'AITA for not letting my girlfriend run a background check on me?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my girlfriend run a background check on me?"
I (27M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) for almost a year now. This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that?
And she told me about her ex boyfriend that was basically living a double life. He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he'd never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous behavior before she broke things off after he cheated. I said okay, thank you for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?
She said ever since then she's had her friend that works for the federal government run background checks on people to make sure they're safe, and because our relationship is progressing she needs to know I'm a safe partner for her so she wants my SSN to check my criminal history.
Now, for the record, I don't even have a parking ticket. I'm a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don't care about a background check, she won't find anything. But I'm not giving out my SSN. I don't feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend.
When I said that she got upset and said I don't understand what women go through and it's about safety. And I admitted she's right, I have no idea what women go through, but that doesn't mean I'm giving my SSN out to a complete stranger.
She says he isn't a stranger he's one of her best friends and married to a close friend of hers. And I said honey that's great, but I don't know him, I don't trust him because I don't know him.
That's MY information you're asking for, you can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don't know is getting my SSN or critical details. It's just not happening.
And she said that our relationship isn't going to be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she's safe, and she's offended that I don't trust her taste in friends.
I got up and left at that point and told her I respect her concerns, but her past trauma doesn't give her the right to try and strong arm me into giving out sensitive information to someone I don't know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database.
I used to work for the federal government so I can say from experience, everyone working there isn't some wonderful person. I'm not assuming he's a monster or anything, but just working for the feds doesn't prove anything to me. She called me insensitive and hasn't spoken to me since. Personally I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants but I'm not sure.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this.
Right. I should trust my SSN with someone who commits felonies by abusing their federal access to records? Nope. NTA.
NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons.
In fact, we have to try all other reasonable ways to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don't need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough.
I just said this same thing. She's up to something. No one's risking their career for this girl.
I'd bet there is no "friend." This sounds like some TikTok "test your man" BS.
So I'm assuming she wanted to open credit cards or take out a personal loan in his name. Or just because this is reddit, taking out a life insurance where she is the sole beneficiary and in a few months, you have 'accident'. Run. Run fast and run far.
NTA. You don't even know if she's telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know. Run, run away. Clearly she isn't willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.
Wait, so... a YEAR in, she doesn't trust you and needs a background check run? That's acceptable/necessary/ok? Yet you not giving your SSN to a random stranger doing something illegal is you not trusting her, and not acceptable/ok? Dafuq backwards logic is that?
What her friend is offering is illegal. Report him and dump her. FYI female here. This is not normal or healthy. RUN!!!! NTA.
No, nope, absolutely not. This has scam written all over it. Lock down your credit, look into getting life lock. Oh, and dump her, change your locks and passwords and never look back.
NTA. You can do a background check on someone w/o a SSN (it may not be as thorough). So she could go ahead and do one anyway. You are right to not give yr SSN to someone you don't know; you don't know, for ex, how secure he keeps his information when he's working on something, esp a job for a friend. Someone demanding my SSN like that would be a dealbreaker for me.
NTA. I just had a background check completed. I've had them every five ish years for the last 20 because I volunteer with children. Some in state, some federal. I also have been screened by the govt for a permit several times. I have NEVER had to provide a SSN. Sadly, I think your GF may the criminal and you may be her long-con mark.
4 days later OP came back with this update:
After reading the comments I've been getting over the last few days I decided to call her on new years eve and give things one last chance because I'm the type of person that needs to know I did everything I could before I walk away from a relationship. And some people said she has valid concerns, she just went about them the wrong way, which made sense.
I told her I understand and respect your need to ensure your safety, but I'm not willing to potentially compromise my safety to make you feel safe by handing over my SSN to someone I don't know and don't trust. And it's illegal for him to even use a federal database for personal reasons.
So that's out, but what I WILL do is pay for a background check of your choosing so long as it's a legitimate service and give you the results. I will NOT be providing my social security number to anyone, but my address, date of birth, etc. Are all fair game.
She refused and said that she has chosen a background check and that's having her friend do it because she knows that she can trust him. So I said if that's how you feel and you won't budge, then the issue here is trust, and I'm not willing to stay in a relationship with a woman that doesn't trust me because of something that doesn't have anything to do with me.
I'm not paying for another man's sins, and I'm not giving you my social security number because your ex was a criminal. She started crying and asking why I can't understand that it's not about me, it's about her? And I said you made it about me when you asked for my SSN.
She got pissed and started accusing me of lying about caring about her safety and saying if I really cared then I'd have no problem doing this because I don't understand how vulnerable women are in society. So I said I was willing to work with you up to a reasonable point, but now you're just trying to manipulate me, and I don't feel safe being with you anymore.
Because if this is how you react when you don't get your way about having my SSN, what happens the next time we have a major disagreement or a serious situation come up? Are you going to keep crying to try and get your way or throw out another ultimatum to try and force me into doing what you want?
She started saying that as a man I can't understand what it's like to go through life as a woman and have to be afraid and that this is what she has to do for her safety and security and I need to just respect that and give her what she needs for her comfort. I was like I tried to compromise, you wouldn't accept it, there's nothing more to say here.
And to be clear I wasn't exactly calm, I have severe anxiety so this was a really, really hard conversation for me to have. I was actively pacing around my house and sweating and forcing words out the entire time.
Then she started crying and asking about new years because we were supposed to spend it with her parents. I said you should have thought about that before you tried to strong arm me into getting your way. This isn't a and everyone stood up and applauded moment, that's just how things went. I hung up and now we're over.
Obviously I'm hurt, but I'm realizing I dodged a bullet because there's no reason s%$^ should have gotten this f&^%$#@ messy. And before anyone tries to jump me in the comments, again, I offered to pay for the check, she refused because it wasn't the test she wanted. I feel like I made a good faith effort to resolve things.
Hate to ring in the new year without a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is what it is. I don't know if she really is that concerned I'm some lunatic criminal. Or if she's trying to scam me like a lot of you said. Either way, it's over now.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
OP, you nailed it. And I know it's hard right now, but you just dodged years of manipulation and ultimatums. A good resolution for 2025.
If you know which friend she was gonna have run the background check, report him to his employer because he's 100% gonna get investigated and likely fired for misusing personal information.
I worked for a state agency that had access to federal databases. I had a federal security clearance for work purposes. A co worker of mine abused the system our agencies management was alerted, 3 weeks later she was terminated. It’s a professional privilege to have those clearances and they should not be taken lightly.
As a woman who does background searches on all her dates, never once have I ever needed their SSN. That’s so weird and shady. Searching up criminal records does not require you to provide an SSN. EVER.