'AITA for being mad I got kicked out of the bridal party and found out ON THE WEDDING DAY?'

"I was 'kicked out' of the bridal party but the bride DIDN'T TELL ME until wedding day. Am I wrong for being mad?"

So here’s the story. (I am 26f, J is 25f and A is 25m) We’ve been good friends since high school. We’ll call my friend J and her husband A. She was planning her wedding originally to a man she was with for 4 years (NOT A.). I was helping her plan this wedding until realizing she was unhappy. I helped her realize she needed to leave (we’ll call him K).

So she did, stayed with me for a bit to get on her feet, and in that time, reconnected with her ex bf from high school, A. Even though I never liked A in high school, I was supportive because people can change and she seemed happy with him. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in the first wedding and then cancelled it, and a few months later is announcing her engagement to A and again, asked me to be a bridesmaid.

I said yes. She was attempting to keep costs as low as possible and bridesmaids were buying our own dresses. As we’re approaching the wedding, I was showing her the dresses I found that matched the color and style she assigned me, that’s when she tells me that she and A had a change of plans and decided NOT to have a wedding party at all.

I was super supportive of this, because it’s HER day. After telling me, and getting my support, she told the rest of the bridal party group chat. I received that message as well. Well the day of the wedding arrives and I learn that she DID have a wedding party and I was the ONLY one not included. She even changed the dresses colors (in case I showed up in mine?? Idk) and styles.

She did not seem to replace me with anyone else, based on who I knew to be in the wedding party prior. I was hurt, and couldn’t react because it was her big day and I didn’t want to cause drama. I ended up having to leave the wedding early, while the party was getting pictures taken, because my daughter (3 at the time, who was with my mom) fell and broke her arm.

My mom had both my kids and all her boyfriend’s kids and couldn’t take her to the hospital so we had to leave to pick her up and take her to be seen (but obviously I would’ve met them at the hospital if that was the case because it’s my CHILD.) She wasn’t happy we left.

I texted her to tell her because I didn’t want to interrupt pictures. She had her MOH text me (I assume she didn’t have her phone on her) and ask where we went so I explained about my daughter and she seemed understanding.

Extra context: MOH and I aren’t friends anymore. She tried to get with my husband while he and I were in a rough patch and she claimed she didn’t know he was my kids’ dad even though she TOTALLY knew. But he didn’t entertain her so I was willing to be civil for the wedding.

J knew about all this and did have concerns but we both assured her that it’s HER day and that happened so many years ago and MOH is married to someone else now, so it really wasn’t an issue for us to be around each other.

I never addressed being left out of the wedding party mostly because I don’t know how to address it? At the end of the day it’s HER choice, I just wish she had told me before I showed up to her wedding and saw the rest of the party walk her in. Anyway, every time I try to talk to her, she either ignores my messages or sends 1-2 word replies and is very short with me.

The ONLY reason I can think of that she would’ve excluded me is due to her bachelorette trip. Even though we weren’t supposed to be a real wedding party, we thought she still deserved a Bach trip. So we pulled together for an Airbnb on a beach. I paid my share and sent the girls driving so money for gas LONG before the trip date.

As the date was approaching, I’d been in and out of the hospital for over a month. I was afraid I would get sick again, while on her trip, and ruin the whole thing for everyone or end up in a hospital out of state from where I live. So I texted her apologizing profusely about it (she knew I was having health issues anyway) and explained that I was afraid of getting sick and ruining the fun for everyone.

I obviously did not want my money back, as I didn’t want to make the trip harder on anyone else. But she sent a short reply to that, and I did end up in the hospital while they were gone, but she never checked in on me (which at the time I didn’t think much about bc she was on her trip). But after that I think is when things went downhill.

AITAH for missing her Bach trip? Did I deserve to be kicked from the wedding without even being told? Remember the Bach trip came AFTER she said she didn’t want a wedding party so I’m not sure when she changed her mind and decided to have one but I assume it was around the time of the trip. I can’t know that for sure though.

I just feel like I lost a good friend and have no idea what to do about it? She’s been married almost a year and we still don’t talk at all. But I saw her in person at the hair salon a few months ago and she sits to talk to me like nothing happened?? But won’t respond to my texts or snapchats. I’m so confused.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

jennypurplethefirst said:

She’s a headf*ck plain and simple! Stop trying to be friends because she’s not interested and you’re wasting your time. Who knows why she’s turned like this, your reasons for ducking out of things were perfectly valid, some people are just ars3holes and there’s nothing you can do about it unfortunately x

OP responded:

I definitely just need to understand this. It’s the lack of understanding why or what I did wrong that gets me the most. But I’m realizing that I didn’t have to be wrong for this to happen, it just did. And I’m accepting that wasn’t on me.

FinePossession1085 said:

I would find a new group of friends. J knows how to take resources, but she doesn't know how to be a good, honest friend. That her MOH is the kind of person who intentionally targets people in a relationship is gross. Who our friends are says something about us. You didn't lose a good friend. You lost a crappy, fake friend.

OP responded:

It honestly always hurt that she stayed friends with the MOH after that happened, but I tried to convince myself that I was expecting too much since she wasn’t directly involved. Though I agree, who we keep as friends says A LOT about us.

dncrmom said:

It was good you left. Why would you want to stay after the way she treated you? Why are you still trying with this friendship. She isn’t your friend.

Ok_Algae_7232 said:

I can’t believe u r actually questioning that its ur fault or u still think she is ur friend. You should’ve left the sec u saw that she removed u from being a bridesmaid and didn’t even have the decency to inform u or even send someone else to inform u. She just embarrassed u and shocked u like that and u were ok with it?! After everything u did for her. Holysh!t OP plz get new friends and get some self respect.

OP responded:

You’re so right 😭 I truly am annoyed with myself for my lack of reaction. My husband was piiiiiiiisssssedddd and wanted to leave immediately. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt but I think I was just wrong on this one.

I got diagnosed as “level 1 autistic” as an adult. I think that’s a huge part of why I misunderstood the situation. And due to my people pleasing upbringing, I tend to shift blame to myself to avoid conflict. It’s a work in progress

KiKiBeeKi said:

You did NOT lose a "good friend", you are leaving an outgrown friendship. Some friendships are for a season.

And OP responded:

Honestly you’re right. I felt a weird twinge as I typed the words “good friend” But I guess just because we WERE good friends doesn’t mean we need to stay that way. It just sucks I guess because I was the first of my friends to have kids, I got pregnant at 18. So we lost touch a bit because I was pregnant and in college, she was still in high school as a senior so we were thrown into different stages of life, well i was.

We got back into touch because her ex, K, was good friends with my husband, again they lost touch after HS and reconnected and then we realized that we could all be friends. It was a nice few months of double dates and group hangouts, until I noticed how controlling and mean he was to her.

That ultimately ended his friendship with my husband too, because my husband tried to talk to him about the behavior and he wouldn’t listen. When J left him, he blamed us.

But when J got with A, she started connecting with HIS friends and that’s when we really started to drift again. Sometimes I wonder if she was ever a good friend to me, or if I was only one to her.