'Grampa is 'punishing' my dad. I could stop it, but don't know if I actually want to.' UPDATED

Finding out the truth about family dynamics can be one of the strangest side effects of

"Grampa is 'punishing' my dad. I have the power to stop it, but don't know if I actually want to."

I (f21) lost my mom when I was 14. Dad remarried when I was 17. My stepmom has a daughter (f15), she and dad had a boy(m3), and now she just gave birth to a little girl. Anyway, I have worked since I was 16, to have so money to buy stuff for me. When I turned 18, dad said I was now an adult and should start paying rent. It was "only" 500 dollars.

A symbolic amount since he would still cover food and other essentials. I was mad and we fought, but in the end I accepted and that was the arrangement until 7 months ago. Dad came to me saying I had 2 months to move out, stepmom was pregnant and they would need my room for the baby. Which is insane because they both have private offices.

My stepmom doesn't even need one since she's a SAHM since the birth of my baby brother. Nonetheless they told me I had to move. BTW, just an addendum: Me and Stepmom get well fine. We don't fight or bicker. I don't think this was a evil stepmom moment, but who knows? Me and stepsister are actually pretty close, I help her with homework, and talk about her personal problems, I do love her very much.

Back to the story, I didn't know what to do. I'm going to a college, (I want to be a civil engineer), and work part time. I don't have the means to live by myself. I called my aunt, asking if I could move in with her for the time being, until I figured something out, offered to pay rent and all.

She was aghast at what dad was doing, she said I absolutely could live with her, no rend needed, but also said she was gonna deal with my dad. The next day Grampa came to our house, and they talked privately, I could hear my dad angry voice, but couldn't understand anything being said. After a while Grampa came to my room and said I had three choices.

The first was continue living with dad and stepmom like I was doing, nothing would change except without paying rent. The second was moving in with him and gramma, or my aunt. Third was find a place of my own and he would pay the rend and costs for me. He said I didn't need to choose now, I could keep living with dad and if I changed my mind to just tell him.

I was actually relived I could still live with dad, and that this madness was over. But the following days and weeks, dad and stepmom were very hostile towards me, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable being in my own home. Even Cassie pick this up and asked me why they were angry at me.

So I decided to move out and told grampa. He said he would take care of everything...a few weeks later he moved me in into ones of his rental units. The apartment is lovely, he bought me a fridge, stove, and other essential items, he gave me a check for 15000 saying this money is to help me start living on my own.

And that as long as I am working or studying, I can live there rent free, for as long as I want. My dad and I have been pretty low contact since I moved out. He never came to visit me, or I visit them. I miss them a lot, specially my step sister, but am still hurt. Two weeks ago, my stepmom gave birth, I visited them in the hospital. It was a little awkward, but nice seeing them and my baby sister.

Anyway, few days ago dad calls me, saying he misses me, the children misses me, and I should move back home. He apologized for asking me to move out, etc etc etc. And I told him I would think about it.

Yesterday I visited my aunt, and was telling her what my dad said, and my cousin laughed a little and said "I'm sure he does...". I asked what he meant, and that's when they told me a lot of, until now, unknown information. Basically, my dad's home, is actually my grampa's. (As is my aunt's). Basically the deal he made with me, he did with all his kids and some grandkids as well.

He never wanted any of his family to have to worry about basic stuff like house, and food, etc. When I called my aunt that time, she called grampa, which was furious with dad, not only for kicking me out, but also for charging me rent. That day he went to my dad's and tore him a new one, and threatened to have him evicted.

But now the "petty" part, you know that 15k grampa gave me? It's actually what I paid dad in rent all that time. And now he's making dad pay him back. Also... he's charging dad 1200 dollars for the rent loss in apartment I'm living in. Call me dumb, or naïve, but until now, I never realized my dad didn't make that much money.

We lived in a great house, always went on vacations, and lived very comfortable lives, but I guess grampa has always been helping behind the scenes. Now my cousin thinks dad is struggling, with three kids at home, a single income, and having to pay it back to grampa. So he says Dad wants me back, because he imagines grampa will stop "punishing" him if I'm back living with them.

Honestly...I don't know what to do. I'm actually loving living on my own these past 6 months. But I do really miss them, I miss my siblings. I miss the life we had before all of this, but I don't know if moving back home is the right answer, and also...I'm hurt the reason he wants me back is money. Honestly...I just wanted to vent.

