'I'm days away from giving birth and my BF just told me he can't be there because he's married.' UPDATED

"I (23f) am days away from giving birth and my (37m) boyfriend just decided to tell me that he can't be at the birth--because he's married."

Here's the original post:

So first off I know the age gap probably should've been a red flag but I was stupid. We've been together for two years but he lives in a different city. When I got pregnant, he said he was going to move to my city and we would move in together, he just needed to finalize some things with his ex wife. He told me he was divorced when we met and I never had any reason to question it.

I knew that he had 2 kids with her as well, he told me the truth about that, just not that he wasn't divorced (or even separated). So fast forward, I'm 39 weeks and he suddenly got uncommunicative which is less than ideal when you're literally about to give birth. Bear in mind that he was supposed to have been fully moved in here a month ago.

Today I found out I am going to be induced on Monday unless baby decides to come out over the weekend so I contacted him and I was like okay what's going on? And that's when he told me that he isn't actually separated or divorced, he never told his wife about anything, and now he felt like he was backed into a corner.

I don't feel sorry for him for that because that's his own fault, but obviously literally four days before giving birth isn't the time you want to get this news and I have no idea what to do now. Tell him to eff off, obviously, but what else? I feel like I mean I CAN take care of the baby but I was preparing to have a partner to take care of it with me, you know?

I don't even know what I'm asking for in terms of advice but any advice for moving forward and handling this is appreciated.

Yikes. What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

solidorange87 said:

It’s Thursday, you’ve got time to contact a lawyer before the birth. Can you do that today or tomorrow? Best wishes!!!

twep_dwep said:

Don't worry about his wife right now. Worry about having a safe pregnancy. Do not delete any texts or emails from him, since they may eventually help you in court. Once you've obtained an attorney you can figure out how you'll get child support.

[deleted] said:

OP, lawyer here. Do not take it upon yourself to tell his wife or start anything that might be later deemed “drama.” Yes, I’m aware it’s easy for me to say this laying here on my couch compared to what you’re going through. Find a family lawyer immediately upon returning from the hospital. Do exactly as they say. Good luck in this shitty situation.

RollingKatamari said:

This is absolutely awful, does his wife know about this? You have your baby, you give that baby your last name and you get yourself a lawyer!

[deleted] said:

OP I wouldn't take on the responsability of telling his wife. That's rage directed at you in a vunerable time & you don't need that noise. That is his mess let him deal with it...screw him. Lawyer up post haste, like today & have all further communication go through them.

And dabulls508 said:

Sounds like suing for child support is a good idea. I would gut his ass.

In response to a commenter criticizing OOP for not realizing that she could be the other woman and asking why OOP didn’t demand to see divorce papers:

I would have but the depth of detail he went into about his fake divorce was kind of insane. He didn't leave me any room to question it and because everything he said seemed so solid (and he's not active on any social media or anything) that I felt secure. Short of asking for his divorce papers it really did seem like he was divorced. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have dated him anyway but hindsight is a bitch.

In response to a commenter asking if OOP had ever been to the BF’s place of residence:

He had an apartment-- I get the feeling that I wasn't the first person he tried this on. Told me his ex wife had full custody, blah blah blah blah typical shady story I should have seen through. He was really good at making it all sound realistic. He came to my city for work frequently so a lot of the time we were here, but he really had all his bases covered.

In response to a commenter asking if OOP ever met the BF’s other 2 kids:

Yup. I never once met them. I realize now that this is something I should have seen as a red flag. I think I'm a pretty smart person but let me tell you, this has made me feel like a huge idiot.

In response to a commenter wanting to know how OOP could be with someone who lives out of state for this long:

He doesn't live out of state, he lives in a different city in the same state (around an hour away). He came here lots for work but it's not uncommon for people to live there and work here.

OP then added these two edits to their original post:

Edit 1: thank you all. It seems like getting legal help is priority #1. I'm just in shock right now. Like I almost feel numb, but I really appreciate everyone here for your help. I was really happy and looking forward to baby and I just feel really sad right now so I need to take a breather. Everything is ready for the baby and I'm still excited to meet them, but Jesus.

Edit 2: In addition to all kinds of weird comments I'm getting all kinds of weird PMs so I think I need to just...take a deep breath, walk away, mindlessly binge watch something stupid for awhile and cry my face off tonight.

I called around to a few family lawyers in my area, and the advice I got from posting here has been absolutely brilliant, but I'm running out of the sass/steam to deal with anything else that's happening here so I'm just going to check out.

I'm going to leave the legal business to the lawyers, pray that he didn't give me false information and I can actually find him, and try to remember how much I was looking forward to being a mom before all of this happened. I don't really care if people think it's fake or whatever because I gained exactly nothing (aside from the advice that I needed) from making this post and I gain exactly nothing from arguing.

To everyone who shared their stories with me: thank you. thank you so much. you feel like the dumbest person in the world when this happens to you and knowing it happens to people all the time is a weird comfort even when you wouldn't wish it on anybody.

I don't think of myself as a trashy or generally stupid person, just a person who was blinded by love and naivety and has learned a really hard lesson a really hard way. I doubt anything of monumental concern will happen between now and my Monday induction, but once baby is here I will try to come back and let people know what's happening.

And then, a week later, she shared this update:

First things first: I had my healthy baby girl on Monday evening. We were discharged shortly after birth so I have been just trying to adjust to everything. Her birth was a dream and I never want to do it again. Lol.

Second: I talked to his wife for over an hour yesterday. I guess he decided to tell her. She wasn't mad at me, thank God. She'd had her suspicions but was trying to trust her husband which I understand. She was so nice honestly and even though she isn't angry at me I still feel bad because she's such a nice lady.

She wanted to make sure I was doing okay and that I didn't need anything which made me cry because postpartum hormones are whack. She's getting a divorce from him (good for her tbh). We are planning to meet up and talk shit about him once the virus is over.

I have a lawyer and will establish custody and child support legally asap. He hasn't bothered to contact me at all but I don't particularly care. I didn't want to leave anyone hanging even though it's not a huge update. Thank you to everyone who checked in. It means a lot.

In response to a commenter asking how OOP and the wife made contact:

He refused, so she went through his phone to find me. She's a petty badass and I love her.

To the commenters who accused OP of trying to keep the baby from her father:

He knows she was born and where to find me. If he wants to be in her life he's more than welcome.

I hope he'll decide to! Our door is always open to him. When I say I want legally established custody I just mean I don't want to do anything with him on his word only.

I'm more than happy to give him 50/50. I just want custody to be established legally.