'AITA for going out of town for a concert while my daughter is sick?' UPDATED
"AITA for going out of town for a concert while my daughter is sick?" + UPDATE
Over 6 months ago, I bought tickets to a concert 5+ hours away from my city. The concert is tomorrow, and I planned to drive down tonight after work and after dropping my daughter off at her dad's. The ticket and my accommodations are already paid for and non refundable. I've been really excited for this trip since I found out about it.
All week my daughter (10) has been home sick. She has a dry cough, slight fever but nothing extreme, and a decreased appetite. I work from home and its slow season at work so I was able to be by her side all week to take care of her.
She's slowly getting better but still not feeling great. I updated her dad on her condition so he could keep an eye on it, but now he's saying I'm being selfish and I should skip my trip so he doesn't catch whatever she has.
We share custody. During the school year I have her during the week so I can stay on top of her schooling, homework, extra curricular activities etc... If I'm not on top of it, he can't be bothered. Her dad picks her up from school on Fridays and has her for the weekend.
I pick her back up Sunday morning just before noon to take her to horse back riding lessons and the cycle continues. The only exception is the summer which is a lot more hectic but she spends 90% of her summer with me or camping & traveling with my side of the family.
She first started getting sick last weekend while she was at her dad's, so if he was going to catch it, he would have already. He insists I should be keeping her at my house until she's feeling better. I told him I'd be dropping her off tonight after work and he called me selfish witch. AITA?
Edit to add since people are asking: The concert is Papa Roach.
Edit 2: I asked my daughter what she wants to do. Her response "I want to go play Minecraft with dad."
No, she does not witness our arguments, they're always in text. I made it a condition in our custody agreement that everything regarding our daughter is to be discussed in writing. She knows she's loved and that I would never abandon her if she truly needed me. With a mild cold where she is actively getting better, she does not NEED me specifically.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She got sick while at his house and he had no problem sending her to you and risk you getting infected. Your ex is just using this as an excuse to get out of childcare for the weekend. NTA.
āš»āš»āš» This part. And you need to tell him, OP. “She can clearly be cared without catching her illness as I have cared for her all week and I’m fine. And she was in your care last weekend when she starting getting sick. You seem to be fine as well.”
And she would have been the most contagious when she was staying with him. But he was fine with sending her back to OP, knowing that he might have already caught it and OP might catch it too. NTA - He doesn't want you to go and have a fun weekend, OP. He is being selfish, not you.
As a former family law attorney, if it's his turn to take care of her, it's his turn to take care of her. He doesn't get to take care of her just when she's feeling good. It's not "Camp Daddy". It's called actual parenting, and that is his job.
NTA. His time is HIS PARENTING TIME! What is he thinking?! That he gets to skip parenting duty so he doesn't get sick? Bahahaha!!! Oh but its fine if you get sick or miss out on a special event. Absolutely not! He doesn't get to pick and choose father times. But I would absolutely get a standby babysitter because this clown is gonna be selfish turd and probably refuse.
It sounds like he can’t be bothered with a sick child any more than he can be bothered to help with homework or activities. Have fun at your concert, you deserve it. NTA.
I would maybe have a conversation with you to your daughter on the way to her dad’s letting her know you weren’t prioritizing a concert over her, that she is very important to you, that her dad is just as capable of caring for her as you are, how unlikely it is for him to catch it from her, etc. Just in case your ex talks trash about you to her after you drop her off.
viserya127 (OP)
Thank you, that's an excellent idea. I can totally see him trying to pull some snake move like that.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Friday after work I dropped my daughter off at her dad's as planned. He answered the door with a smile and hugged our daughter. As soon as she wasn't looking, he gave me a death glare. If looks could kill, I'd be 6ft under.
Before I left, I asked him to update me on her condition in the morning so if I needed to I could reschedule her riding lesson. I was very specific that it needed to be before noon (24hrs notice) or I would be out the $$ for the missed lesson. I tried calling on Saturday morning to check in but he wouldn't pick up. Around 5pm I got a text saying reschedule the lesson.
I went to the concert and enjoyed the show (yes I wore a mask). Near the end, Jacoby started walking through the crowd, climbing up and down the seats, giving fans hugs, thrashing in the mosh pit... He came right up to me and my dumb ass was just frozen in shock (what is wrong with me?).
I picked her up Sunday morning and when I gave her the tote bag her face lit up like a Christmas tree. Context for those that didn't see my comment: when I bought my ticket I asked my daughter if she wanted to go too.
She likes songs like "come around", "born for greatness", "renegade music", "leave a light on"... Her response "I like him but not THAT much". So I asked if she wanted a t-shirt or something, she said "not a t-shirt but I'll take a tote bag".
After getting home I find out she didn't spend time at her dad's at all. Shortly after I dropped her off, he had his mom come pick her up. She only got back to her dad's about an hour before I picked her back up. She said she still had fun watching TV and playing board games but she would've preferred to play Minecraft.
She's still coughing a bit but she's got her energy and appetite back and her fever broke before I left. After dinner we spent the evening playing crib. Thank you to everyone who showed support and gave genuine constructive advice. I did not expect my post to blow up like it did.
To everyone who had fun roasting my taste in music: Thank you for the much needed laughs. If you would like to continue doing so, I will post a comment of some other artists I listened to on my long drive. I think a few people made some wild assumptions by projecting their own trauma to my situation. To those people, I hope you find peace.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why is he such a bad father? Oof. Edit: to be clear, he is actively choosing to be a horrible father, and he is using his lack of care for his daughter as a weapon against OP. I feel so bad for the child.
Wow what a total AH your ex is. Shockingly bad. The decision to wait until you were going to lose money on the riding lesson is super transparent. I have a friend who has been navigating this BS with her long-term ex, with whom she shared custody of two kids.
He seemed to live to make things harder for her, just because. Every time he had a chance to inconvenience her, mess up an established plan, etc. he jumped at it. That seems like it's the type of person your ex is.
Take solace in the fact that you live rent-free in his head, and that he is evidently such a miserable person as to pull stuff like this. It's extremely sad for your daughter, however, that he is such an absentee father and if this continues (DOCUMENT IT) you should consider revisiting the custody arrangement. Subtle but repeated rejections like this will hurt your daughter over time.
viserya127 (OP)
When he didn't pick up the phone, I planned for worst case scenario and rescheduled anyway. I have no problem letting him think he "won" his stupid battle.
So the "dad" doesn't want to risk getting sick from his daughter, but is fine risking his mom getting sick? Let's risk the health of an older woman, but not a younger man! I suppose women naturally have a better immune system around kids than men do? Yeah, he is an AH and I can see why you aren't with him.
Wait a minute. WAIT a MINUTE. So your selfish ex gave YOU a hard time about leaving your daughter (in a very safe controlled manner I might add).... and then dumped her onto his elderly mother? He is a hypocrite and an AH for sure. I can absolutely see why you are divorced. It's a pity your daughter has to see it too. Ugh!!!