'AITA for prioritizing my daughter's birthday over my sister's anniversary?' UPDATED
"AITA for thinking my daughter's birthday should be more important than my sister's wedding anniversary?"
My sister got married last year the day before my daughter's 3rd birthday. It was a small courthouse ceremony on a day that was special for them. It was not a problem and I'm happy for them.
The problem with this lands more on my mom. She now has Thanksgiving, her husband's birthday, my daughter's birthday, and my sister's anniversary all in the same week.
My mom usually makes an effort to take my son for a night around his birthday in June, but when I asked about her taking my daughter back in September, she said that she doesn't do that. I didn't say anything else about it since I know this time of year was busy for her.
But I noticed in October my mom took my nephew for the night on his birthday. Now it's almost the weekend of my daughter's birthday and instead of having my daughter spend the night, she's taking my niece for my sister's anniversary.
Do I have the right to be mad for my daughter? I'm a child of divorce, and my views on marriage are skewed, so am I just not seeing how important an anniversary is?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Future_Direction5174 said:
I would point out to Gran that her grand-daughter will notice that Gran doesn’t have her to sleepover when it’s her birthday, so in order to ensure that the children are treated equally she can no longer have your son (her brother) for a birthday sleepover.
At 3 years old, your daughter is possibly not old enough to appreciate that she doesn’t get a special sleepover like her brother, so it’s not yet an issue. BUT it will become one if the unequal treatment continues.
Perhaps see if an alternative Special sleepover night is possible for both of them when it isn’t tied to their birthday? But NAH otherwise. Your daughter’s birthday is at a very busy time of the year for your mother. And your daughter is still young enough not to notice.
Historical_Bunch_927 said:
NTA. I don't think you're being unreasonable, you want all the grandkids to be treated equally and you especially want to make sure both of your children were treated equally.
I think it sucks that your mother is refusing to take her granddaughter on the special sleepover everyone gets. She's busy so it would be understandable if she took her a little bit earlier or little after her birthday. But to not take her at all is unfair.
I grew up with a grandparent that played favorites, and when you're a little kid you notice and it hurts your feelings. She's only three know so there's a good chance she hasn't picked up on it yet.
So I would talk with your mom, and let her know it would be fine if she did it a few weeks early or a few weeks later but to not do it at all isn't fair to your daughter when all the other grandkids get a special day. If she refuses to treat your daughter equally then you're going to stop letting her take your son for these special days.
RFDrew11357 said:
NTA, but with so many things going on at the same time of year, how about suggesting to your mom she do your daughters 1/2 birthday? You can even make it sound like you're doing her a favor. "Hey mom I know things are crazy for you around daughter's birthday. Why don't you celebrate her half birthday in May instead?"
NemoKiel1326 said:
NTA - personally, I do think your mom is for not treating her grandkids all the same. I personally wouldn’t let her take either kid for their birthday as it’s not fair to play favorites like that. Your daughter will notice that she is the only one who doesn’t get the special sleepover.
haroldboulderdash said:
A soft YTA. I think a bit of immaturity on your part (and this sub) is causing you to take grandma's services for granted here.
Her spoiling the little ones for a day is a bonus act of love and kindness. It's something that springs from spare resources in time and energy when she has them, and if she doesn't have those resources because things are too busy, the bonus isn't always going to be available.
All your tallying of whose kid gets what and when suggests a forgetfulness of that fundamental bonus nature. After getting too used to these drop-offs, I think you're treating them like a baseline moral duty.
Grandma MUST watch every single child on their birthday, and if she doesn't shuffle her life around to accommodate them, if she doesn't optimise the prioritisation of whose child gets babysat, then she has committed a wrong worth being angry over.
This is ridiculous. Try to mirror back some of the love for your mother that she gives to you and your kids. Accommodate around her schedule, and if you can't, just let the bonus this year go. In the future, having learned the fact this part of her calendar is becoming crowded, book in before your siblings do.
UPDATE:
After getting to talk it out and seeing the different answers, I have realized a couple of things. My issue is with obvious favoritism with my son that does need to be addressed with my mom.
She would do anything to spend time with my son but not the others. My sister is just getting her time. Blaming my sister's anniversary was just me pointing blame at someone else instead of facing the problem . I appreciate all your comments, good and bad, I needed the different views.
The positive NTA comments gave me too much credit. My mom does a lot for my kids. Some comments are asking when my mom started doing birthdays with my son and it reminded me she would spend the whole day with me and my son for his birthdays because I was a single mom and she was there when dad wasn't.
I'm still with my daughter's dad, so my daughter's 4th birthday is going to be a lot different from my son's, and I need to stop comparing them.