'Either you give us grandchildren, or we're taking you off our will.' AITA? + UPDATE
"Either you give us grandchildren, or we're taking you off our will."
The title sounds bad, the story is even worse. I never thought I would be writing a post about my own parents here. But here we are right? For context, my fiancée and I have been in a relationship for the past 10 years, and just recently got engaged.
While it's understandable that ten years might sound a bit too much, we started dating really early and getting married was not a priority for either of us. We actually preferred to focus on our studies and career for a while. She's a civil engineer, and I'm a medical student after getting a bachelors and a master's (I do freelancing as a developer to pay for my living expenses).
As we have been a couple for a long time, is quite common for people to ask us when we're getting married and when we're having kids. While we are getting married as soon as I finish med school. We decided not to have children a long time ago, and we're still very certain of that decision, as both of us are more career than family oriented.
However, since the engagement, our families have started to put more pressure on us to get married soon and have children, even though we told them plenty of times that's not gonna happen.
My fiancée and I live together and we're completely independent from our families financially. Some time ago, during a video chat, we ended up getting into a heated argument with our families for finally snapping at their ceaseless nagging for grandchildren, and we have been strained ever since.
Now, our families asked us to meet them for a lunch "in-family" at my parents house. We don't live in the same city, but it's close enough that we can go there for something like this, and that's when the following situation transpired.
We arrived early enough to help out in preparing everything for the lunch, and for the next hour or so, things were pretty alright. But after we had lunch and we sat at the coffee table to chat (It's customary here), the room got visibly tense. Our parents, both hers and mine, started a speech about how much they put into us, how much they worked for us and how much family means to them.
I was already sensing some bad thing coming but I kept listening. Suddenly, they said that during one of their talks, they came to a decision, that if my fiancée and I didn't give them grandchildren, after all they had done for us, we would be cut out of their wills. Their reasoning was this:
My brother, is a gay man, and as of now, have no intention of adopting or any alternative to have children, and I was the only option on continuing the family.. (He was not there, and is as mortified as I am). She is the oldest sister (Her younger sister is still in high school) and thus, must set a example by having a family and continuing the family.
Now, if that's not psychotic, I have no clue what is. We quickly looked between ourselves and immediately, left their house. We haven't spoken to them since, but as far as we are aware, we're disowned by now. I never thought I would have to go through that, just because I don't want to have children. But it just shows how much entitlement they think they have. Cheers.
*EDIT: I did not expect this to grow so much in just a few hours! Thank you everyone for the replies! Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to respond to everyone, so I'll just clear a few things here!
My fiancée and I have absolutely no interest in their inheritance. We've been fine on our own for a long time and we can take care of ourselves. Thus, we have absolutely no intention of contesting their will. We don't need that money and we don't want it. I only posted this here due to the absurdity of their actions.
We have decided to cut contact with them and uninvited them from our wedding. My brother is giving us full support on this, and as he is my best man, this already means the world to me. It's regrettable that it came to this outcome, but we are NOT going to let they run our lives.
Some people asked us why don't we want to have kids. There's a few reasons for that, especially the fact that we are both extremely focused on our careers. Having a child is a responsibility to raise someone and give them the affection, lessons and time needed.
Neither of us want to go through that just to birth someone. Also, we have firm believes that the world already has people enough without us putting someone else on it. Lastly, neither of us really likes kids, as bad as that might sound, we have no intention of ever giving birth to a child.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Best thing to do now is act like that money doesn't exist. Now you know it comes with strings, and that they'll use it to try to control you. Theoretically, if you did have a kid, what's stopping them from using the inheritance as a tool to make you raise it the way THEY want you to?
Exactly. Rescind their power. If you're ever in a position where they try that again, the correct response is to smile and say, "We understand. It's your money. Don't worry, we can take care of ourselves." What happens after that is on them, but they at least know you can't be bribed or guilted.
Plot twist they decide to have kids, but ban grandparents from their lives.
Imagine only valuing your kids for their ability to reproduce....pathetic. Run OP, forget the will. If you had kids, they would probably say, "You only had kids so you could be in the will!"
Good god the mental gymnastics of this move are insane. Imagine if you weren't financially independent. Also, do they not realize the cost of a kid - especially in this day and age? By just not having children, you and y our wife will likely save more money than they would have left you in their inheritances anyway.
That’s awful. They gave you a effing INTERVENTION to have kids or else? What the actual eff? Listen, I have two kids. I love kids but it’s hella difficult to be a parent. Also, while I tease my kids about giving me grandchildren someday (like, honey please put your athletic cup on before hockey because mommy would like grandchildren at some point).
I have actually explicitly told my kids that it’s fine if they don’t choose to have kids. No one should parent who doesn’t want to, is ambivalent, or knows for sure they value work over raising kids. Edit: wrong subreddit, apologies.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I did not expect to be back so soon, but here we are. About a month ago my fiancée and I posted about how both of our parents decided to threaten us to be taken off their will if we did not give them grandchildren, which we won't be.
