Groom bans 'unreliable' father's partner from wedding, 'WIBTA if I DON'T apologize?'

"AITA I had my father uninvite his partner from my wedding?"

My (25M) wedding is next April. It was planned out as a small and intimate event, only our parents, brother/sister and closest friends (around ~30 people at most). My father and my mother divorced when I was around 12. His reasons were that my mom was too controlling and her reasons were that my dad was a cheater. Don’t really know nor care which version is true.

My father (M53) and I have mainly maintained an over-the-phone relationship for the past 5 years, and I honestly don’t feel a strong relationship with him because he has been very unreliable and has done pretty hurtful things to me in the past. But I want him at my wedding anyways because he’s my father.

This long distance relationship with him has also meant that I have interacted with his partner (F50), with whom he’s been with for 5 years now, maybe a dozen times. And every time I get some alone time with my father I get to hear him rant about how he has to put up with her lazy son living with them ever since they got together, so at different times I’ve gotten the sense he’s about to break it off.

So I felt she had no business being at my wedding. I told him about the wedding last November, saying that it was a going to be a small and intimate event and to please not tell anyone else about it. He took this to mean that he was allowed to make an exception for his partner and assumed she was invited.

About two weeks ago, my dad confirmed attendance at my wedding with his partner. I was taken aback and called him to clarify that the invitation was just for him, and I really didn’t want his partner there since I only want people there who are special to me.

We had a big fight over me not accepting his partner, and in the end my father agreed to come by himself. But, since he had already invited her, he had to uninvite her and they apparently got into this huge argument themselves over the same topic of me being an ahole and not accepting her as his partner.

Now my father wants me to apologize to her for all of this so that we can all have some sort of relationship and so that he won’t have to future family events by himself.

I have apologized for not being clear in the first place about the invitation being exclusively for my father. But I don’t feel I should apologize for anything else. Have I been the ahole here? WIBTA if I don’t apologize?

EDIT:

Thanks everyone for their responses, seems like I have some self-reflecting to do. I’ll provide some additional information that people have been asking about: Folks have been asking about +1s; we didn’t give anyone +1s.

My mother didn’t have a +1 . I’m not from the U.S., but this wedding is the equivalent of a ceremony and we will have the reception at a later date (this is because we need to be legally married to accelerate a visa process). She was(and still is) being considered for the reception.

And also, I have seen in this in the comments, but yes my father has mostly been an unreliable person in my life and we don’t have a good relationship. He has expressed in the past that he doesn’t agree with me getting married because he doesn’t agree with the concept of marriage himself.

We did send out formal invitations about two months ago where it specified a personal invitation, without any +1s. I sent this only to my father, he invited his partner even before we sent out invitations.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Red-Octopus91 said:

YTA, it’s fair of him to assume his partner was invited and that he was not supposed to tell anyone else (like aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc). The standard is to invite people’s partners. If she wasn’t invited, you should have clearly told him so: “dad, this is a small thing, which means I’m only inviting you and not your partner, ok?

Please don’t bring a plus one." I get that it was awkward and you probably wanted to avoid having to say it so bluntly, but there you have it, the consequences.

Traditional_Fan_2655 said:

YTA Obviously, you two have a less than great relationship. However, he has been with his partner for 5 years. You've interacted with her not once, but a dozen or so times, per your post.

If you want your dad there, it would be respectful to let him bring his partner. This is doubly true if you gave your mom a plus one. Otherwise, you may end up having this be your last visit with your dad as the resentment sets in.

Zestyclose_Public_47 said:

YTA. Of course he would assume his wife would be invited

alicat777777 said:

He is obviously living with her and yes, she should have been invited. He should have refused the invitation where his wife or partner was disrespected like that, just as you should if your husband is excluded from a family wedding. YTA.

Even_Happier said:

YTA you didn’t communicate he wasn’t to bring his partner and didn’t specify who he wasn’t to tell. Eyeballs not crystal balls.

Dramatic-Rip5605 said:

YTA. Your wedding, you can invite whoever you want. But be clear about it. YTA for the way you went about it. I totally understand that you saying don't tell anyone did not resonate to your dad as don't tell you partner. Where exactly was he supposed to tell her he was going when it was time to go to the wedding? Don't tell anyone and your partner is not invited is not the same thing.

How does ranting about a lazy stepson equate to they will be breaking up soon? You made assumptions and you were wrong. You do owe an apology for the situation you created.

You should have been honest from the beginning, you don't want her there. Instead of making it seem like your dad was wrong for assuming she was invited. Why would he not? You gave no indication she wasn't.

Fantastic-Rabbit-962 said:

YTA. Don’t apologize if you’re not interested in any kind of relationship with your father. Good luck to your wife to be. Sounds like she’s going to need it.