'AITA for cutting contact with my parents because they support my BIL's affair?'
"AITA For Going No Contact with my Parents because they support my BIL's affair?"
My sister died 2 years ago from an aggressive breast cancer, she was only 38. We'll call her Amy in this post. Amy left behind a husband, we'll call him Bob, and 2 sons who are now 13 and 10. We were very close, and even though we live in different states, kept in close contact, especially in her final months.
Bob has been very successful in his business. He's had a long term employee that he knew for 20+ years, (we'll call her Pam) and have worked together longer than he knew my sister Amy. Amy did not like Pam, Pam also has a husband.
She had suspicions of infidelity between Pam and Bob over the years that she talked to me about before she got sick. I never met Pam while Amy was alive, and honestly never thought Bob would be the type to cheat on Amy.
About 1 year after Amy died, my family including my parents and other sister, started hearing a lot about Pam from Bob and his sons. Bob and Pam started a new business together in their field. There were memorial events and fundraisers that Pam and Bob were organizing and Pam seemed to be the one administering all the work.
This was weird to me because Pam was never introduced to our family before Amy passed, and now she's suddenly involved in everything. Pam also struck up a close friendship with my mom. My mom didn't like Pam before Amy died, again because of Amy's suspicions over Pam.
My mom took Amy's death extremely hard. She really could never hear about any one else's grief. There's also a long history, that is hard to put into this post of my mom being a very emotionally immature and volatile parent.
My dad has always enabled this behavior and has always forced me and my sisters to "keep the peace" in any conflict with her. Amy was mom's favorite. Amy was essentially the people pleasing oldest daughter who always put mom's needs above her own, even while she was dying.
My mom has become kind of obsessive with Pam. She talks to her every day, like she used to talk with Amy every day. She even invited Pam to intimate family gatherings and overnights at her home with Bob and kids. My mom invited Pam to Easter with Bob and kids.
When I asked her if Pam's husband knew about how close they all were she just said "oh he has to travel for work and I don't want Pam to be alone on Easter, she's my friend."
Recently, Bob and Amy's oldest son, 13, walked in on Bob and Pam in bed together at their home. He's also heard them kissing and what not. She's always at their house. The son, called my mom to talk about this. Mom downplayed it, and proceeded to try and give him some version of the birds and bees talk. In classic triangulation, mom tells my younger sister about what happened. Younger sister tells me about the affair.
At this point, I'm livid. I knew at some point, Bob would move on and date agaim, but this feels like such a betrayal that its with Pam. She's still a married woman, and there's been no indication she'll get divorced and just be with Bob openly. Pam has no children, and appears to enjoy playing house with Bob and kids.
I called my parents to ask why they are condoning Bob and Pam's affair. They first tried to say "they're just friends," but when I told them I knew it was more than that, they could only say "well, we're all sinners and you shouldn't have such a hard heart." When I pushed more, they said they didn’t want to be mad at Bob because they were afraid of losing contact with his and Amy's kids.
Bob has had nothing to say to me, and didn't answer my calls. My younger sister was initially very angry with Bob, but after a couple weeks gave in to our parents pressure to "make peace" with Bob.
I have decided to go no contact with my parents. There's again a long history leading up to this, but this was the final straw for me. To be frank my parents are so concerned about kissing Bob's ass, they don't care about losing contact with me and my wife and daughter.
They've started a smear campaign making up various reasons why we're not talking in my hometown and with relatives. I don't talk about our relationship with others. They even told my father in law I'm not talking with them because I'm mad about Bob being in a relationship. Again, not what I'm mad about. I'm mad he's with Pam and they're trying to normalize it.
Sorry for the long post. I'm hoping it all made sense. I'll try to answer any clarifying questions. But, what do we think AITA for cutting contact with my parents over this?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Realistic-Lake5897 said:
I don't blame you for going no contact. These people all sound really messed up.
Still... you say you don't talk to others about what's happened. If your parents are trashing you to others, I think you have the right to answer that. I would let people know exactly why you're upset with all of them.
serioussparkles said:
You should tell Pam's husband.
OP responded:
Unfortunately its not super realistic to tell Pam's husband. I've never met the man. Despite Pam being around my family all the time, none of us have met him. I can't provide proof to him without involving my nephews, which I won't do.
Efficient-Notice-193 said:
Has any of your family ever seen Pam's husband? Also, could their marriage be an "open" marriage. Just because someone says they are married doesn't mean they are. Maybe she is in a common law marriage.
You have the right to go NC with your parents. I would recommend continued contact with your nephews, as they lost their mom. A truly messed up situation.
OP responded:
I've seen his socials. He's very much in love with his wife, at least on Facebook. Before my parents acknowledged the affair, they used her "happy marriage" as cover for how they couldn't possibly be more than friends.
I would love continued contacted with my nephews, but unfortunately, we do live some distance apart, and without being on speaking terms with their dad, I have no access to them.
isojuu said:
Shame on anyone who says YTA. Cheating is absolutely disgusting and using the death of a spouse to justify that behavior is sick.
Lucky-Lie8896 said:
NTA your family wants to please a cheater. It’s one thing to move on after a spouse has passed, it’s another to sneak around with someone while they’re alive and loosing a fight with their health. They want to keep the peace so they can see themselves out.
And Gran1998 said:
NTA. You have every right to your position. It’s affected your nephew. I’ve seen enough lives blown up by affairs to know how damaging it is. I don’t get why people who are “unhappy” don’t leave the marriage instead of sleeping around. It sounds like you have other reasons to go No Contact with your parents too. Good luck and I’m sorry about you losing your sister.
megbookworm said:
NTA, but you should spend some time thinking about your goals here. Do you want to be able to see your nephews? Do you want to be done with your parents for all your reasons, or would you make peace with them if they stopped supporting the affair?
You could probably benefit from a few therapy sessions, if you can make the time-see what your relationship is with your family of origin and what you want it to be going forward.
And OP responded:
Have done therapy mostly while my sister was sick. Unfortunately, therapy hasn't been financially viable for me lately. I've been low contact for some time with my parents, and this has been the last straw for me. I fear their true character is showing, and I don't like it.
I, of course, want a relationship with my nephews, but they're too young for me to have access without their dad. I hope they'll know I'm here for whatever they need as they get older. Right now, I'm not sure how to even discuss any of this in an age appropriate way.