"AITA for giving my wife a quiz on our child?"
My ex wife, "Melissa" (37F), and I had our son, "Matthew" (16M), really young. I was only 18 at the time - now 34. The few years following his arrival were a whirlwind. I was in college, tackling as much as I realistically could each semester (summers included) so that I could start my career as quickly as possible.
Melissa and I divorced pretty much immediately after I secured a steady position for myself post-university. Throughout it all, my little village was there for me. There were a few people by my side, but particularly my mom and my childhood friend, "Vincent" (38M). He was there through first giggles, diapers changes, me sobbing at 3am worried I was the worst dad in the world, etc.
Then we got married, which means he stuck around through last minute school project supply runs, being the go-to calculus homework helper, and moonlighting as a driving instructor.
Mine and Melissa's lives look very different from one another's these days. It really doesn't sit well with me, how uninvolved she is. We have a week by week custody agreement, but it doesn't seem like Matthew is allowed to have much of a life at her house.
His birthday was last Saturday. I'm always in charge of throwing the parties and I enjoy that. But it was just yet another year of watching the painful reminders that she is so hands-off.
At one point, I asked her to hand something to Matthew's best friend. This is a kid who practically lives at my house he's over there so much and she couldn't identify him by name. I had to point him out to her.
Later that night, I pulled her aside and was just talking about how sad it was. I asked her a few questions, like what video game is he interested in right now. What's his shoe size. Who are his close friends.
Just basic questions a parent should know about their kid, and she struggled to answer any of them. She left pretty soon after, claiming I had no right to "give her a quiz on her own child." AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You are absolutely right, she should know all that and more about her own child. Why not go for full custody? It would signficantly improve Matthew's life.
Cool-Instruction-833 (OP)
Trust me, if I had it my way, he would be with us full time. It’s an ongoing discussion we have, and he says he doesn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings and leave her alone. This situation has been an exercise in empathy and patience for me. I understand where my son is coming from. When he isn’t here, his little brother and my husband still are. When he’s not with his mom, she’s by herself.
I’m trying to find the balance of allowing him to make his own decisions vs knowing when to step in. Also trying to find the balance between raising a compassionate young man vs one who sets himself on fire to keep others warm. He knows where I stand, and he knows that he is my priority, not him and his mom. One word from him and I’ll be making the custody arrangement change happen.
It sounds like you’re doing the right things and raising a very thoughtful kiddo. I don’t have any advice, but I’m rooting for y’all.
I remember quizzing my parents on who my friends were, my favorite colour and favorite band when I was his age, they couldn't answer a single thing. Kids know who's interested in their lives and where they're safe. His mum is in for a rude awakening when your kid is 30, has his own children, and she's alone for the holidays. NTA.
NTA. I'm glad that you, Matthew and Vincent all have each other. It sounds like you have a beautiful family. And soon, Mathew will be able to make all his own choices about who he spends his time with.
Cool-Instruction-833 (OP)
Thank you! My husband and I had another baby seven years ago, and I sometimes worry that our desire to have both of our kids together as often as possible will cloud our judgement. I think we’re pretty good at removing ourselves from the situation and being objective, though.
I’m mostly angry on my son’s behalf. There are times I’ll overhear him on the phone with his friends making plans, and he’ll say some version of “my mom will say no. Just wait until I’m back with my dads, then we can hang out.”
I’m left wondering, why is he not allowed guests in his own home, or to go out and have fun in the car my husband and I bought him? But I don’t confront because I’m trying to keep the peace. Co-parenting is not for the weak.
Playing devil's advocate here. Just because she doesn't know those things doesn't necessarily mean she is a bad mom. It could mean they just do different things together. Instead of asking her things you know he does at your home the better question should be what do you guys do together/talk about?
My kids father grills and is outdoorsy with our kids and I'm the one aware of my kids friends/parents and video games interest and school life in general. I don't think my ex is a bad person just because he doesn't know this stuff.
This was my thought. Like is his best friend anywhere geographically where she lives? Does he see his best friend all the time when he's at his mom's house? How much does Mom work?
Does she work nights so they don't spend a lot of time together and so when they do spend time together there's nobody else there? There's just not enough information to make an informed decision.