"AITA if I give my grandson a wake-up call?"
I have 4 adult grandsons, ranging in age from 20 - 27. 3 are employed; the middle one is not. "Bob" says that he's trying, but nobody will hire him because he's disabled. His brothers say differently, that he makes no effort to avail himself of the assistance available, just eats and sleeps and plays video games.
Thing is, his younger brother has exactly the same disability, but has been employed since he was a senior in high school, first as a work-study intern, now as a part-time employee who expects to go to full-time as soon as his probation term is ended. He has already earned performance bonuses.
His father "Jim" is not in the greatest of health, and has a family history of early death from heart disease. Jim is taking the best care of his health that he can, and has already surpassed the age that his own father died by several years, but the possibility is always there.
My grandson seems to think that he can go on the way that he is indefinitely, that Mom & Dad will continue to provide for him forever.
We have spoken to his parents several times, both when we saw that he was being babied as a child, and again as he became a young adult.
That they need to light a fire under his butt and insist that he really start looking for work. They agree that yeah, they do, but apparently can't or won't follow through. AITA if I tell him straight out that his parents aren't going to live forever and he needs to grow up, start adulting, and start earning his keep?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
BetweenweebandOtaku wrote:
Question: do you think it will do any good or are you doing this just to make yourself feel better? Your answer determines ours.
OP responded:
I'm hoping it would do some good. Because if Bob is thinking that his brothers would just take over supporting him when Mom & Dad are dead, he is wrong. He will be a very upset man who may have to find his first job in his 40s or 50s.
Frankensteins_kid wrote:
NTA. Telling an adult they need to act like an adult is necessary, especially when they are mooching off of their ill parent. But please do it in a calm and respectful manner.
Just curious, what is the disability?
Edit after OP's reply: I wish you put that in the post. The way you talked about him, I thought he was just lazy. Clearly his job applications reviews and daily skills are limited to some degree if he's blind.
You cannot go "his brother can do it. Why can't he?" because every blind people's experience are different. You may still teach him to bear more adult responsibility. But take consideration of his limitations.
foranewperspective wrote:
Not planning to weigh in with a verdict but I am disabled. I am in my late 20s, have a master's degree in a good field, and worked 4 years in the semiconductor industry, with two promotions in that time. I had to leave when my disability meant I needed a mobility aid which could not be brought into the clean room.
I have been rejected from every single job since. Despite my education, great employment record, years of volunteering etc. It is not easy to get a job when you are disabled in any capacity, your younger grandson is the exception, not the rule.
And let me tell you, I have not been slacking, I have applied for over 1000 jobs this year, most of which I am grossly overqualified for. I have completed online courses to keep my skills up to date, gone to networking events, sought the help of professional recruiters and I still can't find work. Odds are your grandson is trying his best.
cannabalismistight wrote:
Yes, YWBTA. Here’s some things to do if you want to help.
Educate yourself about his disability. Not just Google, but join a forum and ask questions.
Try to understand the emotional impact of being disabled, not just the physical. Two people with the same disability may have completely different experiences and abilities. You cannot assume he can do what his brother does.
You can research what assistance is available to him. A lot of people with disabilities are constantly dismissed, turned down, and judged harshly. It can make reaching out for help or advocating for yourself feel impossible. Even just sitting with him while he makes phone calls could be enough support to get things moving.
Stop making assumptions. Nobody wants to be reliant on their parents. Nobody wants to just sit and play video games all day. He is likely depressed and that’s how he copes. “Wake up calls” or trying to “light a fire under his ass” would likely make things worse not better. Depressed and disabled people need support, not tough love, but support is not the same as enabling. When in doubt, listen and assume good intent.
Lentilmama wrote:
YTA. I am 1 blind person who has had varying degrees of blindness in my life. I have had periods of employment and periods of unemployment. You want to help? Spend time with him, non-judgmentally. Help him access O and M training, braille training. Find resources on the Hadley or Perkins websites.
ghost-wildflowers wrote:
YTA. It’s not going to actually help. He probably knows these things already.
The job market is also really, really bad in the US right now.
Ask him how you can help. Ask him if you can go over his resume and cover letters with him and send him job listings because you want to help him secure his future. Ask him to be involved in the process since you’ve been thinking about it a lot. A “wake up call” isn’t going to do anything but shut a door between you. Why not extend a hand instead?