'AITA for going on vacation without my girlfriend if she can't pay her way?'
"AITA for going on vacation without my girlfriend if she can't pay her way?"
Hi all, I (39M) am dating someone (33F) and have been for the last 3 months. Things are going well until the topic of my 40th birthday came up. Next year I turn 40. And I've never taken an actual vacation. I've extended work trips to do something fun where I am. I've traveled to visit friends or family.
Always just for a long weekend (never more than 3 days total). I want to take a week and travel purely for recreational purposes. My criteria is that the trip needs to be at least a week and be international.
I've also worked hard to get my finances in shape since my 20s. And now I have a decent business and some money set aside and I feel like I'm ready for a trip and next year woukd be a great opportunity as it is a milestone birthday.
My girlfriend is great. She works hard and supports herself. But she doesn't make as much money and, most importantly, is currently saddled with around $20k in credit card debt arising from a period of unexpected unemployment she had in the past that forced her to burn through savings and live on credit cards.
When the topic of this trio came up she first asked if she could go. I said sure. She then asked if we could go to Vegas. I told her about my desire for this to be an international trip. Then she expressed concern over if she could afford it while it debt.
I told her I'd be willing to cover our lodging and, depending on where we go, help her pay for airfare. Because we haven't been dating long I don't feel comfortable paying her whole way and feel she should contribute financially to come along.
She then told me she didn't feel she could afford to cover meals + half airfare even if I went somewhere relatively cheap (I was thinking possibly carribean where trip flights are running typically under $500). So I said that I understood but I also have been wanting to do this milestone birthday thing for a while now and I still intend to go even if just by myself and would only be gone a week.
She became upset that I would travel without her and it caused a bit of a fight. My friends and family are split. On the one hand some point out how many things I wanted to do but didn't get to do because my ex refused to "let" me and so I should go forth with or without her.
On the other, some are saying it is cruel of me to be planning a vacation in front of a person who is trying to pay off large amounts of debt anyway. I can see both sides and just want to know, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
1568314 said:
3 months and she expects you to either pay for her to go on an international, week-long vacation or change your long-term, bucket-list plans to suit her? NTA You've got too much of your own life to let yourself be held back by someone you're barely invested in. She can either get over her fomo or you can find a new partner who is supportive.
Odd_Welcome7940 said:
This is purely an opinion, but I think it's ten times more understandable for things you had planned before you began dating and are still in your first year. I feel like that first year if she wants to join you for a pre-planned trip it should be 100% her responsibility to cover half.
You are already being pretty generous. As said above it's also not like you planned while she was in your life so it's not that you planned to not include her. NTA.
jrm1102 said:
NTA - my dude, you’ve only been together 3 months. Your offer was more than generous btw. If she can't afford even that, she doesn't go.
PoppiesRule said:
NTA. This is totally your call. Personally, I’d have more fun with a partner and would pay if I could. But I absolutely can’t hold it against you if you don’t want to.
Kasparian said:
NTA. It’s way too early on in the relationship for her to be inviting herself along, trying to plan the trip, and expecting you to change plans to accommodate her.
While I agree that you should not flaunt the trip in her face, you need to let her know what you’re planning and tell her if she wants to go she needs to have $X amount set aside by X date. If she doesn’t have it, she doesn’t go.
ProfessionSanity said:
NTA. You've only been dating 3 months and don't even know if you'll be together next year.
afg4294 said:
NTA, this is a 3mo relationship, cut your losses. You're both too old to be wasting time like this. She's completely valid to not want to spend money on a vacation, but she can't get upset at you for going without her. That's controlling and the need for control isn't going to be confined to just this one instance
The one thing I do take issue with is your need for her to pay something. She's clearly not able to afford it, and it seems controlling of you to want her to have "skin in the game" by paying for half a plane she can't afford with $20k in debt. If you told me you couldn't afford to pay the whole thing for her, that's fair, but wanting her to pay just for the sake of her paying is controlling on your end. End result, though, this isn't the woman for you, move on.