'AITA for going forward with divorce now that my wife is getting the help she needs?'
"AITA for going forward with divorce now that my wife is getting the help she needs?"
I 29m was in a relationship with my STBX wife 28f for 8 years. Everything was what i will describe as nearly perfect. Small argument here and there but nothing really significant or relationship altering. All of that stopped 13 month ago after she got pregnant. The child wasn't a surprise as we were trying for a baby.
I seriously don't know what went wrong but around the 4 month mark my wife completely made a 180 switch from the kind, caring and sweet women she use to be to a total tyrant i know it's bad to speak of someone like that but that is the best way to describe it.
I am completely honest when i say me breathing was an issue for her, waking me up at 2-3 in the morning because she wanted something specific and become verbally agressive when i refused to drive 40 minutes to get her an ice-cream she was craving. She went on a tirade because she wanted chick fil A on a sunday and the place was close.
Calling me a useless husband, everything under the sun, wasn't allowed to sleep in the same bed as her then being pissed at me in the morning for not sleeping in the same bed as her, cleaning the house because it's to loud then not cleaning the house, cooking something she doesn't want anymore but requested it earlier.
I bared everything, every insults, all the verbal berating. I never raised my voice towards her during this time. I begged her to get help, talk to a doctor, therapist, her mother anyone but she refused and that just made things worse because apparently i called her crazy for asking her to get help.
I went with her to the doctor one time and when i brought up the mood swing the hell i was in for a whole week wasn't worth it.
Talking to her mother as well, she tried to help but my wife will act overly sweet and she made it seem that i was the crazy one until her mother left and it was back to hell for me, even the camera footage i have of her going off she made it seem out of context and i was made out to be the monster by everyone for not doing more or enough.
she made it seem that every time she got angry was in response to something i did. Me sleeping at 4am and she not being able to open a can of peaches was my fault earning me a can against the chest while sleeping.
4 month ago she gave birth, wasn't a easy birth but i was hopeful that things will somewhat return to normal but that is when the post partum depression kicked in. I again tried to help, i really did suggestions, research, talking to a therapist on my own to find better ways to help her but everything i did just made things worse.
I was against her with everything calling her a s&$% wife, bad mother even though those words never left my mouth. Everything blew up when she actively got physical. My last straw was when she smashed a coffee cup on my head when i walked out the room after an small argument because i took to long to bring her the cup of coffee.
i was busy with our son changing his diaper. This was the first time in 8 years that i raised my voice at her and told her we are done, she can pack her s*^& and move the f^%& out of the house.
She went to her parents house, she wanted to take our son but i didn't allow that, when she said she will call the cops i pointed to the camera in the hall way and told her she is welcome to try as the camera caught it all. A week later i was served with divorce papers, i wanted to file but didn't have time with work and caring for our son. I was to busy.
3 weeks back after i got back from work my in laws were waiting for me, apparently her parents got her to see a therapist after they threatened to kick her out because she became as agressive towards to them as she was to me. They finally believe me and that i wasn't making things up. They gave me a letter from my wife before the left.
The letter basically says the following without writing everything out. She is sorry for the way she treated me all those months, she doesn't know why she did it and has no excuse, after her parents threatened to kick her out and she saw a therapist and psychiatrist she is better now that she is on medication to help her.
In the letter she says she stopped the divorce proceedings and want to give us another try. I haven't responded to her letter and told my lawyer to proceed with the divorce proceedings.
I gave the letter to her as well as it contains a lot of detail of what she did as well as her admitting to everything, it's not just my words anymore especially for the things that happened in public the videos i have of it as well and the video of her breaking the coffee cup on my head with the hospital visit for the stitches and burn marks from the hot coffee.
I am told I'm the a^%#$le as she is getting the help she needs now and that i should forgive her and give her another chance, i should do it to keep our family together, if i truly love her, i will be able to forgive her for the things she did while not in her right mind. I am a monster because i have no idea what she went through.
My things is why didn't she take the help i suggested, i did everything humanely possible to help her and she refused, she made me out to be this evil person and everything i didn't wasn't right, good enough, not enough, nothing. Even when i removed myself from the situation that was also wrong.
