'AITA for going no contact with my parents after they blew up at me for getting engaged?' UPDATED

"AITA for going no contact with my parents after they blew up at me for getting engaged?"

Warning for super long post… so much has happened and there’s so much history here. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I even want to post for months now.

For some context, my father and I (F30) have always had a complicated relationship. He was the best and worst person at the same time. Him and my mom sacrificed so much for me, but it always felt like there was a price, and like their love had conditions. He 100% verbally, mentally, and financially mistreated me growing up, and depending on your definition of physical mistreatment, he checked that box too.

My mom would just leave when things got bad, because she couldn’t stop him or stand to watch so she’d take off. She also struggled with substance use for the majority of my life. So our relationship was always rocky and unstable. I never felt safe going to them, or being myself around them.

Aside from my relationship with them, my parents have known my then boyfriend (M 30), now husband, since he was eight years old, as our parents were best friends. That’s actually how we met. His parents unexpectedly passed away, and he’s endured a lot since then. My parents have tried in their own way to step up and be there for him, while unfortunately keeping their own interest in mind.

He is also their business partner, 25% owner of their business, and has invested a large sum of money. He got their blessing to ask me to be his wife almost two years prior to proposing to me, and they already called him their son in law. We’ve been together for 8 years, friends for even longer, and they have always loved him.

Here’s where we start… this spring my husband expressed interest in wanting to go on a trip together since we were about to have a baby and it would be the last trip we could take with friends for a while. We’ve gone on trips with friends probably every other year for a long weekend or few days to a nearby state, so this wasn’t totally out of the ordinary.

Long story short this was our proposal/engagement trip. He invited my cousins, my brother (brother couldn’t make it), his sisters, and some of our closest friends. Everyone on the trip knew he planned to propose except for me. He did not invite my parents or tell them of this plan. My parents have never come on a trip like this with us, and I 100% would have known something was up if they did.

After the proposal, we spent the rest of the day celebrating with our friends, and went home the next day. In the car ride home we called my mom to tell her the news, she responded by saying “cool,” then went on to complain about employees at the business for the next thirty minutes.

I hopped off the phone and told her I’d call back when we were closer to home because I was going to get some sand from the beach where he’d proposed.

I then took a nap in the car on the way home, but apparently she was devastated that she wasn’t invited or told about the proposal, and vented to my dad and anyone who would listen about how we were selfish for doing this without them and she was heartbroken and blind sighted. I know this because when I woke up from my nap, I had like 25 text messages from my dad. (Attached)

To break it down, he told us to never talk to them again, and effectively “kicked” my husband out of their business. He has not been back since, but has invested so much, that he now feels he’ll never get back.

My father is not someone you can reason with, and he literally assaulted an employee the week before this happened. We have a video. So it’s not like my husband can walk into the business that he also owns without it being an issue. Because of these texts from my father, I have gone 100% no contact with both of my parents.

My parents have gone full nuclear since I’ve gone NC. They’ve threatened my husband, they’ve come to both of our works, contacted our friends and told them we talked sh!t about them, told people my husband manipulated me into being isolated from my family, and even come to my house while I was home alone where they had to walk though the bushes to get to my door since the gate was locked.

They’ve reached out to other family members to pass messages to me, emailed me, and used other people’s phones/ fake numbers to contact me; to the point where I had to change my phone number.

Being pregnant at the time, now a new mom, I just need space from the toxicity and manipulation. They say I’m using my baby as a “weapon,” when really, I just refuse to let them treat my son how they’ve treated me my whole life, and are now treating his father.

Apart from banning my husband from the business, they’ve financially mistreated us in other ways. They were storing some of my husband’s families cars, since they had the property to do so. When my mom showed up at my work I refused to talk with her because I thought my father was in the car, and was terrified of him hurting me, especially because I was pregnant.

She left a note on my car, saying we had 72 hours to get the vehicles from their property before they were towed. Four classic collector vehicles in total. My husband texted my father letting him know he’d be there to get the cars the next day, and my father told him he wasn’t welcome at the property, and if he showed up there’d be problems.

My husband then went to the court the following day, in an attempt to get a police escort to get the cars. While at the courts he received videos from my dad of the cars being loaded onto a flatbed, and towed to impound. He gloated that it would take us days/weeks to find out which impound yard they’d be at, and in turn cost 100s/1000s of dollars to get them out.

My husband showed the court officer the video, and he thought he recognized the tow truck company. He asked my husband if he could call my dad to verify the tow company. My husband told him he didn’t feel like that was a great idea but he could try. When the officer got off the phone with my dad he said “well he’s a real peach” and informed my husband that my father refused to give any information.

Well apparently this made us “snitches” and infuriated them beyond belief and they started harassing my husband and I with texts (they didn’t know I changed my number so they were messaging my old number in a group chat). They called a bunch of people, telling them we were snitches and that we tried to get them arrested.

Luckily the officer was correct in that he recognized the tow company, and we were able to get two of the cars before they went to impound. One we had to pay to get out, and one my father held onto. The one he liked the most, even telling the tow truck driver he couldn’t wait to drive it in the summer.

