"AITA for giving him a taste of his own medicine???"
My husband (M37) and I (F36) have been together for 18 years. We have two kids (2&5). There has been a lot of family drama and disagreements going on lately that is causing strain on our relationship.
I can absolutely feel it and I know he can too. I’m struggling a lot with him in general because I am not feeling the love from his side. He is not good at showing me or telling me he loves me.
My love languages are words of affirmations and physical touching. I’m not big on gifts or jewelry. I’d actually prefer he didn’t get me those things because I feel like they are meaningless and an easy out. He knows this. I have told him many times.
Last night I finally snapped. I was in the kitchen dividing up all the groceries I picked up into prepackaged snack bags so we can grab and go. The kids have gymnastics on Tuesday and swim lessons on Thursday.
I work full time so they are also usually hungry by the time I get to daycare for pickup. It also makes for great snacks on the way home. Anywho… he made a comment about why the kids hairbrush was on the couch and not in the organization bin.
I apologize and said we had been running late that morning and I just didn’t take the time to put it away yet as I came home and immediately started in on the groceries so I could get them put away.
I asked him to put it away and he gave me a “humpf” back. So then I asked him why it seems to irritate him to help put stuff away that is mine or the kids (Looooong story but he can’t stand “our mess that he has to live in”. We’ve had many fights about it.)
As I’m asking this he has this smug look on his face, going “O hhmmm. Mmmhhh.” I told him I wasn’t mad, I didn’t want to fight but that he seems very agitated by my question. He said “I’m just waiting for you to finish.” So I said I was done and he goes “You are 36 years old. Why do I have to pick up after you?” Which yes I get, to a point.
I’m not a slob but I do struggle completing tasks. I have ADHD and have recently gotten back on medication for it. I’m noticing small differences but I know it’s not going to get better overnight.
Doing one thing from start to finish without getting distracted by another thing that needs done is hard for me. I know this. I’m trying. I’m sick of hearing him say “the way your brain thinks pisses me off”.
I asked him why it had to be such a separation between mine and his and why it couldn’t be a partnership where he knows I struggle to give my 50% in that category but he could easily give 70% to make up for where I struggle. I explained that I pickup in the categories he struggles in and never just purposely leave him struggling because “he’s 37 and should be able to do it himself”.
For example, I do the majority of the cleaning, the majority of the stuff with the kids (doctor appointments, extracurricular activities, parent teacher conferences, daycare drop off and pickup, sick days at home are always me, etc).
I don’t remember the last time he washed a load of laundry, or vacuumed, or mopped, or picked up groceries, or remembered any type of appointment or event without me reminding him.
This has made me feel like I don’t have a partner. I have a spouse who only wants to be responsible for himself. So today I woke up and decided he can do that then. He can care for himself. I separated out all his clothes from dirty laundry and the clean laundry to be put away.
I didn’t make his side of the bed. If I could get away with only changing my side of the sheets on the bed, I would at this point. I didn’t clean up his dirty clothes off the floor. After all, he’s 37. Shouldn’t he be able to wash his own clothes? Make his own bed?
Am I being petty AF? Absolutely. But only as petty as he has been for the last however many years walking around the house seeing stuff that needs to be put away but purposely not doing it because “it’s not his mess”.
I feel like I’m also self destructing my own relationship. I love my husband. I do. But I’m so freaking mad he would have that feeling about it when I step up everyday and cover where he can’t. So AITA for giving him a taste of his own medicine?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
>> I’m sick of hearing him say “the way your brain thinks pisses me off”.
That's horrible. You don't tell that to someone you love.
He does not love her. She has yet to figure that out. Maybe after a few more miserable years, she will start to get a clue. He refuses to show her affection by engaging in her love languages AND according to her he does not verbally express his love.
So, neither his actions nor words convey love for her but he is happy to watch her run herself ragged doing damn near everything in the house and everything for the kids, while holding down a full time job. Yet this is the "prize of a man" she is agonizing over. When I tell you the bar is in hell...
NTA. Girl, you have a man-child for a husband. You’re basically his maid at this point. Raise your standards and don’t take his BS. It sounds like you’re a married single parent. I think marriage counseling would be a smart thing to do, but he needs to change his ways.
He sounds incredibly selfish, petty, and condescending. You’re right. He’s not a real spouse, he’s your unofficial third child and it’s absolutely, unequivocally repelling and unacceptable. Know your worth and continue sticking up for yourself.
Don’t do any of the household stuff for him, just the kids and yourself. It’s high time he acts like an actual adult - keep up what you’re doing because there’s no need for you to be his servant and DO NOT let him gaslight you.
NTA but I would be seriously rethinking if this is how you want to spend the next 50 years of your life. As a 62F who wasted the bulk of my 20s and 30s with men who absolutely did not deserve me, I wish I’d have had the self worth I needed to leave those relationships much much sooner!
The way he treats you makes me feel like he doesn’t even really like being a part of this family! Please consider the next 50 years of your life because it goes by fast and being plagued by regrets is not a great way to live.
Honestly - this reads as though a lot of your issues would disappear if you weren't married to this man any more and you were living in separate homes. You do most (I'd actually guess over 90%) of the stuff for the kids and the little bit he does do, he certainly doesn't seem to do it with good grace, considering the kids are 50% of his DNA too.
Definitely go on strike. Don't pick up after him. Don't do his laundry. Don't include him in the pot for dinner. Just don't look after him any more. Then you'll see just how much work you were actually doing that was just for his benefit.
He can read instruction manuals or go to YouTube to learn how to use the appliances. He knows where the shops are. He's a big boy and he'd want to start setting a better example for his kids than the one he's currently showing them!
Also, when you say you love your husband, you can't possibly love the way he treats you, right? That's him. That's the real him. Believe that. This is him now that his mask is slipping and showing you what he's really like. You didn't raise him to be like this but you certainly can stop the next generation from learning from his example. NTA.
The kids' hairbrush. Not even yours. The kids' hairbrush, left from when you took care of your shared children all by yourself. Just as you do all of what should be SHARED household work by yourself. He's 37. Why should you pick up after him? He can't even put his children's hairbrush away, but expects you to pick up his dirty clothes off the floor?
You are NTAH. You are also not the one destroying your relationship. You are just now realizing you don't have a relationship, at least not one that is mutual. You are realizing that you are in a one sided relationship. You are realizing the fragility of that one sided relationship now that you actually need to rely on the individual that is supposed to be your partner.
Maybe he'll realize his inadequacy when you tell him that in order to make sure you have the energy and time to take care of your children, you'll be stepping back on the tasks that a "37 year old should be able to do for himself". More likely he won't, and things will get worse, but you'll have your answer, and maybe the motivation to do what is best for yourself and your children.