'AITA for giving my sister a recommendation about her son’s behavior?'
"AITA for giving my sister a recommendation about her son’s behavior?"
I 27 have a master’s degree in social work. My sister 30 is an LPN, and she has 4-years-old son. My sister called me worried because he son’s behavior at school has increased. He pulled down his pants in front of others students and has been more aggressive lately. She said she is worried about him being autistic.
As I used to work as a care manager for youth with behavioral issues and mental health or any kind of disabilities, I recommended calling for help. And explained to her how the might help. She said that they require a diagnosis, I said no, they actually can help you get one. I also mentioned that her son will get mental health therapy in home.
Then she got defensive and said I was “ making it about my master’s degree’” and that is not about me, it is about her son. She said she will be looking for a diagnosis on her own and decided after that. I ended the call since she was yelling at me. Then I texted her, “ sorry for giving a recommendation. It won’t happen away.” AITA for giving her that suggestion?
Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.
Update to add:
Speaking with my sister isn’t as easy as it sounds. She often calls me to vent about her job, school, or whatever is stressing her out, and I always listen.
But whenever I give my opinion about anything, something like this happens — which is why I usually just agree with whatever she says. This time, I didn’t think it would be an issue since she’s been convinced her son might be autistic since he was about 10-months-old. Every developmental stage, he reached “late.”
I don’t know if this matters for the post, but she’s always believed that my career doesn’t involve therapy and that social workers can’t help with things like this. I stopped talking about my job altogether since I started my master’s program last year.
Last update: Thank you so much for helping me think through this. I understand that next time I need to be sure about what she’s actually asking of me. I’ve decided that I’m not going to give my opinion on anything related to this anymore.
If she got upset over such a small recommendation, any future advice would likely be met the same way — and she would think I’m making it about my knowledge. If she asks me for advice on anything like this in the future, I’m just going to redirect her to her doctor or the school.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Greenjello14 wrote:
NTA. Why did she even call you? If she didn’t want help. I would say next time with anyone ask do you want advise or do you just want me to listen.
OP responded:
Honestly, it think everything goes back that she doesn’t believe social worker are for therapy. She told me this when I was in grad school. She said that if she ever needs therapy she will never go to a social worker because the real therapist are psychologists or psychiatrist. So I guess that’s why she said she will find her own psychiatrist.
Donutsmell wrote:
Info: did she actually ASK you for recommendations and advice, or was she just calling to vent/talk to her sister. Her claims you were making it about your master’s degree leads me to believe she just wanted her sister, not a professional’s opinion.
OP responded:
She was saying that she spoke with a coworker who has an autistic son, and had the same sign as my nephew. And that she doesn’t know what do to. Because his behavior is getting worse.
redroverose wrote:
INFO- call who for help? Why didn’t she want to do it?
OP responded:
I was telling her to call perform care. PerformCare NJ is the administrative arm of the New Jersey Children's System of Care (CSOC) that connects families to services for children with behavioral, developmental, or substance use challenges.
I told her that she will have a care manager and in home therapist. She said what they would do, play? Playing is not a therapy. I said yes it is. Play therapy. They can help her so much, so many services. And I know this because I was a care manager.
skateboard_turtle wrote:
ESH. I learned the hard way that a lot of people, even close family and friends, just want to vent and don't actually want advice. Even if they seem like they do and you know what could help. And sometimes they ask for advice but get angry with the problem and throw on to you because you're the one they're talking to. Relationships are hard.
OP responded:
He is my nephew and I care about him, and I feel he can get so much from this program. But, I also understand that this is hard for her accepting that he might have a problem. I just thought that I was helping with some resources.
2dragontats wrote:
It's hard for parents to realize that their child has an issue. It makes her feel like she has failed something. It's not about you. Unfortunately, she has lashed out after asking. Let her cool off and she may come back and apologize. Or not each parent is as different as each child. You are NTA. It's a very difficult position.
kattvp wrote:
ESH. I am also a social worker with years of experience working with people with disabilities. It’s sooo hard to turn off the work side and the desire to “fix”. It isn’t really clear if your sister wanted solutions or just wanted to vent. On the other hand, why call a person with a lot of expertise if you don’t want to hear what they have to say?