationship with me, everyone was beyond surprised when she offered I moved in with her).
So I don't even know what is my question, precisely. Maybe someone could offer some outside perspective? Are we doomed to fail? Should I just accept her quirks and live happily ever after or should I move on and find someone else?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Sounds to me like she's not the only stubborn one. Look, she doesn't want to wear a dress or makeup or heels. There is literally no precedence where she has worn these things. She doesn't want to do it. She's willing to compromise with an outfit that will match the occasion (if not your expectations).
From an outsider's perspective, yes you're being ridiculous and trying to fit her into a mold that she won't fit into. She's made it abundantly clear on how she stands with the issue and is now getting (rightfully) upset that you are ignoring her boundaries. Buy a dress for yourself if you want to be half of a couple where one person is wearing one. Otherwise, leave off or you'll lose her.
Why can't the girl just wear nice pants and a nice shirt like I've seen dozens upon dozens upon dozens of women do at black tie events, other than the fact that her boyfriend is a controlling maniac?
You knew she only wears slacks - you knew it soon after you met her, when you dated, when you moved into her home. You KNOW she only wears slacks. So why did you put so much energy into trying to change a decision she made when she was 5 years old?
If she has habits that are detrimental to her (or your) health, then that's one thing to be concerned about. But if she chooses her style to not include dresses, well, that's her decision. Frankly, I'm sorta surprised she hasn't kicked you out of her house yet.
The OP later returned to respond to readers.
EDIT: The answers in this thread made it painfully clear I was in the wrong all the time, and for the wrong reasons (two wrongs don't make a right... never have I best understand it than now).
I will go home and tell Lisa I am sorry for being so stubborn about a stupid dress and that I'll never ever try to get her to do thing she don't want just because I'm afraid to be ashamed or that people will laugh at her.
Then I will call my brother and tell him that Lisa plan on wearing dress pants and a blouse to his wedding, and if it pose a problem well we'll have to pass. I cannot thank everyone enough for the perspective your answers gave me.
What I thought was an huge problem was just me being a jerk. And I agree with everyone in this thread who said I have bigger issues about myself to deal with. Being told so frankly by random internet stranger is more humbling that I thought.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
So this is an update about the previous post about my [29/M] girlfriend [28/F] refusal to wear a dress to a wedding. I went back home after work Monday night and first thing I did was to apologize for my behavior to Lisa.
I told her I was really sorry for pestering her those last weeks to make her do something she didn't want to do. I told her I realize it's doesn't matter at all for me if she don't wear a dress (true, she can rock absolutely anything and be stunning) and that I was more worried about what my extended family would think of her (and myself, by ricochet).
It's something that's obviously very important for her, and not important at all for me, I should have respected her choice. She also apologized for telling me she thought about breaking up, because even if she did thought about it, she couldn't go with it, and it was unfair to let me know, especially as mean to end our arguments.
From the answer in my first post, nearly half said she was in the right and I was childish, and the other half said I was in the right and she was childish... I was apparently downvoted to hell by both parties too ! Well I agree with everybody.
The fact is, Lisa is stubborn, it's part of who she is, and it's part of why I love her so much. Without the stubbornness, Lisa wouldn't be Lisa and it's perfectly fine with me (we're not perfects but she put up with my flaws too)
Also in my previous post, some people were outraged at what she offered to wear, describing it at business casual. I saw the outfit and it's very formal: black flowy pants...
Someone called them "palazzo pants" I believe, white satin blouse and a long black cardigan-like thing that doesn't close in the front in a very fine material with some sparkle in it and shiny black leather flats (sorry about the terms, woman fashion isn't something I really know).
So back to Lisa on Monday night... She said we should ask my brother and her fiancée if they are comfortable with her wearing pants, because it's their wedding so they should have the last word. So yesterday I called them and told them about it.
My brother quickly passed the phone to her fiancée, since she's in charge of those things (he don't care at all, if it was only for him, he would have eloped). So I asked my brother's fiancée and she said that she would have been more surprised seeing Lisa in a dress than her showing in pants, and that it wouldn't offend her at all.
We're both agree some people may try to make some negative remarks, but it's the general consensus that Lisa can handle that without trouble. And that anyway, knowing the extended family, everything that is not up to their standard will be a scandal, so what's a pair of pants gonna change.
So were are going to my brother's wedding, me in a tux and Lisa in her outfit (which, according to my brother's fiancée, is A-W-E-S-O-M-E). And since we were all in wedding discussions, I told Lisa I was planning to propose sooner than later.
We are going shopping for rings sometime after my brother's wedding. As for our wedding ceremony, we agreed on having a small ceremony next summer at her family cottage with our grandparents, parents, siblings and close friends (maybe 30 persons total).
Since it's on a small island in the middle of lake nowhere, we have the perfect excuse to have a small, casual and intimate ceremony. Honestly, we couldn't fit everybody there even if we wanted to. Everyone else will receive a postcard from our honeymoon destination saying we happily married on XX date and please don't send gifts.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Wow...such reasonable behavior by everyone. And, congratulations on your upcoming engagement.
PS... Lisa's outfit definitely sounds formal enough for a black tie wedding.
I spend a lot of time in the wedding attire subreddit and was surprised this was an issue. Lots of women wear pants to weddings. They don’t wear slacks, it’s more like nice jumpsuits, women’s tuxedos, flowey wide leg pants in elevated material.
There are so many options for women attending formal events that aren’t dresses. I’m sure his girlfriend, a professional woman who hasn’t worn a dress in 20 years, can figure it out.
My mom went to a black tie wedding a few years back and she is a NO DRESSES person. So we went shopping and found a gorgeous jumpsuit. It was perfect and she looked dressed up as needed.
Literally the whole time reading this I was screaming "BLACK TIE MEANS SHE CAN STILL WEAR FORMAL FITS WITH PANTS!! HAVE YOU EVEN ASKED YOUR BROTHER AND HIS FIANCEE??"
And OP only thought to ask at the very end. Just shows it was more about what he wanted than anything else, not even the couple who the event is for. I wonder if he'll throw a fit if they get married and she doesn't want a dress again.
The fact that he didn't bother to check with his brother and the fiancée at all and then the fiancée was immediately on board with her decision to not wear a dress... OP is such an idiot lmao.