'AITA for going through my girlfriend’s phone and finding out she has been lying about me being her mistress?'
"AITA for going through my girlfriend’s phone and finding out she has been lying about me being her mistress?"
I, 32f, have been in a relationship with another 32f for about 2 years now. When we first met my girlfriend told me right off the bat that she had been married for 12 years and had a 7 year old kid with her husband, but reassured me that they had been separated for 2 years, living apart for 3 months.
When I asked why they were not together she stated that the romantic aspect of their relationship had deteriorated severely and the husband didn’t want to get couple’s therapy. They decided to keep a front for their kid while they figured out next steps.
I was a little hesitant because 1: she was still married, but at my age a lot of people are, or have been married and have kids. 2: I was the first woman she had ever been with, but I didn’t think it was fair to deny her feelings out of that because plenty of women figure out later on in life that men aren’t for them.
So I decided to keep dating because I was under the impression that a divorce would be coming and she was having her gay awakening. Fast forward to now, about 2 years later, my gut has been telling me for the past 6 months to check her phone.
I resisted at first, because if I felt the need to do that then that means that I don’t trust her and I need to end the relationship, but love makes fools of us all. I finally caved and found out for about the past 6 months that she has been sleeping with her husband.
Since finding out I’ve been sick to my stomach. She reassured me up and down that I wasn’t a mistress or side chick and I believed her because every thing she told me matched up.
I plan to break up with her of course, and tell her I went through her phone and found all this out. But before I do, I want to know AITA for going through her phone and invading her privacy?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, I mean…sure you invaded her privacy, but in doing so, you found out she’s been lying and cheating. So it evens out.
Who cares if you're the AH? Honestly, I don't understand how people worry so much about what people think of them. You've talked to her about this in the past and she lied. Your gut told you she was being dishonest. And your gut was right.
Thank your gut and love yourself. Get away from her. Don't let her make this about a privacy violation. And for people saying you were wrong to go in her phone, screw them. They aren't living your life. I wish you the best.
Honestly?? NTA. You confirmed your suspicion. If it was that easy to find, she didnt care if you found it anyways. Sorry, you're being used.
NTA. Always follow you. You never have to stay in a relationship. You don't even need to tell her went through her phone. Just break up and tell her it's not working out.
She’s violated your trust by cheating. If your boundary is physical fidelity, she’s not compatible with you.
Who cares? She's lying to you. You will feel a lot freer when toy lose the weight of other people's opinions.
NTA. You knew something was off, and you know there's no trust, and you need to end it. There's no possible way to guarantee someone won't cheat on you, but dating a married person (separated is still legally married) is a good way to make sure you get cheated on. No shade. We all learn some lessons the hard way. I'm sorry you were lied to and cheated on.
NTA. Going through someone’s phone does signal a lack of trust and that the relationship needs to end. But, since this relationship does need to end, and you’re ending it - it’s fine. That don’t go through each-others devices advice is for couples who are staying together.
I would just like to point out that she may be doing what she feels is keeping herself and her kid safe while still in the same house as her husband. I'm not saying it's right, but sometimes safety is just not rocking the boat.
She might mean everything she says to you, but is having to go along with the husband for the time being. In which case I wouldn't class it as cheating, but coercive marital rape. It happens a lot. However, you know her, and the situation, a lot better than we do. Talk to her, see what she says, go from there.
YTA. Going through someone's phone without permission is disgusting behavior under all circumstances, regardless of the result.