'AITA for getting a grandma banned from picking up her grandchild at daycare?' UPDATED

"AITA for insisting a grandmother be banned from picking up her grandchild?"

I leave the gender of the child undecided for privacy reasons. I (F/33) work at a daycare. I've worked here for a long time and work with 3 to 4-year-old age group. Recently we had a new kid (3) at our daycare center.

The parents decided the kid needed some more social skills before going to school, so the kid never went to daycare before. The kid is a joy to work with. Parents are happy since the kid is making friends and enjoys coming here. No problems here.

The grandmother (GM) is another issue. She picks up the kid 2 out of 3 days. She has complained about many issues in the range of 'some sand on the pants'. GM complains very condescendingly. She calls us belittling names, berates us, accuses us of child endangerment, and raises her voice on some occasions.

This obviously is very disruptive to the group of kids and other parents picking up their kids. Crying, upset kids is pretty normal. Which is then our fault according to her. Management has talked to her about this a few times. Parents also talked to her about it. To no avail. She apologizes but continues.

A couple of weeks ago GM made my intern (f/19) cry. I was coming back from the changing room and told her that she knew this behavior was unacceptable and she should be ashamed for making a young woman cry as well as many kids. I asked her to just leave with her grandchild which she did.

My intern was so upset I send her home early and she took the next day off. She was debating graduating or working in this field. The next day I went to my manager. I was told me that they were already informed by another parent who witnessed the event, another coworker, and the GM. The GM made an official complaint against me because I had yelled at her.

My manager had already shredded the complaint. My manager talked with the parents of the kid and my coworkers and wanted to give 'another' warning, but I insisted on a ban and refused to work otherwise. The ban was granted.

The parents now pick up the child. They work in fields that make late hours which is why the grandmother picked up and babysat the kid. They have to leave work early to pick up the kid before closing time. Yesterday the dad apparently said to my coworker that it was very inconvenient and he can't keep doing this. He might lose his job.

Which is starting to make me feel like an @$$hole for insisting on the ban. Parents are lovely people who didn't deserve this. So was I wrong and should I let the ban be lifted as manager is hinting at?

TL;DR : I insisted a grandmother was banned from picking up her grandchild from daycare because she made my intern cry. Parents however have no other way to pick up the kid and had to adjust their work hours.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

bearded_weasel said:

NTA. GM is. It's her attitude that is the problem. Probably because the she is not minding the kid because she doesn't believe in childcare and she would do a "better" job.

OP responded:

We are working (or were more likely) under the assumption she felt disrespected not to be able to care for the child anymore and having the child put on daycare. That this is her way to prove she can take better care of the kid.

jellypuke said:

NTA you and your co-workers should not have to put up with abuse just to make things convenient with the parents. If it is such a pain for the parents they should tell the grandma to keep her mouth shut and come to some kind of civil agreement between your place and them but the onus should not be on you to lift the ban

And hapaxlegomenon2 said:

As a former childcare worker, NTA. The grandmother should not be allowed to harass the intern or anyone else. You have demonstrated to those impressionable preschoolers that not even adults are allowed to treat people badly. And thank you for looking after your intern.

If the parents come to management and explain that the ban is causing them a lot of trouble, you maaaaaaaay consider lifting it if grandmother agrees in writing to behave in a certain way(with explicit rules such as "no raising your voice" and more general rules such as "treat all adults and children with respect").

Basically she needs to agree to the social rules you're teaching the kids. Kids get second chances when they've demonstrated that they have learned their lesson, and if grandmother can demonstrate that she's learned her lesson, she could get a second chance too. But that agreement should be enforced with a lifetime ban should she break any rule once.

She later shared this update in response to the comments:

Lots of people suggesting sabotage from GM to babysit herself again. This is also the assumption that me and my coworkers made. This has been discussed with parents with 'meh' results.

They agree that the 'issues' she has are BS and don't make this behaviour acceptable. The parents have also admitted that GM didn't agree with sending the kid to daycare. They didn't (want) to believe she would stoop so far though. Perhaps now they will.

Multiple conversations have been had about the behaviour where banning (permanent and temporary) have been mentioned as things that might happen. After which we often got an apology. After so many conversations though I think the GM didn't think it would actually happen. It probably wouldn't if I hadn't dug my heels in.

Alternatives where the GM would stay outside and the child would be brought to her haven't worked in the past. We had to do that for a while due to the pandemic and she would just yell and scream outside at you or call. This would be easier to deal with (since you can hang up and just walk away) but honestly: I'm done with her BS.

Then she shared this update on the situation:

After a good talk with me and my coworkers, my manager and the parents it is decided that the ban is going to stand. GM isn't allowed to contact us, pick up the kid outside or whatever.

GM seems contrite, but that was the case in the past (when a ban was threatened with) so I made sure to mention I don't believe GM her apologies, since she has made them countless times in the past. Parents seemed a little miffed at that statement, but understanding.

I suggested what a few others here suggested as well, for them to ask a neighbor with kids at our daycare to pick up the kid and drop it off home. The GM can still take care of the kid at their place without contacting us. I'm still afraid that maybe the GM will call us (as she has done that in the past), but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.