'AITA for going LC with my mom after what she said to my BF at my brother's wedding?'

"AITA for going LC with my mom after what she said to my BF at my brother's wedding?"

I (22f) was in my brother's (24m) wedding as a bridesmaid, it was a beautiful day, couldn’t have asked for better weather or vibes. The bridal suite was popping with music and mimosas as all of us are getting ready and it was truly just a great time with everyone.

There’s not much to say about the situation until near the end of the day. As we were getting ready to start cleaning up to leave, my boyfriend (24m) told me he was going to go change to get out of his suit to be more comfortable to help clean. I said ok and went back to the dance floor with my new SIL and all the guests. It wasn’t until half an hour later when I realized that my boyfriend was missing.

I went to check the bathrooms and the groom's suite but couldn’t find him until I saw him standing outside with my mom, looking very uncomfortable. I understood the way he was looking at me with his please come save me eyes and went straight over there. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, they end their conversation and we move on to cleaning.

My boyfriend is a very jolly happy person, he’s the only person I know who can always find the best in everything and everyone, after the wedding and on the way home, he was very quiet, he loves weddings and I expected him to be in a good mood talking about all the fun he had with everyone and that just didn’t happen.

I asked him if everything was ok and he told me he had so much fun and was just tired and wanted to lay down. I thought nothing of it. The following days he’s been very quiet and soft spoken, which isn’t normal for him. I asked what was wrong and if something happened at the wedding and he just said “babe, I don’t think your family likes me very much."

Which is a far cry from the truth, from my knowledge, my family loves him, I was with a toxic ex for quite some time before him and everyone was over the moon when I found someone who made me happy. I tried to pry for details but he just stuck with that statement and left it at that.

On the ride home, I tried and tried to get him to talk to me until he finally did. He told me that my mom found him at the wedding and decided that that was a great time to tell him that in shorter terms, everything that he’s done for me isn’t good enough.

This coming January we’ll have been together for 2 years, which I know isn’t long, but he’s built me a home, cared for me through multiple sicknesses, held me when I break down over family drama (which I will not be elaborating on since the entirety of that situation is on my main and will out me instantly) and loved me unconditionally throughout it all.

He said she told him that I deserve children, I have never wanted children, never will, I think with the state of the world right now that bringing children into it would be selfish, I don’t want what it does to your body and I simply just don’t think I’d be a good mom.

I’d be a rocking aunt though. She said that she doesn’t like that I’m “living on your parents' land” meaning my boyfriend’s parents. The house is a loft above a garage that he turned into a 2 bedroom apartment based off my grandparents vacation home that I adore.

My boyfriend isn’t your average guy, he’s very emotional and sensitive, he takes things to heart but doesn’t have a problem speaking up about said issues. He defended himself to my mom, saying that I’m the one who doesn’t want children, but he agrees with my points and either way, we’re 22 and 24, we don’t need or want to be thinking about children right now.

My mom was under the impression that we’d be living in this “tiny apartment” forever and that he never planned on buying a house because he wanted to live where we’re at forever.

Which, is kind of true, we never plan to move from where we are, we like it here, we have lots of friends and neighbors whom we hang out with regularly and aren’t a far jump to my family or work, so if we have the opportunity to buy a house in the neighborhood, we’ll take it.

She hates that, she thinks I’m compromising by staying here and that I deserve to move freely, I’m an introvert mom, I don’t want to move, my friends are my friends and I don’t want more lol. I’m not sure why my mom thought that my brother's wedding would be the perfect time to voice all of this but it came out of left field for me, she holds on to the fact that while I was with said toxic ex for so long...

He convinced me that I did want children but in the back of my mind, I always knew I didn’t. So when the only time I ever voiced wanted children was while I was dating a bad person, she took that and ran with it. My SIL is baby crazy and they will without a doubt be trying for one within the year so I’m not sure what the yank about me, her unmarried, not even engaged youngest child, is with the kid thing.

I called my sister to ask what was up with mom and why the wedding had to be the place to do this. She told me to sleep on it and try to think of it from her shoes, she agreed that the wedding wasn’t the time or place but if she felt she needed to get it out, she was going to. Which made me think she knew about my mom’s thoughts and agreed on some terms with them.

Being at a loss, I asked my dad, to be fair, I was flaming when I did, I asked what moms problem was with him and why the wedding was the time for this and he was caught off guard saying he likes him, my mom likes him and from the impression he got from everyone else, they all like him.

He calmed me down and said that I might be over thinking it. I later got a call from my mom, who also had an attitude telling me that yes she said those things to him at the wedding but not in the stand off-ish way that my boyfriend took it.

I told her that either way, the wedding wasn’t the time or place and that my boyfriend didn’t need to be told any of those things and if she had a problem something that she could come to me instead of blaming him for my life decisions. There was more said but I think this has gone on long enough.

I have spoken to her since then but she’s a if you don’t bring it up I’ll pretend it never happened kinda girl. My boyfriend doesn’t talk to her much anymore but I believe she owes him an apology for ambushing him on a day that was supposed to be about my brother, not her time to voice her disagreement with my choices.

My mom has a history of overstepping boundaries with all of my siblings and has supposedly “grown” from them and learned her lesson, I don’t agree. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Vdavwil said:

NTA. It sounds like you handled it perfectly. I do think your Mom owes an apology. The things she said were highly judgmental, and were obviously meant to hurt your BF. It could have done serious harm to your relationship if he wasn't so understanding. That said, it seems obvious you're not going to get one.

Mom definitely deserves going in LC, and if she doesn't improve, you might have to go farther. It never pays to give into this kind of rudeness or let the person wriggle out with a half-apology. Stand firm for your BF.

hard_tyrant_dinosaur said:

NTA. I'd say your mom owes multiple apologies here. First, she absolutely owes your BF an apology for having that conversation with him at all, much less when she did Second, an apology making him think your family doesn't like him. Third, and as importantly, she owes you an apology too. An apology for the presumption of thinking that she knows what you want and need out of life better than you do.

The most that this should have been was a conversation with you. One where her side consisted of asking "Are you happy with your life?" then listening to what you have to say and respecting it.

And yes, if she can't respect that you are happy with where your life is, reducing contact with her may be the only way to deal with it. If it won't get her to respect you, it will at least limit her ability to boundary-stomp.

SuggestionSevere3298 said:

You need to go NC or she won’t get how bad she behaves, it seems all the family just puts up with her noise behavior, Just go NC and see if she even notices how bad she was.

Spacer_Spiff said:

NTA. Get married, don't invite her.

RawrBez said:

NTA - Your mom overstepped. I’d set things straight with her calmly then go low contact if that’s what you still want.

1RainbowUnicorn said:

NTA. You do need to have a conversation with your mom telling her what she did was inappropriate. Your bf isn't your keeper, and it is not up to him to make decisions for your life, so why on earth is she telling him what she wants you to do?

She needs to be told she was wrong. Then go low contact. Like does she really think she can manipulate your bf into forcing you to have kids? That is sick and twisted. She should be happy that at only 24 he has a home of his own!