Man's friends say he should have given wife of 8 years warning before filing for divorce.
"AITA for filing divorce without letting my wife of 8 years know?"
I(34M) filed for divorce after discovering my wife's(35F) affair with her co-worker. We have been married for 8 years and together for 12. She has been acting cold towards me since last March.
There were other suspicious things, too. After some detective work(snooping actually), I came to learn she had been having an affair with her co-worker. It was first emotional and then it became physical.
I didn't confront her and just kept acting like everything is okay. We used protection, continued our date nights and activities during that time. I was collecting evidence and working with my attorney to complete the filing behind the scenes and financial things.
That lasted for about 4 months and she was served last week. I closed our mutual credit cards, took my half from our joint account and was completely prepared while she wasn't.
I got tested for everything and came clear. She broke down and tried talking to me but I acted as if I am indifferent. In reality, I've been crying secretly some nights since I discovered her affair and it hurts. I'll see it to the end.
I talked about it with few friends and some of them told me I should've at least let her know I was filing for divorce so she could be prepared. Was what I did wrong?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Question,how could you stand to even be in same room and even being intimate with cheater?
Fluffy_Solution_7612 OP responded:
I couldn't but I had to pretend like I could. Petty, I know but I believed this was the only way I could close this chapter. I was afraid she would talk me out of it if my mask dropped. I did it because I loved her and knew I was vulnerable to any kind of convincing attempts from her side.
That's a tough one. Ask yourself: Why didn't you tell her? Did you want to hurt her the same way she hurt you? Then you will know whether YTA.
Fluffy_Solution_7612 OP responded:
I was afraid if I showed any weakness, she would talk me out of it. I loved her and I still do but I was extremely vulnerable. I was afraid of being talked to so I put my mask on while grieving the relationship myself.
Take the vacation and go to place you’ve always dreamed of visiting. Stay in contact only with the lawyer. You need a mental reboot. In two weeks at distance from her, you will become more rational towards her and her actions.
NTA. Blew the walls between her carefully constructed compartments down - shes now in crisis because of it. What you did is what all those betrayed should - take back control and NEVER accept disrespect. "some of them told me I should've at least let her know I was filing for divorce so she could be prepared."
Did your STBXW warn you she was goimg to f*&^ some rando 'so you could be prepared'?? No?? In that case, F them...Youre good.. Also - the coworker has a spouse?? If so, ensure shes informed of the affair. And - expose STBXW and her adultery to her familt, yeah??
Fluffy_Solution_7612 OP responded:
The co-worker has a spouse from what I could understand through their texts. I'll do it but need to find a contact with his wife first.
Please prioritize it - shes in your shoes also.. dont leave her in the dark, give her the poasibility to take control in her own life, like youre doing. Sorry your in this mess - great the way youve handled it!!!
NTA, its not like she gave you the courtesy of letting you know of her extramarital affairs. It’s only the same to not have let her known of the divorce filing.