Commenters did not hold back.

landofpuffs wrote:

Stay right where you are. You can miss them and love them from afar. Go be with your grandfather and your aunts family. They seem like the real family. Also, try to go see a therapist.

notthelizardgenitals wrote:

I'm so very sorry that your father has hurt you so much. He doesn't want you though, he wants money. And knowing this is always going to hurt you and chip away at your self-worth.

I know it hurts, but going back is not healthy for you. You deserve people in your life who love you unconditionally and want to spend time with you because it's you and without ulterior motives. How about starting new traditions with your aunt and grandparents? They love you and want you around. I wish you all the best.

OP responded:

"He doesn't want you though, he wants money. And knowing this is always going to hurt you and chip away at your self-worth."

This is the weird part. Because I know this... But also, it's difficult see my dad that way. These past 6 months I wondered why kick me out. If I had done something. Now I'm thinking, was it all about money?

"How about starting new traditions with your aunt and grandparents? They love you and want you around."

Yeah... they've been great. I visit them whenever possible. Gramma isn't in the bests of health but she even came to visit me on my Birthday. I'm very lucky to have them and their support. And thanks for the kind words.

Aggravating_Secret_7 wrote:

Nope, you stay right where you are.

Listen to me, any man that would treat his kids like that ain't worth the powder it would take to blow him up. I said what I said.

I don't hold a high opinion of your stepmother either, but that's neither here nor there. I know this hurt you. My Dad and I weren't on speaking terms when he died. I spent years trying to have a decent relationship with him, before giving up on it. I've been in your shoes. But he wants you back for the money. Not because he misses you. You'll be just as miserable as you were before.

Right now you have to protect you well being, including your mental health. I'm old enough to your Mama, so let me give me you the advice I'd give my babies. Stay put and go to school. You have extended family who are more than willing to support you, lean on them. In school, you'll meet friends who will become like family, and you'll grow yourself a good support system there too.

This mess with your father won't ever stop hurting, but don't let it dominate your life. Your school should have some resources for counseling right there on campus, start with them, you need someone to talk to about this. I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mama. Also, drink your water and put on some sunscreen before you go outside, it's getting hot. That part goes for all y'all.

OP responded:

OMG, you gonna make me cry.

Thank you so much.

sgtmattie wrote:

Think of it this way, your father is living in a huge house for the price of a small apartment. He’s still getting an amazing deal, just not as amazing as it was before. Everyone struggles when their budget is reduced, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t still be living a very comfortable and subsidized life.

Also, I have a feeling your grandfather would but unconvinced to change the rent your father is paying even if you were to move back. He is charging your father to make a point, not to actually cover your expenses. Enjoy your new apartment and independence. Your father will have to just learn to adapt to a slightly simpler lifestyle.

OP responded:

"Also, I have a feeling your grandfather would be unconvinced to change the rent your father is paying even if you were to move back. He is charging your father to make a point, not to actually cover your expenses."

It makes sense. I've been reading what people say and I'm more comfortable with staying where I am. Less guilty. But maybe I should talk with grampa about it, to hear his side. I now realize I've been too sheltered from information I think I need.

Tall_Wall7580 wrote:

Don’t move back home- that is not the answer to “we miss you”. The answer to “we miss you” is to schedule regular plans with them (while still living in your own place). Have family dinner night.

Bring your stepsister to your place for Girls’ Night sleepovers. Offer to babysit the babies on night so dad and stepmom can go out. You don’t have to move home for them to still be your family! Btw- your Grampa ROCKS!!💗

OP responded:

Those are great suggestions. Thank you. I'll tell dad I won't be moving back, but I'll suggest ways to reconnect. I would love to have sleepovers with my siblings, I'll put that as the main one. People are being so helpful, and I'm realizing I can have a relationship with them on my own terms. I feel kind dumb, because it's obvious. Thank you again.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I wanted to give you guys an update, since you've all been so helpful and kind to me. I was so overwhelmed by the support you gave me. Thanks 1000 times.

Before, just answering some questions people had. My aunt and grampa are from my father side of the family. My mom side unfortunately I don't have much contact. My grandparents have passed away before mom, I have uncles and aunts, I see once in a while, but they don't live close. I also have 2 other uncles from my father side, I'm close to them, but not as near my aunt.

She was my rock when mom died. I consider her a second mom. My stepmom knew about the rent I was paying, it was implied step sister would need to do the same when she turned 18. But I don't know if she knew dad didn't own the house, or the extend of how much grampa has financially helped dad.