They eventually sent the fourth car to impound, this time without the video, and luckily the tow company called us a few days after it’d been at the impound lot to let us know. We had to pay to get that out as well. When we got it, it had a dead rat inside, ya know, because we’re snitches. Not to mention none of these cars had their keys.

We have not engaged in conversations with them at all apart from my husband texting my dad in an attempt to get the cars. We have not responded at all to any other attempts to contact us.

My family did ask me to make a video saying I am okay and choosing not to talk to them, because my parents are telling everyone I’m being hurt by my husband and being forced not to speak to them. I made and sent the video to a relative who then sent it to my parents, and things died down for a while after that.

I gave birth to my son a few months ago, their first grandchild, and things ramped up again. They have been reaching out to people, trying to get me to make amends with them and talk to them, trying to get people to send them pictures of my son, saying my husband is sending them things in the mail.

Like that he sent my dad a shirt that says “certified narcissist,” which he 100% didn’t. My father used this as an opportunity to email me to mock the video I made, say I deserved an academy award, and that him and our family have been laughing about it.

I currently have family trying to guilt me into “at least talking to my mom,” saying they hope my motherly instincts kick in and I realize how much my baby needs his grandparents. Saying family members who have passed on would be upset that this is happening and I need to find it in my heart to forgive my mom because she “did everything for me and is so hurt and depressed by this.”

My mom continues to email me, I haven’t responded. She and her friend (who called me a stupid selfish b-word, and said I wasn’t actually mistreated when I was a kid) have been sending items to our house in the mail for our son. Tbh I’m tired of hearing I should reach out and let my mom back into my life.

IMO she enables my father’s terrible behavior and is just as bad as him, playing a victim and manipulating people into being upset with me. I have receipts for everything, but I still question myself and my decision at times. So all that being said, AITA?

TLDR: AITAH for getting engaged and not inviting my parents to the proposal, then going no contact after they went nuclear?

This is what people had to say to OP:

thatweirdthingwhat said:

Try and force a payout of the business so you're completely separated from them. They're not mentally well NTA.

snails-entrails said:

Um, oh my god. NTA but i feel like you’re UNDER reacting. You and husband need restraining orders like yesterday. And then filing in court to pull from the business legally- buy out or wtf ever it takes.

These people are unhinged and it would not shock me if they did something to physically harm you, hubby, or baby. Please, if for nothing else, get a protection order to protect your baby. You have more than enough proof. This is serious, OP. Again, you are UNDERREACTING. Please.

One-Advertising-2780 said:

My parents would be dead to me if they spoke to me like this or pulled this sh!t.

nicholsonsgirl said:

I’d sell the house and move. Don’t tell them where. Stay no contact and have your husband talk to a lawyer about a dissolution of the business or forcing your father to buy him out. I work in estate/business planning law and depending on your local laws it should have a similar process. Make sure you look up a good business attorney.

Four months later, OP shared this update:

For some background I (f30) am no contact w my dad for a plethora of reasons, including how badly he mistreated me and his inability to own up to anything he’s done, consistently manipulating everyone around him either through fear or with money/gifts/employment.

You can check my post history if you want to know what was the last straw before I went NC. I’ve been no contact w him since April, very low contact w my mother who is 100% an enabler, potentially narc as well. I only opened contact back with my mom when her sister OD, and I was getting a lot of pushback from family to talk with her again.

We sat down, I aired out how I’d felt, (w her enabling my dad, calling and playing victim to our family to get them to call me, her trespassing at my home, to calling in welfare checks at my home and work) she said she was hurt I didn’t call her right after I got engaged or after I had my baby (we were NC when I had my son), that she thought we were closer than that.

She gave an apology that felt genuine and we moved on. I figured I’d give her a chance bc she seemed remorseful and like she missed me, I missed her too. More than I’d even realized. She brought clothes and diapers for my baby, and I had asked her not to buy/send me or my son any gifts going forward, because her money is my dad’s money and I don’t want/need anything from them.

Especially since he would hold it over my head in the future. She’s crossed this boundary twice, but hasn’t since I last confronted her about it. She says she got me things but won’t send them, in hopes I “come around” and she can give them to me one day.

Well the other day she texted me about my dad sending me a gift. And that he told her to tell me that no matter what I’ll “always be his little girl” Really pissed me off. Because she knew I didn’t want anything gifts. ESP not from him. So I’ve been even lower contact.

Today she sends me this message saying she’s gonna “take a step back” because she’s been making all the effort to have a relationship with me and she thinks I’m using a relationship with her to keep the peace with my dad.

I won’t lie, there’s some truth to that, between him and their flying monkeys it’s easier to just talk with her occasionally, but I also do miss my mom. She added that I need to remember “tomorrow isn’t promised."

Even though I hold a lot of resentment over what happened/continues to happen I constantly feel conflicted. I know I don’t want her or my dad in my son’s life ever, bc he deserves better than that.

What are your opinions here, and how do I transition back to no contact from low contact without feeling immense guilt? Last time I just ghosted and I feel like that maybe contributed to them telling everyone I was being forced to isolate and mistreated/manipulated by my husband. I’m just at a loss here.