'AITA for giving my husband the cold shoulder after he ruined my Halloween?' UPDATED
"AITA for giving my husband the cold shoulder after he ruined my Halloween?"
For context, I’m a 25F and my husband is 29M. I am pregnant with our first baby, and I am 6 months pregnant. This halloween, I was clearly ecstatic to hand out candy to trick or treaters. Where I live, halloween is a massive thing and everyone gets into it.
I decorated the outside of our house, bought loads of candy beforehand, DYED a costume and had been talking about it for weeks. However, my husband is a bit of a grouch when it comes to holidays, he had a bad childhood and heavily dislikes halloween. He’s always put up with it though, because he knows I love it.
This year, whenever a trick or treater knocked at our door, he’d answer before I had a chance and scare them off, yell at them and make scary noises to literal children (I’m talking like 5 year olds).
I told him to stop multiple times, he said he was ‘having his fun’ and I needed to stop being such a party pooper. By the end of the night I had only handed out candy to a few kids, and was very clearly upset with him.
He told me I was overreacting, but he knew I was excited for halloween and he purposely went out of his way to ruin it. So since that night I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder, I’ve tried to express my disappointment but he just won’t listen and says I’m ‘hormonal’.
We have a conjoined friend group and some of them say I’m being an a$#%ole and need to grow up because it’s a child’s holiday, while others say I’m totally reasonable because he ruined the holiday i was excited for. So, I’m looking for some outside perspective…AITA?
Edit: I left out some information here, and hopefully this can clear some things up. First off: YES, I was also mad he terrorised innocent children. I made sure to give extra candy to the children and apologised to them and their parents profusely, I thought it was obvious I would’ve apologised?
And secondly: No, he doesn’t usually act like this around kids. If he did, I never would’ve married him, let alone let him impregnate me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Even if it is a "child's holiday" he f^%$##g ruined it for a lot of children. He went out of his way to ruin things for you, that's messed up. He's a man child and he's dismissing your emotions. If he's this willing to treat you so poorly over something you care about and he views as not a big deal I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.
Your child is going to grow up seeing that it's OK to disrespect another person if you personally don't view it as a big deal. Think on that.
Let's not forget he's gaslighting her by the claim she's hormonal. Gaslighting her enough she's second guessing herflself about it and is asking here. OP: NTA, but your husband is.
Honestly . . . ESH. Your husband was a complete AH to a bunch of little children and the only thing you seem to be upset about is that he ruined your fun?
Halloween should be the least of your concerns right now. If this is how he behaves toward children, then you need to be way more concerned about how he’s going to be with your kid.
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
Obviously i was MORTIFIED with his behaviour, as I said in the updated post - I apologised to the children and parents profusely and gave them extra candy, I didn’t add this as I thought it would be obvious I didn’t condone it but I’ve updated it.
What were the parents saying?
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
Some were reasonably angry considering their children were horrified, some laughed it off (it honestly depended on the age of the kid) But it just wasn’t okay of him. I gave the children extra candy and profusely apologised to the parents, only a few were mad at me but I did apologise.
Right so it was super inappropriate it’s not like you’re being sensitive. What does he do to his nephew?
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
My nephew is 11, but has always attempted to bond with his uncle considering they both have the same interests. (Stars wars and video games)
But my husband has always been seemingly distant, doesn’t want to talk or do things at all. I feel so bad for my nephew, he’s a sweet boy and doesn’t deserve the animosity from my husband. I feel like I’ve ignored all his red flags, I’m confused right now, how could I have missed it?
Has he done this before? Did he terrorize children for fun before you decided to have a baby with him?
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
No, but I’ve talked to a lot of friends and it’s been an eye-opener. He has a nephew that he’s cruel to as well, he’s been cold and distant the entire pregnancy now that I realise. WIBTA if I went through his phone, he spends loads of time at work.. I’m having a bad feeling…
NTA I'm a teacher and know that age very well. Do you know how easily traumatized kids are at that age? His behavior is abusive and ruined Halloween for his little victims, not just you.
Being single is way better than being with someone who gaslights you, has no consideration for your feelings, and terrorizes toddlers. "You're hormonal" because you're pointing out that it's wrong to traumatize kids? He's going to be much worse after you have that baby. He's already acting out because you're pregnant.
For the sake of your child, you really should leave him immediately. And dump any friends siding with a sadist. Scaring children like that is a huge red flag. That is not normal behavior at all. It shows he gets off harming innocent children. What do you think he's going to do to your kid when he gets angry or feels compelled to "have his fun"?
As a childhood trauma survivor, I know that you can end up one of two ways: you can become someone who is very mindful and empathetic so that you don't continue the cycle of abuse or you can become an abuser. Your husband very much seems like the latter. He needs therapy and you need to get the f%^$ away from him.
