'AITA for still going on a trip after my GF was uninvited?' UPDATED

"AITA for going on a trip after my GF was uninvited?"

Back in March, my best friend (BFF) started planning a trip to Costa Rica (CR) to celebrate her graduation in May. I asked BFF if my girlfriend* (GF) could come. BFF said of course. When I told GF about the trip, she was really excited. BFF & I have been BFF for 3 years.

*I should say that GF & I are ‘just dating.’ We’re basically a couple & are exclusive. But neither of us has wanted to commit to the boyfriend/GF label. I call her GF here, but technically she isn't. We’ve been together 1 year.

In mid-April, BFF told me she didn’t want GF to go on the trip anymore. I was devastated. I knew GF would not take it well. BFF cited GF’s indecisiveness & inability to go with the flow sometimes as reasons. I tried to talk BFF out of it, but it was no use. BFF also said she only wanted her closest friends on the trip.

Since it was BFF’s graduation trip, & her parents gave her some money for it, it was hard to argue with BFF. The trip was now just: me, BFF, BFF's boyfriend, and BFF's other close friend (a guy). Now I should say that BFF is moving 4 states away soon for a job, so this will be like the ‘last hurrah.'

When I told GF the bad news a few days later, GF was predictably really upset. GF asked if I was planning to go to CR without her, and I said that I wanted to. (Thankfully, me & GF hadn't bought plane tickets yet). GF was teary-eyed and I could see how hurt she was. She asked for a few days apart to cool off, and we agreed to talk again then.

Well, GF & I can hardly stand to be apart and we had lunch the next day. Things were kinda tense but she didn’t bring up the trip. A few days later, things seemed to be back to normal and I bought my tickets to CR. Then in May, right before the trip, it seemed like every little thing pissed GF off. She finally admitted:

(1) She was really hurt that I didn't stand up for her when BFF uninvited her. I told GF how much I tried to get BFF to change her mind but it didn’t matter. GF thinks I should have been willing to not go since she couldn't go.

(2) She thinks the real reason she was uninvited is that BFF has feelings for me. (BFF asked me out 2 years ago; I said no). BFF is planning to break up with her boyfriend after the trip, and BFF sometimes criticizes her boyfriend to me, and GF said this was ‘proof’ BFF still likes me, and said I chose someone petty and manipulative over her.

(3) She was mad that I bought my plane tickets without knowing she was ok with it. I wish I would have handled things better but I couldn’t do anything about it at that point.

I'm in CR now and when GF & I talk on the phone, it’s clear GF is still so angry. I am trying to be understanding of her mood, but I think she’s being unreasonable for being this mad for this long, especially since she didn’t tell me how she felt until right before I left. Also, I think it would have been unfair of GF to ask me not to go, since I will hardly get to see BFF once she moves. AITA?

What do you think? AITA for still going on the trip? This is what commenters had to say:

mikeyj198 said:

YTA. There is seemingly a lot of extra baggage with this decision and I concur with your GF’s sense about your BFF’s intentions. Your GF gave you very clear reasons why she was upset, but frankly being told she can go and then have that yanked is reason enough to be pissed. Should she have told you explicitly how she didn’t want you to go without her? Absolutely.

But get this, you KNEW she’d be pissed, you saw she was... you should have had the nuts to man up and own the situation. You should have stood up for her, you sent and are currently sending a very strong message that she is not as important as your own feelings/experiences. I hope for your sake she is waiting for you. If a GF of mine pulled that kind of a move she’d be coming back single.

PS - if you actually give a damn, most airlines will rebook a ticket for $75-100 assuming the cost of the fare is close. Getting your ass home early and saying you f’ed up would be a first step to patching things up. If you don’t give a damn that is totally up to you, but don’t pretend you don’t know what you did was an A-hole move.

OP responded:

We are mid-late to late 20's. BFF is 26, GF and I are 28. I only used 'BFF' cuz it was shorter to type and I didn't want to use any names and didn't want to keep track of fake names.

When a lot of my friends were getting jobs and moving away, BFF was still there and always up for doing something adventurous. When my last serious girlfriend and I broke up, I could talk to BFF because BFF was not in the friend group in the same way. She has played an important role in my life in the past few years.

DuskShades said:

YTA, your friend uninvited your GF for crappy reasons and you're still happy to consider them your BFF & go on holiday with them?? Nice way of showing your GF exactly where she stands in your life....

WallabyInTraining said:

ESH, except GF. The BFF is the biggest @$$hole for uninviting your GF for dubious reasons after first saying she was welcome to come. You are shitty as well, for still going even when you say you could "see how hurt she (GF) was". The GF is not the @$$hole here, she was excluded from a fun vacation with her BF without a good reason and her BF went anyway, poor girl.

[deleted] said:

YTA. So is the BFF, and the GF to a smaller degree, but your confrontation here isn't really with the BFF and your GF's only issue is bringing her issues up again too late.

1.) You have been dating and exclusive for a year. But she's not your girlfriend. Why? As you describe you "can hardly stand to be apart". WHY not commit to the relationship? Are you SURE this was a mutual decision and not yours?

2.) I said this in another comment but why ignore the problem back in April? "A few days later, things seemed to be back to normal and I bought my tickets to CR". Is it that much of an issue to just check in with your GF and talk about it again?

3.) Does BFF's boyfriend even know she's going to break up with him?

4.) Your BFF clearly still likes you and the girl you've been dating for a YEAR is allowed to have a problem with you going on vacation with her. It's really clear BFF is a priority: "I will hardly get to see BFF once she moves." If your GF is a second choice or 'backup plan' since BFF is moving away then don't lead the poor girl on.

The reasons BFF had for uninviting her sounded like issues that could clearly be talked over or worked through with GF.

OP responded:

You bring up some good questions:

1.) At first, it was my reluctance to be "in a relationship," but recently GF told me that she also didn't think she wanted to label me as her boyfriend.

2.) I was worried about the ticket prices going up and I really thought my GF was going to be OK. Plus, BFF was pressuring me to buy my tickets so we could start making plans for the hotel, car rental, etc.

3.) I don't know, but I don't think BFF would have told him before the trip. And it's more that BFF doesn't want to continue dating her boyfriend once she moves, which is right after the trip, because she doesn't want a long distance relationship with him.

4.) I really don't think she likes me anymore,she's just used to getting her way a lot. I asked BFF to talk to GF about it, but BFF was in the last part of finals and projects right before graduation, and said it would have added a lot of stress that she couldn't handle right then.

[deleted] said:

But you’re still taking the BFF’s side here. Serious question: do you really not see why your BFF was being an @$$hole?? Or why uninviting your girlfriend was an a-hole move? I would literally never do that to someone unless I deliberately wanted to hurt them.

And OP responded:

Yes it was a terrible thing for BFF to do. I know it doesn't sound like it here, but BFF felt awful when she told me she didn't want GF on the trip. She knew she messed up. I would have been more mad at BFF if she didn't sound absolutely torn when she was telling me.

But I also think that it was BFF's graduation trip and BFF's parents had given her some money for the hotel so doesn't she get to call the shots?

I told GF the day before the trip that I absolutely understood why it was so hard for her, and that I would never go on any future trips unless she was welcome. I get that this was really hard for her. But GF could have told me this two or three weeks ago and didn't and is angry every time I talk to her even though I feel really bad that she's not on the trip and can't do anything about it.