'AITA for going no contact because my family wants my crazy ex to have my baby?'
"AITA for going no contact because my family wants my crazy ex to have my baby?"
This is a throwaway account my ex knows my regular account. Kind of emotional and dyslexic.
So I 32(m) am a married man. I have a happy life. Big home, three kids, and a loving husband. I am bi if that makes it less confusing. We had two surrogates.
So prior to my husband I dated my ex 31(f). Lets call her Sarah. Sarah was my first love. She was very kind to me at first and we did everything together. We went to prom,went to college, and I even proposed to her. She was my queen and I would do anything to make her happy.
A year into our proposal she moved into my apartment. This is when I saw the true Sarah. Sarah worked a manager job at a popular drugstore. So I did not think it was weird when she was home kind of late. I just assumed she was closing the store. I was wrong.
I found out from friends that Sarah was having fun with the whole neighborhood and then some. She would go to the hotels and wash up before coming home to me. I confronted her and she denied this. Weeks later I got something I thought was just a UTI and it wasn't. Antibiotics fixed it.
I asked her what was going on and she accused me of cheating while she was working. That was easily disproven because i am a nerd and play dnd with friends who proved i was with them. While I thought she was at work or with girlfriends.
This was in videos and so she had to fess up. I asked what made her want to cheat. I blamed myself and my internship for her change in behavior. I thought maybe we needed more date nights.
I forgave her and believed her when she said she was going to change. She did not and she was just more sneaky about it. I found out she was still doing it and my life went from bad to worse.
Sarah got pregnant, but the baby may have not been mine. My family told me to accept this baby and accept her. By this point our bedroom life was practically nonexistent. We had been arguing more and she always ran to my mom. Making it seem like I was in the wrong, even though she had gotten physical with me. She had no marks on her. So I don't get why my mom believed I was hurting her..
I couldn't take things any more and dumped her. She ran to my family. My family took her side and told me to man up and be a dad. I said I will man up when I can get a DNA test. One day she suddenly was not pregnant she said it was a miscarriage from me being rough with her. But one of my boys said they saw her at planned parenthood. I told this to my mom and she did not believe me.
For a while I went no contact with my mom. That was until I married my husband who is my childhood best friend. He convinced me to make up with her and my siblings. He made feel happy again. He was not messing with my head. He was loyal. And before I knew it we were starting a life together.
Recently my ex got in contact with my mom. They still talk from time to time because she is sweet to my parents. Just not to me. She asked if she can have my genetic material to have a baby. Her current husband has Azoospermia. So they can't have a kid.
Apparently we look very similar and she wants a baby that looks like her husband. My mom said I should do it so I can have more kids and makeup for the miscarriage. Which she still believes happened.
I said no. My husband said no and my kids dont want a sibling from her. They remember what she did at a family gathering. However my family is calling me an a^%$ole for not wanting Sarah to carry my baby.
I sort of feel like my mom just wants me to have a "normal" marriage. Since she has said in the past that I wouldn't need a surrogate if my partner was female. She is nice to my husband to his face but i think she regrets me marrying him. Even my extended family is telling me to do it. But my mom is the main matriarch of my family. So if she says something everyone says it.
But I just don't want this to cause problems with my family and our lives. My mom and ex are making me seem like I am being petty. I said if they keep pressuring me i will go no contact. Mom said "If you do then don't expect anyone to miss you. You let this girl go for a man. The least you can do is give us a male grandchild."
Am I in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable about this. AITA?
Edit: 1. My husband did not know the full story when he suggested we reunite. My mom and I have fought over dumb stuff all the time. My parents got divorced because my mom has toxic traits.
2. My bio dad is dead. he died during Hurricane Maria in 2017. He also never liked my ex.
3. I have alot of baggage because my mom is the main matriarch of my family. What she says is law. So going NC with her is going NC with my whole family pretty much.
4. My twin boys are biologically my husband's kids. My daughter is biologically mine. That is why she wants a male heir. She doesn't view the boys as my kids. So in her eyes she only has one grandchild.
5. I have been gaslit my entire life. People telling me I am over reacting when my mom does toxic things. So to a degree I started to believe it. So getting all this encouragement from someone outside the situation makes me feel less crazy.
Prior to this we were low contact because mom is pretty annoying to be around. Also I don't like my stepdad. Thank you everyone for your opinion. Even the negative people.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
YWBTA if you took any step to get a child into her care.
What do we think the odds are he has problems wrong with his "genetic material" and also is a jobless loser and this way she can screw OP further for child support with the help of mommy dearest?
I'd stay as far away from these dumpster fires as I could. It was a noble idea to reunite the family but who needs enemies with family like this? You need to protect yourself and your husband and kids. Your dad can donate if they need someone from your family.
My dad is dead. my mom remarried. But thanks for not making me feel crazy. I thought this too.
Hooo boy. That's a whole lot to unpack dude. NTA. Please go nc with these people. They're not true family and they don't give a damn about you. If the fruit loop continues on this narrative please seek a restraining order.
P.s I'm glad you found someone that makes you happy. But make sure he's on the same wavelength in regards to nc. They've had their chance and they've blown it.
What do we think the odds are he has problems wrong with his "genetic material" and also is a jobless loser and this way she can screw OP further for child support with the help of mommy dearest?
I'd stay as far away from these dumpster fires as I could. It was a noble idea to reunite the family but who needs enemies with family like this? You need to protect yourself and your husband and kids. Your dad can donate if they need someone from your family.
My dad is dead. my mom remarried. But thanks for not making me feel crazy. I thought this too.
NTA. At this point, it's best to just cut your losses as far as your mom is concerned. She's clearly bi-phobic. It sounds extreme to go NC with your mom but does she actually bring any joy and happiness into your life?
I'm sorry and it sucks but I think you would be better off without her around your husband and kids.
I feel this too but I does hurt still. because I wish she was more accepting. Whenever my family confronts me they make me feel like i am insensitive. Also it is hard to let her go because she is the only parent I have left. My dad died during Hurricane Maria.
Why do you keep contact with your mom? She's psychotic and she believes your crazy ex over you.
I guess because I am used to it. She has always been like that. That is why my parents got divorced.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Your children and your husband are your first priority and they don't need someone who doesn't fully accept them and someone who makes their father/husband (you) sad. You could try low contact and tell her that every time she brings up the ex the phone call/visit is over. Then you have to follow through and hang up or leave.
I gotta say, your ex seems really creepy and obsessive. I would 100% stay as far away from her as possible.
Thanks and I avoid my ex like the plague. My friends call her crazy all the time. My mom hates it but my dnd bros have been there through everything. We are going out tonight to this local Japanese market. they have a bar. We are all taking a break from work,parenting and drama. Hopefully things get better.