'AITA for giving my son's girlfriend a budget for the dinners she's making?'
"AITA for giving my son's girlfriend a budget for the dinners she's making?"
My son (23M) graduated university back in June and he moved back across the country to live with us since he found a job in the area. He’s been in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend, Carmella (21F) until October.
She initially took a semester off from college and was living with her mom. However, she’s decided she’s not going back. Her mom said she would have to move out and she had nowhere to go.
My son is moving into his own place in January and had invited her to move in already, saying she could get a job in the area. However, she needed to move out sooner, and they both asked me if she could move in.
I agree. Neither are paying rent as I personally don’t believe in charging my kids to live here, so it felt wrong to charge Carmella any. I just asked that they clean up after themselves and be respectful of everyone.
They agreed. Carmella moved in after Halloween and she’s been a joy to have here. She’s still looking for a job. Most nights, she’s offered to cook dinner to give back to us. I’ve always told her it’s not necessary, but she insists. She’s a good cook, so I tell her if she wants to, have at it.
A week into her living here, she mentioned wanting to make a certain dish but we didn’t have the ingredients. I offered to give her my card so she could buy groceries. Since then, it’s become a regular thing.
I didn’t mind it initially. She picked up my groceries as well, and it seemed to be a good deal all around. But then a couple of weeks in, she started wanting to make multiple trips a week and buy things that I normally wouldn’t budget for on a regular basis, such as steak and seafood.
I asked her on Sunday when she went to the store to please get everything she needed in one trip. She said okay. I thought that solved the problem. Cut to Monday night, and we finish dinner.
She and my son are talking while I’m doing the dishes. Carmella mentions wanting to make steak on Thursday. My son says that sounds good. Carmella says she’ll have to go back to the store.
My son turns to me and says “Mom, give her the card.” I tell them no. I say I already gave her money to go shopping on Sunday and told her to get everything she needed. I also said we can’t swing everyone having steaks this week (6 people in the house), but maybe I can make them for Christmas dinner.
I then go on to say if Carmella wants to keep cooking for us, which I appreciate, I am going to put her on a budget. I apologize for not doing it sooner. Carmella looks upset and my son seems offended.
Later on, my son tells me I “embarrassed” Carmella when she’s just trying to be nice. I said I appreciate her cooking dinner, but she’s doing it on my dime, and I can’t afford this.
I pointed out he’s free to give her money to do this. My son pointed out they’re only here “a few more weeks”, can’t I just make “my guest” happy? Am I really in the wrong here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Regardless of her intentions, treating you as an unlimited bank for food purchases is disrespectful. Capping your food expenses is a completely reasonable thing to do.
NTA - sit down with both of them, tell her that you love her cooking, and that you'd love to sit down and plan meals with her...but you'll have to stick to a budget because you don't have a money tree in the back yard.
ps> If your son complains again, ask him if he's going to give her an unlimited food budget when they move in together...I'll bet his tune changes at that thought.
NAH here. She probably had no idea you didn't like the arrangement and the average 21 year old is pretty clueless. She probably is embarrassed and that's ok! It's ok to experience negative emotions when you unwittingly do something wrong, especially to someone already doing you a favor.
You have every right to set boundaries about your food budget - we pretty much all have to be aware of that with how expensive groceries are. Sounds like you said it kindly and appropriately. Your son needs a reality check. Sounds like them moving out will be a reality check for both of them.
NTA but neither is Carmella. Your son is. He has a job and doesn’t pay rent. Fine, but why is he not funding the ingredients? “Give her the card” also rubs the wrong way. He’s already getting a pretty good deal. You are not an ATM.
I think the gf is also kinda in AH territory, swiping her bf's mom's card without considering the cost of what she's buying. Maybe she thought mom was rich but that's also not a good assumption to run with 😬
I am worried about Ms. Carmella. She quit school to go live with a guy. Now she has an unfinished degree and no job. Her budgeting skills seem a big shaky. It was very nice that's he offered to cook, but the fact she thought it was ok to buy expensive ingredients without asking is odd. Add to this brewing mess, the son's mindset that this is all ok. I see trouble ahead.
Carmella, I appreciate your cooking and it's a delight to have you here. However, I can't continue to afford lavish meals for us all, as delicious as they are, they're out of my budget on a regular basis.
This is my food budget of xx dollars, and I would love if you could make that work weekly. Anything above and beyond that is your responsibility as a grown adult. I know this may be uncomfortable to hear, and it isn't a personal attack. Sorry to make you uncomfortable and maybe I should've set this boundary earlier but it's where Im at.