Anyhow, they struck again and my fiancée is really fuming with rage now and wants to share the situation with you all. There are some points that will need clarification and I'll try to make them along the way.
First, as we mentioned in our last post. Due to the absurdity of the situation our parents were imposing on us. We felt that we do not want them on our wedding. Thus, we rescinded their invitation as a whole. My brother is my best man and he supports us wholeheartedly. Now, we get to the point of the post.
After we left my parents home that day, we had absolutely zero contact with them. They made their decision and we made ours. We thought that was going to be it. Now, one thing that needs to be clarified. Our wedding was planned to be happening in October 17th.
However, due to the pandemic outbreak these large gatherings of people were completely prohibited, on my region at least. But thankfully the Venue we had acquired is run by the most lovely administrators.
As soon as the outbreak started, they contacted us and gave us every assistance needed with rescheduling. Thus, we rescheduled our wedding to 2021 in the same month, as the situation is still uncertain, that can change but shouldn't for the time being. We aren't really bothered by it as we understand the situation is very dire and we don't mind waiting for a time which everyone will be safe (possibly).
This morning while I was studying for some exams I'll be having at school. My fiancée got a call by the venue administrator, asking why did we want to cancel our wedding. Obviously, that was very strange and confusing to us. My fiancée let them know that we had no desire to cancel or wedding and further asked what that was about.
Apparently, my fiancée's parents called the venue on OUR behalf, telling them that we no longer wanted to rent the place as we would no longer be getting married. Now, let me explain why the venue was leaning on accepting this situation.
In my country, our ID's carry not only our ID and Social Security (equivalent) number, but also the name of the parents, and to rent a venue you need to provide your ID for them as a bureaucracy requirement. I don't know if that's how it works everywhere, so I wanted to make it clear.
Apparently, they wanted to take advantage of that fact and tried to dupe the venue to cancel our wedding. Luckily, the administrator is quite smart and saw that on our sheet (needed for rental), there is only two names/numbers for contact if we can't be reached, one is my brother and the other is my fiancée best friend.
At the time we booked the place we were already in a strained relationship with our parents so neither of us put them as contact. Thankfully, the administrator actually paid attention to that and took the care and time to reach out to us.
Otherwise we might not only lose our special date, but also all our deposit and dream venue. I'll be honest and saying that I never expected that kind of behavior from anyone in our families. But alas, it seems I was wrong.
Anyhow, now, my fiancée is letting out fumes and I'm trying to calm her down. We already sent a contact to her parents (and mine as we are sure they are in this together), for them to never try to meddle in our lives again. My brother is as angry as we are and he just told me he was heading to their house to tear them a new one.
I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm crestfallen if anything. I never expected or wanted things to be this way. But neither of us will go back on our decision of not having children. Truth be told, I already have the papers for sterilization ready. I just hope that one day they do see that their entitlement just lost them their son and daughter. All because of grandchildren that will never exist. Cheers.
Edit: Thank you all for the nice replies! We really appreciate it. We just spent the whole afternoon calling all our services making sure to create methods so this never happens again. It's taken care of and thank you all for the advice.
I don't really know what my brother told them as he went from there to his work. I did get a text from them complaining that we released our "rabid dog" on them which is amusing to be honest, as my brother is a very calm person. We won't contact them again. Once more, thank you all for the kind words.
EDIT 2: We are really thankful for all the replies! We did decide on passwords with all our contracts and shouldn't have any further problems. But on that note, for those who asked, our parents didn't give us a dime to pay for our wedding. We worked ourselves and paid for every little thing.
They have absolutely no right over it. I did mention this on the previous post, we don't want their money, neither do we need it. We're just sharing and venting our frustration. Anyhow, thank you all for the lovely replies and awards! Cheers!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Remember this phone call, any moment, ever, for the rest of your lives when you begin to feel even a modicum of guilt or hesitation that maybe you've been too harsh.
Plus these Entitled A$$hats will end up in the shi++iest of nursing homes! Play B-Word Games, win B-Word Prizes!
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through all of that...it’s awful that they just won’t stop...glad the venue reached out to you before canceling...this is just an idea, but I’ve heard of couples creating “code words” that the venues and any hired vendors have that need to be stated before any changes will be made...
You should check if that’s a possibility so as to avoid this kind of conflict in the future...I’m sure they will try and come up with something else and I wish you the best!!!
All I can really say even as a parent of young adults is hold your ground. This is your life. Even now do not contact them at all. Let your brother tear into them as he sees fit but this is manipulation and contacting them will only feed into it. If and that's a very big if you ever do wish to contact them again it shouldn't be reactionary and should be on your terms and your terms only.
We grow up, many of us, believing our parents to be all-wise and, well, nearly righteous! Then, we find out they are not. Whether it be a parent, or, some guy in line at the market, we don't owe anyone anything! NOTHING! If we make a choice, then, it is a done deal.
No one should ever try to force their opinions and thoughts on any one else. And, more importantly, we should never be made to feel we have to forego any of our own decisions for any reason! Congratulations on your focus to be yourselves!