Boyfriend defends caring for quadriplegic mom, girlfriend calls it 'weird.' AITA?
"AITA for being upset that my girlfriend thinks it’s weird that I help take care of my disabled mother?"
I’m 20M. My mom (F43) is quadriplegic due to an skiing accident that happened when I was 11. She is paralyzed from the shoulders down. When she arrived home from a rehab hospital, my dad along with my aunt, grandparents, and care attendants took care of her.
My mom has worked from home post injury in finance since 2017. My dad’s job was moved to remote status after Covid hit. My aunt still goes over daily to help my mom when my dad is busy with his own job.
She is able to do a lot with voice activated computer programs and in our house she uses Amazon Alexa and other devices. But, my mom is still dependent on others for many tasks such as bathing, feeding, toileting, being put into bed with hoyer lift etc.
During the first few years after her injury i would do small things like helping feed her, giving her beverages through straws. When I was 16, I learned to do other things so i could helped out a bit more with her care.
I didn’t become a constant caregiver and still did high school things like sports, extracurricular activities, etc. I only took care of her when my dad and others needed more help.
I go to college in town an hour away from my hometown and I live with my paternal grandparents in that area during fall and spring semesters. This past year, I started dating a young woman also 20 who is from the same area as me but she went to a different elementary schools, middle school, high school than me She first met my parents around Christmas time.
She did admit to me that she has never been around disabled people that much. I didn’t get angry with her about that because I’ve had friends and past girlfriends who mentioned that.My girlfriend has been polite with my mom. My mom is nice to her and was very nice to my two prior girlfriends.
I have two younger brothers 15 and 13 who play lacrosse. Yesterday was there last day of school and my dad is taking them to a lacrosse camp in another state. They left this morning.
Right now I’m on summer break from college. I’m back home and will be taking care of my mom with some help from my aunt for the next five days. A couple of days ago, I told my girlfriend about this and she said that it’s weird for me to take care of my mom and that my aunt or care attendants should be taking care of her.
I got upset and said that I love my mom and part of that involves helping take care of her when my dad and family needs help. I told her that the things I do for my mom are no longer weird to me because I’ve accepted her disability and I explained that my mom deserves respect and dignity like any other person does. AITA for getting upset and saying that?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Move on...your partner should make you better and not drag you down. She clearly does not understand the love you have for your mom and if you were in your mother's situation, she clearly would not do weird things like take care of you. Good times only people don't merit long term consideration.
For real. My husband's dad had a stroke and an amputation due to diabetes just about the same time. They told him he needed a caretaker since MIL has a host of her own issued that would limit what she could do.
He insisted it be me. And since I adored that old codger, I did it. It's not weird. It's family and love. I did the same with my dad during his cancer decline and subsequent passing.
How is it weird to take care of your parent? You and your family obviously have a great scheme worked out for your mother’s care and it sounds like it works really well. Makes me wonder what the gf would do if her mother needed the same level of care.
I agree with the sentiments above; she’s not the girl for you. You sound like a lovely guy and you need a partner who is prepared to support what you do for your mum, not tell you it’s weird.
NTA. As a disabled person (not to the degree your mother is, but still requiring care), I can tell you that this girl is only going to get more ableist with time if you stay with her. The fact that she thinks helping with your mother's care is "weird" tells me all I need to know about her views on disabled people in general. Get rid of her before she gets comfortable enough to tell you what she really thinks.
NTA at all. You are wise and mature beyond your years. Sounds like the 20yo girlfriend is very immature and needs some new perspective and life experience. Anyone that can not appreciate and respect the love you have for your mom and the care you provide to her, needs to get out of your life.
Your girlfriend has no reference due to age and maturity. Life hasn't opened her eyes yet. Most young people believe parents take care of their children and your situation is not the norm.
She just wants to go out and have fun which is pretty typical. Hell most people your age are not responsible enough yet to take care of a dog...You should be proud of yourself. I know your family is, but she isn't able to understand yet.
AJMi485 (OP)
Yes, she has the attitude that I need to be out having fun all the time. I do go out to concerts, dance clubs, sporting events and other things. I also have no issue staying home and taking care of my mom. My brothers and I have movie nights with my mom and we sometime play games with my dad holding up cards or rolling dice for her.
NTA. Move on. As a woman who has gone through periods of temporary disability, you taking care of your mom with care and dignity is major green flag vibes. So many male partners will abandon their female partners if she becomes ill or disabled to where she can no longer do some tasks. It's actually been a studied phenomenon. Move on from her.