'AITA for going away the same weekend as my BF, leaving him to look after our daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for booking to go away the same weekend as my boyfriend leaving him to look after our daughter?"

My boyfriend and I have a 3-year old daughter together. He used to go away very occasionally by himself before we had her and this has increased quite a lot since she was born. Not for long periods, just a night or two. He also visits his daughter from a previous relationship - which is fine but I am mentioning as relevent later.

He is notoriously bad at informing me when he is going away. He always claims he told me and I forgot. There have been times where he he has arranged to see his daughter on weekends when plans have already been made. Once I had arranged for my mum to babysit for our anniversary and for us to go out.

Another time I was meant to be attending a baby shower and needed him to watch our daughter. Another time I had arranged to go to the theatre with a friend. His daughter lives quite far away so he wouldn't have made it back in time to watch our daughter. He was fully aware of all these plans and claim he forgot when arranging to see his daughter.

I didn't ask him to cancel as it is not fair on her so I had to make other arrangements in each case. I have never had a night away for our daughter. I had made a couple of plans but each time they got cancelled. He says he encourages me to go away and he is not stopping me, I have tried to explain that his going away so much does stop me as someone needs to look after our child.

In a few weeks I have arranged to see my friend for a couple of days. I told him about it and he said I couldn't do it on that date because he was going on a cycle holiday. I told him he hasn't told me anything about this and yet again he claims he did and I forgot.

He asked me to cancel it saying I could go to my friends anytime. I could rearrange it but feel I shouldn't have to, he could also rearrange camping. So I have been refusing and he is now in a sulk. AITA for not rearranging my plans?

Edit: I had got a family calendar when's the issues of him double booking seeing is daughter arose. Problem is he will only write in it if I nag him to do so. Or he will say he will do it later and not to treat him like a child.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Irish19c said:

With everything here it doesn’t sound like he is a good partner. His gaslighting you about his plans is not good and you need to address it. Maybe a shared calendar where he puts the time so at least there is proof. But your bigger issue is that he doesn’t respect you. Being a parent and partner is a 2 way street and everything here is flowing one way. NTA

throwawaygrosso said:

NTA and he is a major gaslighter.

dieforwomen said:

NTA. He's leaving you to parent by yourself so he can continue having a social life, which leaves you isolated from the people you want to see and stuck at home. He's majorly gaslighting you by lying to you about forgetting dates, etc. These two things alone are huge red flags but the fact that he goes out so often for such short periods of time would also raise concerns for me.

And LiluLay said:

NTA. Pretty convenient he has to “go away” every time you have plans. Seems like he doesn’t want to be responsible for caring for your daughter alone and decides to tell you he “made plans."

Buy a white board calendar and tell him to mark the weekends for his “trips” at least a week in advance. If he can’t do that y’all need to hash this out with clear expectations and consequences, whatever they may be.

**Update**

Thank you to everyone who commented. So I had a word with him about the family calender and people's suggestions about if it's not on the calendar it doesn't exist. Making sure my time away was on there. He seemed to go along with it and said he would reschedule his cycle trip - great I thought!

Until it came to the morning of the trip. My bf often gets up super early and I roll over and go back to sleep so thought nothing of it when he was up early. Heard the door go but just presumed he was taking out the bins or something. When I woke up, couldn't find him and the car had gone.

Tried to phone him - no answer. Some of his stuff had gone. Asked my neighbor to check his garage for my bfs bike (where he keeps it). It had gone. Confused and quietly seething at this point try his phone a couple more times. Nothing. Phone my friend at this point saying I can find him and will probably miss my train.

About midday I get a phone call. He had gone on his trip. Tells my to check the calendar. He has tipexed out my writing and written in his trip. I say a few choice words to him. He basically says it's my fault as I should have got up earlier.

So I told him that he won and he is now free to go on as many cycle trips as he wants now. Friend suggested taking the kids to the seaside (her son is a similar age). We spent the next day at the beach and had a nice time. Told BF not to come back. He says I'm over reacting but I am done.

**Second Update**

He came back on Sunday. Unfortunately can't change locks due to renting. Came back like nothing had really happened. I calmly asked him to leave as our daughter was about. He said he wasn't going anywhere and he will watch her next week so I could go away.

I said I couldn't believe he has completely missed the point of what he had done. Called my brother and asked him to pick us up. We have been staying there until I can sort out the practical parts of the split. Ex has called non stop and turned up at my brother's house where brother turned him away. He has finally apologized. I said I am still done, I just don't have the energy or the will anymore.