'AITA for considering giving my daughter’s grandparents full custody after her mom died during childbirth?'
"AITA for considering giving my daughter’s grandparents full custody after her mom died during childbirth?"
I (M26) My girlfriend died from complications during childbirth, leaving me to raise our daughter alone. That’s not something I expected or prepared for, but it’s the situation I’m in.
In the first few weeks, I handled what needed to be handled. I made medical decisions, took care of the funeral, and made sure my daughter was safe. Pretty quickly, though, I realized that trying to do everything on my own while grieving wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t sleeping, my head wasn’t clear, and I wasn’t going to pretend that “pushing through” automatically made me a better father.
My girlfriend’s parents stepped in and offered to care for my daughter temporarily. They’re stable, experienced, and deeply invested in her. She’s been with them for a while now, and she’s thriving. I’m still involved I visit regularly, contribute financially, and have a say in decisions but the day to day responsibility isn’t on me right now.
The longer this goes on, the more I’ve had to be honest with myself. I love my daughter, but I’m not sure I’m in the best position to be a full-time single parent, at least not anytime soon. Her grandparents can give her consistency, a built-in support system, and a calm home that I can’t fully offer right now.
I’ve started thinking about whether giving them full custody might actually be the most responsible long-term decision, with me remaining actively involved in her life. This wouldn’t be about disappearing it would be a legal arrangement to give her stability while I continue to be present and supportive.
Some people say even considering this makes me a bad father, that a “real dad” would never think about giving up custody. Others say it’s better to choose what’s best for the child instead of holding onto a role I’m not ready to fill just to satisfy expectations.
I’m not running from responsibility. I’m trying to make a clear-headed decision about my daughter’s future, not my pride. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Have they even ASKED to keep the child permanently? This may not be what they are capable of doing. They may not want to do it and will feel guilted into it, which will lead to resentment of the child.
You are NTA for wanting what is best for your child, but understand, this is NOT something you can just undue later without harm to the child. You deciding in 5-10 years you are "ready" to be a dad and trying to take her back will be extremely damaging and selfish.
Talk to a therapist. Talk to the grandparents. You need to make sure the decision is what EVERYONE wants and it what is best for the child. I am so very sorry for your loss. NTA.
I agree with this comment. My sister had a similar situation and she did sign over her daughter permanently to the grandparents. Once she was able to get herself in a healthier emotional state she truly regretted the decision.
She still has a great relationship with her daughter now that she's an adult but I know that it was very tough for many, many years. Not saying that will be Op. Just saying it is a very large decision that needs to be thought out with some professional help. Good luck OP.
We spoke about it. A few times they said they'll happily keep her temporarily or permanently. I guess the only problem is I don’t know if I'm doing the right thing.
I think this beyond reddit's pay grade and not really an AITAH situation. My only advice would be to take some time to think this over. Right now you're overwhelmed and grieving, and you might want to avoid doing something you might regret later when you're feeling more stable and yourself.
Things will be a lot messier if you change your mind later in your life when you're in a different place and new custody arrangements have been established. Your daughter might grow up to feel rejected by you later on as well, even if you're still involved, if you move on and start a new family with someone else down the road.
Is this something you're really prepared for? if you don't need to make a decision about this in the near future i suggest sitting on it for a while. it might ultimately be what's best for your daughter, but there's a lot to consider, and you should do it with a clear head, rather than at the peak of your grief imo.
How old are the grandparents, and what is their health status? I think you need to consider those two issues before making a final decision. Your daughter doesn’t need to lose 3 parental figures while she’s still a child.
Giving up custody because parenting is “too hard” would make you a bad father, yeah. That’s just giving up your fatherhood entirely and choosing instead to be more of a visiting uncle type. That doesn’t mean it’s not the right decision.
If you’re not willing to do what it takes to prioritize her and give her a good life, then you should give up custody to someone who is willing to be a good parent to her. It sounds like you expected your girlfriend to handle most of the parenting duties while you “helped” and you are not willing to take on that role now that she’s gone.
Please don’t make any major life decisions right now. Seek grief counseling and give yourself time. The arrangements are working at this time. No need to rush things. NTA.
That poor baby. Her mom dies and her dad gives her away for his own comfort. Yes if you’re not going to take care of YOUR child properly because you don’t feel like it, then it is best to give her to people that will.
This does make you a bad dad and a real dad would step up for their child. I bet if you were the one to pass, it wouldn’t even cross her mother’s mind to hand her off. YTA.