To the update:

Monday, the day after my post, I called dad and said I decided to not move back. I didn't mentioned anything I was told, just that was well settled here, and moving back seamed like a step back.

But I also said I wanted to keep in contact with them. They could invite me for dinner whenever they wanted, and I also said I would love for my step sister and brother, to be able to spend time with me here at home.

He was disappointed, and I didn't feel any angriness in his tone at least. But he basically said a "We'll see" and left at that. I was also disappointed. But then Friday he called me, asked me if I wanted to have launch Sunday (today), I said I already had plans with grampa and gramma, he asked when I would be free.

So we schedule a dinner for Thursday. I haven't told any of this to my step sister, we talk and text regularly. She also haven't heard they talking about me. But she did say her gramma (her mom's mom) is there to help with the baby and is being incredibly annoying.

I laughed at that. I wanted to offer her to sleepover here, but didn't want to get her excited just for dad to say no, so I'll try talk with them Thursday. The big update is I've just came back from visiting grampa and gramma. We spend a lovely day together. But I also said I wanted to know everything that was going on.

I wasn't a kid anymore and I felt like living in lies. The most important things were things my cousin and aunt told me last week. But there were a few more. Grampa had been subsidizing quite often our basic needs, like school, healthcare, etc...because Dad haven't one cent saved up according to grampa.

Also my college fund was mainly contributed by him (and mom before her passing). I guess that makes sense. I was also dumb to not realize this sooner. He also have set up funds for my baby siblings...and also one for my step sister. Because he didn't want her to feel excluded and not have the same opportunities as her siblings.

This man is incredible. I love him so so much. (And yes... I'm very very lucky. I've seen so many people commenting this, not in a derogatory way, but being very supportive and nice. I know I'm very privileged to have grandparents and family members who can afford and are willing to help me. I hope one day I can help others the way they are helping me)

Anyways... I also expressed worries about dad financial situation... and he assured me dad is fine, more than fine. He will have to be less frivolous with money for a while, but that he would never let any of his kids or grandkids to suffer, or be in the need for anything. As many of you said he's trying to teach Dad a lesson "I should've taught him a long time ago."

So I'll stay out of it. I don't think I'll tell Dad that I know all of this. I know many of you said to confront him, but I think it's for the best if he continuous thinking I'm oblivious. Lastly, we talked about why dad kick me out. He didn't have an answer either, I could see he and gramma were very hurt by what dad did. He said he asked for an explanation but got none.

That's it for now. I'll continue trying have a relationship with my siblings outside of my dad and stepmom. I also try to schedule some weekly dinner with them... I know what you guys said about my father is mostly true. But I need to at least try have a relationship with him, if not for him, for my siblings, and for me. But don't worry, I'll won't let him hurt me anymore.

The comments kept coming in.

CTU wrote:

Your grandfather is the GOAT. I wish I could have had someone like him in my life. I still think that your dad is trying to erase his last wife/your mom from his memory as I have heard about such things all too often. Although maybe not consciously? I am not sure at this point if he is being honest. I hope things go well for you.

Crftygirl wrote:

OP.

You know we are going to need an update in 6 months to a year, right? My friend, we are rooting for you and your family. Except for your dad and step-mom....unless you want us to...and we will do it but it will be begrudgingly.

Accordingtowho2021 wrote:

Other than your dad, you have an amazing support system. I know it might hurt that your dad isn't one but...some people suck. You need to do what is best for you and build a great life for YOU. This is just a bump in the journey you call life.

maywellflower wrote:

" I know many of you said to confront him, but I think it's for the best if he continuous thinking I'm oblivious."

Don't bother confronting him because whatever your grandpa doing to him, is already so vindictive and brutal money-wise to your father that being oblivious of "I don't have any money to give you, dad, because I have to pay for my college expenses nor do I want to move back to you after what happened" which is true and best way to protect yourself plus your siblings.

Your father lied to both you and his own father. He is getting what he deserves and earned for being such money-grubbing asshole to the wrong ones.

More-Jacket9034 wrote:

Fantastic update! So glad you are putting the precious gift your grandpa gave you to good use. That stepping stone to independence will serve you well. You sound like a very smart young lady. Staying out of whatever transpires between your dad and grandpa is a wise decision. Give your grandpa extra hugs and kisses every chance you get. He definitely deserves it!