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
Thank you, I’m going to go through his phone. (I said in another comment he’s been very cold and distant now that I realise) but I plan to file for divorce and serve his ass with papers, for me and my baby.
Do not go thru his phone. There's no reason to. You have enough evidence of who he is to determine if you want to stay or go, and to have that conversation with him. Leave snooping his phone out of it, it's not gonna do anything helpful.
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
Alright, I haven’t done anything yet and I’ll take this advice. I’m really worked up and don’t want to do anything irrational.
My first question would be, would you trust him alone with your baby after seeing him do this? Because I sure wouldn't. My second question would be, are any of your neighbors still talking to you? Because if a grown human male ruined my child's Halloween that way, that family would be the people i would go out of my way to avoid. Just saying.
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
My answer to the second question: They’re only talking to me, all of them have been giving my husband death glares and been making comments. (Reasonably so in my opinion). And my answer to the first question, I’m still trying to figure that one out myself, which is a bad sign.
A lot of people have bad childhoods and hate holidays. Good people don’t ruin it for other people. Your husband is a f^%&*&g loser. Dismissing you for calling you hormonal? Really? Your friends defending him f*&)^*% suck too.
I feel bad for your child. Their father is an inconsiderate asshole that never got over a bad childhood and takes it out on everyone. His idea of “fun” is ruining other people’s time and he enjoys seeing people, especially children scared or upset.
I hope you’re ready for a lot of “why I don’t like dad” and “why the f^%$ did you have kids with someone so awful” conversations with your kid. I’m sure this behavior isn’t going to stop with you, and it sounds like your husband is well on his way to making sure his own kid has a s*$%ty childhood too.
Intentionally ruining peoples fun, and scaring people to the point where you have to apologize to their parents are not things good people do. Calling a woman hormonal when she’s upset is not something good people do.
Dismissing a loved one’s concerns and refusing to admit any form of fault is not something good people do. You should want better for yourself, and you should want better for your kid. NTA, but holy s&%$what about him even appeals to you?
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
Thank you for all of this, I messaged him a few hours ago and told him we need to talk when he gets home. And what I saw in him… unfortunately I have a penchant for thinking I can fix broken souls. He was really sweet at first… this has ruined my dreamy vision of him and opened my eyes up to reality.
The next day OP came back with this update:
Hello all, I didn’t expect to update this but everyone wanted to know so here I am! First off, thank you for all your advice. It really gave me some insight and I appreciate it deeply, anyways, on to the update.
I waited for my husband to come home from work, I messaged him and told him we needed to talk once he got home and he replied with a thumbs up.
When he got home I sat him down and attempted to have a rational conversation with him, expressing my disappointment of the ruined holiday and why I was upset with him terrifying children considering he was a soon-to-be father.
I suggested that we go to couple’s therapy to discuss boundaries and behaviour, and he goes to individual therapy to talk about his own issues.
He blew up immediately, accusing me of disregarding his trauma and basically just yelling at me for being weak. He insisted he didn’t need therapy, but his response reinforced that he did. He went as far as to punch a wall and destroy furniture, total maniac mode.
I had pre packed a bag in case it led to this (Thanks to your guys comments) And I left for my parents house, he was berating me as I left the house but I paid no mind. My parents are obviously on my side, my older brother was absolutely furious and swore to beat my husband’s ass. I told him not to do that, he’s always been a bit over the top.
I’m going to listen to everyone’s advice and get a divorce, I don’t want my baby surrounded by that kind of immature bully. I’m going to try and get full custody, our house has cameras so I have proof of his adult tantrum so I hope that can be proof.
My brother and dad are going to come with me to collect my things while my soon-to-be ex husband is at work. I’ll keep you guys posted, thank you for all your support and helpful comments. I can’t believe this happened all within the span of almost a day, life is crazy.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
YTA.u blew up your marriage over f&^@#g Halloween wow I feel sorry for your kid
AccomplishedOwl4472 OP responded:
I blew it up? Yet he was the one acting like a man-child and having an adult tantrum when I suggested therapy to help us move stronger for our child, his response solidified I needed to get out.
Ignore this person. They obviously think you should suck up your husband destroying your house, which says more about them than you.
If he's that crazy after the suggestion of therapy, you may want to ask your local Sherrif's/Police Department for an escort as well. That might help keep everyone in check as any one of you could be harmed if a fight occurs. Idk if you can also make a report of the incident as well just to have it legally documented. ETA: Download the camera footage.
I’m so sorry it came to this OP but I’m glad you saw BEFORE the baby came! He really does need some professional help