'AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum on her male best friend due to what he did before our wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for giving my wife an ultimatum on her male best friend due to what he did before our wedding years ago?"

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years. And something I learned from her male friend's gf was that he confessed his love to my wife the night before. She told me they got into a fight about this, and figured I should know.

So I confronted my wife about this, and she admitted it.

I yelled at her, and asked how the f she could keep this from me and how the f#$k she thought it was appropriate to have him at our wedding. She told me she didn't want to ruin our wedding day, and I told she's not f#$king stupid enough to not know I'd want to know this.

See, this male friend always made me uneasy from the start.

She told me that she has no feelings for him.

After this, idk if I trust her.

I told her that if she even wants me to consider staying with her, she needs to cut off her friend.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

No-Doubt9679 wrote:

OP I had something similar happen to me with my female friend a week before my wedding. She told me she loved me and sent me nudes of herself. My mom didn’t raise no fool though. I told my now wife right away.

I’m sure if I would have tried to hide something like that. I probably would be divorced today. This friend was known to hang out with both my wife and me quite a bit. Been married 13 years now. And yes my wife had me go NC with this ex friend.

anomalooloo wrote:

YTA, not so much for the ultimatum than for the concept of not trusting your wife at all. If you don't trust her even after 5 years of marriage, you never will.

OP responded:

She lied to me. She know fully well that this is something I'd want to know. Of course I'm not trusting her right now.

[deleted] wrote:

She didn’t stop the wedding. You won. She married you. Why would she ruin the wedding over someone else’s feelings that she didn’t share. And why are you so upset about it 5 years later? Come on. Move on.

OP responded:

Cuz she still hangs with this guy at least once a week.

[deleted] responded:

He has a girlfriend. He’s moved on. He’s obviously not pining away for her. I understand you would be upset bit considering it was 5 years ago and she’s still with you, not with him, it sounds like everyone has moved on, as adults do.

OP responded:

Ex girlfriend...she literally told me they had a fight over this because he's still obsessed with my wife.

clearheaded01 wrote:

Yeah, no. Wifey kept it secret because she knew it was inappropriate to keep this guy as a friend. And possibly because she liked the validation knowing he would step up the minute she decided to give him a chance?

And...you also need to consider - and ensure wifey us informed of this - what else she's been lying by omission about. NTA for the ultimatum, however...if wifey had admitted what she did was wrong AND had cut the guy off herself, then you could have a way forward.. as it is, you don't know if she's cutting him off because she has remorse or because she fears consequences...

No_client1841 wrote:

NTA…not in any sense. Cutting him out should have been bare minimum. She should have done it after the wedding ( personally he’d be out the wedding if it was me) and told you.

Yes you would have been pissed still but at least it was early enough that you guys could have worked through it and it would have shown she put you and the marriage first. But no she decided she knew better, she chose to kept it from you because she cared more about a friendship than her husband in that moment.

Ignore all the commenters who spout this ‘she picked you’ you’re overreacting. You are not. Your wife lied to you for 5 years. She thought about the appearances of the wedding rather than your feelings. What is crazy is why she still has a close friendship with him after that. He was trying to ruin your relationship. If she said yes, you’d been left at the alter like a fool.

What people are glaringly ignoring is that it is still a problem 5 years later if he’s falling out with a gf over it. He wasn’t concerned about you when he fessed, he wasn’t concerned about her feelings when he fessed up. He shot his shot and hoped your wife had feelings back. Your wife is deluding herself if she thinks that they can still have the same friendship as before.

She either enjoys knowing someone has deep feelings for her or she is just delusional that he’s as innocent as he is and they can move past something as big as that and it be ok. And honestly everyone getting on you at yelling at her, she is stupid. She’s stupid to continue to carry on a friendship with someone actively trying to destroy her marriage, she stupid for putting appearances over her marriage.

Yelling at her is understandable, she’s dishonest and trust me others would have said more colourful words than to her. She’s started her marriage on a lie bottom line…wait until you find out that they’ve actually have a romantic past before you and she’s lied about that to.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

We are currently separated, and I am in the process of divorcing my wife. Honestly, her hesitation of making a choice was too much for me. Just the fact that she needed so long to cut this guy out after he crossed the line and that she has so much trouble making it right for me speaks volumes to me.

When I told her this, and that I was leaving her, she tried to convince me and say she will cut him off. I told her it was too late at that point.

I told her I don't trust her.

I don't want to be with her.

I don't want to deal with her again.

I've been staying with a friend right now.

One thing I wanted to address about my last post that kept coming up. Some of you said "HE'S OVER HER! HE HAS A GF" and I gotta say, you must be actually brain dead or can't read. His EX gf literally told me they got in a FIGHT about this BECAUSE HE WASN'T OVER MY WIFE. That's literally why I found out. Cuz his EX told me about it. His gf was another person caught up in this s#$t.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

IfIwerenyourshoes wrote:

OP do what you feel is best for you. NTA, and she should have cut him out the moment you said something. Fact is she did not, and you have made your decision. How is she taking it. If it were me, I would use my socials and post about it. Tagging my stbxw, and him, and saying what was said and done. Because she will likely lie about the why you are divorcing.

far_prior1058 wrote:

NTA - this guy crossed a serious line and if your wife was the person she should would have cut him immediately out of her life and told you. The fact that she had to think about it after you found out is a huge red flag. I would suggest marriage counseling first but you seemed to have made up your mind and if that works for you go for it. Take your time and talk to your lawyer. Good luck.

wconn1979 wrote:

She should have been honest from the start if she didn’t have feelings for him. But refusing to cut him off for you says she does.

TXFrenchToast wrote:

"Honestly, her hesitation of making a choice was too much for me."

Wow. I get it. WTF was there to hesitate about? Hope you're doing okay, OP. This is a lot.