I have more than enough evidence to get full custody of our son and a prenup that protects everything i have including the house. AITA for refusing to continue in this relationship and preceding with the divorce?
Edit to add: I see it already in the notification. i am going for full custody of my son. My lawyer says there is no sustainties but she can't see any reason a judge would not grant me full custody of my son.
Just to add as well, my son is mine. Did go through my wife messages and everything just before she gave birth for this exact reason. No deleted messages i could find, weird expenses, out of context messages or anything like that. Test was done and he is mine.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You and your son were not worth her getting help over but her parents are? After the things she did to you, no matter the circumstances, she doesn’t get to play the victim now.
Do people really have cameras on the insides of their houses recording everything?
ThrowRAevilhusband OP replied:
I have 3 camaras inside the house, 1 each pointing at the doors, front and back boors and 1 in the hallway leading to the bedrooms. None in any of the private rooms of the house.
This story is a re-post. It was posted a few months ago. There's no way the exact story of the wife smashing the coffee cup on his head is a different person. If it's the same person, why wouldn't he just update on his other post? If I recall, he was supported by the comments.
ThrowRAevilhusband OP responded:
Sorry to say, i read that one but that wasn't me. for me it's not about the coffe cup. I think she would have used anything but the coffe cup was what she had in her hand at the time. She didn't throw the cup at me she full blown smashed the cup against my head. Think of hitting someone with a fist instead of the fist its a cup.
No Judge and no lawyer would ever tell OP they would get full custody based on this. Women change when pregnant and some drastically. And PPD is a REAL thing. If she is getting help and has been no danger to the child then there is NO way a judge would do this.
I was a foster for years and it is like an act of God to have a parents rights drastically changed. Either this is fake or OP is delusional. But it is fake because no way a woman leaves the home without her newborn child.
ThrowRAevilhusband OP responded:
I would like to take your attention to my edit. My lawyer said there are no certainties but she can't see any reason for me not to get full custody especially with everything i have prooving she is a danger.
Less than a month and she is all of a sudden cured, it doesn't work like that unfortunately and i will not believe any of that. Unless she can show significant improvement she will not see my son, i don't care if she is the mother or not.
Do you really still love her after all that? After she berated and hit you? Can you trust a woman who could have made your kid fatherless with a coffee mug you gave her out of kindness because "she was mad"? What if your kid does something silly out of ignorance from being... you know... a kid and she goes ballistic? Are you gonna be okay with watching that go down?
Dont let her even have the chance man. This woman failed you as a partner and your kid as a mother. Youre NTA. Go be a good daddy and keep your little dude safe.
ThrowRAevilhusband OP responded:
I love and still love the women she used to be and that i used to know, but what she became, I can't ever see loving her.
Postpardom depression is very real. I’d give her a chance to get back to being a normal person. She destroyed her body and mind making you a father. Most people handle that fine, she didn’t.
Give her the opportunity to recover from her mental illness and stay separated until she does. She either recovers or she doesn’t. But to throw your entire relationship away and give up on her because she has a very real mental illness is not looking at the full picture.
She threw it away, i tried for months and I'm done trying. If i did anything similar remotely similar would your advice be the same to her.
Why should i, she refused to get help untill she had no options left, untill everyone turned their backs on her now I'm good enough again but for months i was this useless shit stain on the carpet
I was told to f^%& off for breathing in the kitchen while she sat in the living room, apparently i was breathing to loud and it irritated her. No other noises made i literally walked into the kitchen and her word were fuck off your breathing to loud and it's irritating me.
NTA. She was awful to you. That’s all there is to it. Her mental problems don’t reduce the harm caused to you by one iota.
Though the fact that she only acted this way to you behind closed doors, and acted sweet whenever anyone else was around, tells me she knew damn well what she was doing. Every time she hurt you it was a conscious choice on her part.
Proceed with the divorce, and try to get as close to full custody as possible. I wouldn’t put it past your stbx to take thinsg out on your baby as revenge-by-proxy.