'AITA for going to work for a few days to teach my husband a lesson about housework?' UPDATED

"AITA for going to work for a few days to teach my husband a lesson?"

Okay, I get the title sounds horrible. But, hear me out. I have a 12-year-old son and a 13-month-old. Before the pandemic I worked part-time, went to school part-time and took care of the house/kids when not doing the other two.

Since the pandemic I became a stay-at-home mom still going to school, taking care of the house/kids. But now with school back in session and my son doing E-learning, I also help a lot with that. I have a pretty strict schedule that I keep for myself to allow me to get household chores and the schooling for my son and myself done each day.

A one day last week, I had a migraine, nothing I did helped ease it. At some point after 3pm, after my son was out of school and baby was down for a nap, I laid on the couch to try and help the migraine. Which did help. My husband came home while I was sleeping, and was already in a crap mood and yelled at me that I didn't do anything all day except sleep, eat and get fat.

I tried to explain to him I hadn't been feeling well and napped because of that. He said that was an excuse and how would I like it if I went to work all day and he was home with the children and I came in and he was asleep on the couch. I said, I would assume you were tired or not feeling well.

Husband took a few days off work. I made arrangements with a friend to do temp work with her. I went to work for a few days, leaving him my daily schedule as a guide. The first day he called me 20 times because he couldn't handle my son's schoolwork, couldn't handle taking care of the baby, couldn't even go to the bathroom without one of them needing something.

The second day, he called me 10 times with the same complaints. Both days he was asleep on the couch because he was exhausted from trying to keep up with the kids and house work. I went to work the third day, he showed up with boy the kids and dropped them off without saying anything to me or my friend.

Luckily, my friend didn't mind. When I got home the third evening, he was asleep on the couch. I let him sleep. I mowed the grass, pulled weeds, cleaned up the house, made dinner (I tried to wake him for dinner, he refused to wake up) got the kids bathed and ready for bed before he woke up.

Husband barely did the minimum of caring for the house and kids while I worked. He said I did it to make him look like a sh*t parent. I said no, I did it to teach you a lesson, that just because you don't see me actively doing something when you come home doesn't mean I haven't done anything all day.

This all started because you refused to let me tell you I had a migraine and was just barely able to function that day. Luckily oldest knows what he needs to do for school work just sometimes needs a some help with it. Baby is up at 7 but goes down for nap at 12 for a nap. He sleeps 3-4 hours. AITA for trying to get husband to see what I do on a daily basis?

The internet did not hold back.

amitathrowa wrote:

NTA.

"Husband barely did the minimum of caring for the house and kids while I worked. He said I did it to make him look like a sh*t parent."

"No no no, I didn't do it to make you look like a shit parent I did it to show you you were being a sh#$ty person to me. But apparently I'm not done, if you still haven't learned the lesson."

traipse75 wrote:

NTA. You husband needs to learn to appreciate what you do. He's being manipulative to get out of taking responsibility as a parent, and is putting you down unnecessarily when you already have a huge load when it comes to your kids. To have the audacity to show up to your work because he doesn't want to deal with the kids anymore is a bundle of red flags on its own.

Throwawaypregnant1111 wrote:

NTA. You’re in an emotionally ab#$ive marriage. He has no right to call you fat. Also, you didn’t do it to make him look like a s#$t parent, he IS A S#$T PARENT because he COULDN’T DO IT. Get rid of him, be happy. You seem to be more than capable of doing everything yourself anyway. Enjoy the alimony and child support payments his shit face will have to pay.

lightwoodorchestra wrote:

NTA. You didn't do it to make him look like a shit parent. He's chosen to be a shit parent and husband and you forced him to at least slightly understand that. The question is, what do you do now? Because spending the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way is not the answer.

Almost a month later, OP shared an update.

About a month ago, I made a post asking if I was TA for going to work to teach my husband a lesson. Here is the original post. In the days that followed that post, I read the comments and messages from everyone here. Seriously, thank you guys, gave me a TON to think about.

I told my husband that I wanted to separate, not a divorce as I wanted to try therapy before making that decision. That I didn't feel like he appreciated what I do every single day. I also said that he needed to get into therapy if he wanted to have a chance to save our marriage. We could go together or separately. But, I already had an appointment set for myself.

The kids and I are staying with a friend who I do pay some rent too. As well as I clean up and help her in her little shop when she needs it. I have the kids the majority of the time. While he's at work the kids are with me. 3 nights a week the kids will go with him usually Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights depending on his work schedule.

We have been to 2 virtual therapy sessions with a marriage counselor, he is also seeing a counselor on his own, as am I. In the weeks since the post, I have seen a difference in how my husband speaks and acts towards me. Weather it stays is another matter. He wasn't always the angry ungrateful man that was portrayed in my previous post.

There was a time when he actually showed he appreciated the things I did and would never say hurtful things to me. I'm not sure when it all began to change and when I began to believe it was OK the things he said and how he acted. We both have a long road to get back to normal. I do hope its with him. But, I'll be OK if its not. I do love my husband and I want to go home to him.

A few mutual friends that know the full story of what's going on with husband and I, texted me to tell me they have noticed a change in his behavior as well. One pointed out that he's not drinking like he used to. But he's not wanting to go home either. According to this friend, my husband complains that its to quiet at home. That it doesn't feel like home.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

emiwii wrote:

OP, I remember your post from weeks back, and you are a better person than I would have been. While you are the wronged party, you are still acting as the bigger person as you continue to work & take the bulk of the childcare duties.

AND you didn’t displace him. With all your efforts, I’m glad to hear that he realizes that even when he is feeling the effects of the best possible scenario of a divorce, that he realizes he still isn’t happy.

It does sound like you had the raw end of the deal for a long time, and I’m sure the change in routines that covid caused didn’t make life easier for either of you. So I’m glad to hear that therapy is working and really hoping he won’t take you for granted anymore, no matter what you decide to do. OP, you’re my idol. Good luck & keep us posted!

[deleted] wrote:

You are rebuilding the boundaries this man once completely trampled on. Good for you and also good for him for attempting to change his behavior. I hope that he does come around. However, if he doesn't, please keep protecting your boundaries. As the mother of his children, you do not deserve to be disrespected--especially w/ all that you do. I wish you guys the best!

DragoniteSquad wrote:

Good for you! Hopefully this will show him to not take you and your super mom skills for granted anymore. I hope that this stays, and you can go back to a happy marriage, and that you spoke to the attorney just incase anything went south.