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Groom tells cousin, 'this isn't a child-free wedding, only YOUR daughter isn't invited.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

Groom tells cousin, 'this isn't a child-free wedding, only YOUR daughter isn't invited.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

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When this man is upset with his cousin leading up to his wedding, he asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my cousin I'm not having a child free wedding, her daughter just isn't invited?"

I (27m) am getting married in the fall to my fiancé (25f) and we've decided that friends and family can bring their kids, since for the most part the kids are well behaved and will be with a sitter for the night so the parents can enjoy the festivities.

The only exception is my cousin Linda’s daughter Cerrie (12). Linda's entitled and selfish and she's made her daughter entitled and selfish. Two years ago my other cousin, Linda's sister Lily got married and Cerrie ruined the wedding by throwing a tantrum, and destroying the cake because she was jealous that Lily's daughter was the flower girl.

Linda recently called me up to "talk" and brought up child free weddings and how terrible they are. Her invitation said nothing about a child free wedding, it had her name, and her husbands name on it and no plus one or anything to indicate Carrie could come.

I told her I wasn't having a child free wedding, Cerrie just wasn't invited because of what happened at Lily's wedding. I don't want a repeat of Cerrie seeing she's not the flower girl again and throwing another fit.

Linda's since gotten all her friends and the few people in the family who take her side to bombard me, my fiancé and family with texts about how selfish we are for purposefully excluding one child while everyone else can bring their kids.

Edit: everyone keeps asking “why invite Linda at all?” My family is very big on “family is everything” “family first” and “respect your elders” if I’d not invited Linda and her husband at all the shit storm would be much bigger and the majority of my family would be calling me to tell me to invite her.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

sloana writes:

YTA. These wedding invite posts always get the same reply. “It is your choice.” And of course, it is.

Its very weird you didn’t mention a more recent episode about this girl. In the comments you explained that her mom invented that whole flower girl thing. You just refuse to say the truth. You are excluding her because her mom abuses her and its ugly to watch.

Kids change a lot from age 10 to 12. Their understanding of their place in the universe grows exponentially. And they would have gotten lots of quick feed back from their peers and teachers over the last 2 years. Cerrie is old enough now to have picked up on how her mom’s choices don’t work so well in the world.

We also have no idea what was happening in this 10 year olds life at that time. You didn’t describe entitled/selfish. Wrecking a cake is more like a sign of trauma.

So without more info, YTA. You are holding a grudge, leaving no room for cognitive development and showing no grace to a child that is not her mother.

And you’ve built up your wedding to be something fragile when you know that ten year old didn’t “ruin” your sister’s wedding. A wedding is a lot more than a cake.

karlbor writes:

NTA. I was at a beautiful wedding when I was 7, maybe younger, I didn’t have any ‘overly huge’ role such as the flower girl, and despite being a bit upset, I didn’t ruin the entire experience and moment just because of a temporary feeling I know cannot be changed either way.

I just accepted it and tried to have my fun, and let the experience be about the bride and groom. I was grateful I was at least invited because that meant I was well behaved enough to attend a relevant experience.

Cerrie’s reaction wasn’t a small accident, she knew what she was doing. She’s not stupid. And I know it’s an eyesore for Linda and him, but I’d suggest you uninvite them too. I feel like they’ll bring Cerrie anyway and that shouldn’t be permitted. Your wedding is about you and you only.

kasshhhh writes:

YTA for inviting the parents since the kids behavior is enabled by the parents. You are putting all the blame on the kid who is raised like that and doesn't know any better. The parents let her throw a tantrum and destroy the cake last time.

You mean the parents and child who previously ruined a wedding? It's your wedding, if you don't want it to be ruined, you don't invite them because they have a history of ruining a wedding. It's as simple as that. If people have problems with that, un-invite them as well.

teamwlash writes:

NTA. Normally, I would say it is mean to exclude one child, but this one is an exception to that rule. You have mentioned that the child has been raised with no consequences for their actions and destroyed a wedding cake (ummm an important and expensive part of a wedding).

You are doing her a service by finally being an adult in her life that is doing their job and showing her that their are consequences for your actions in life.

ddog writes:

NTA. I honestly respect your move far more than the people who have a childfree wedding because they are afraid of hurting one persons feelings.

People can of course have a child free wedding for whatever reason they want but whenever people are changing their behavior out of trying to avoid confrontation with one person it is a mistake.

You aren't excluding the one child because of random hatred. It's because that child has shown that they can't behave at weddings.

If you had an Uncle who got drunk at your cousin's wedding and fell into the cake it would be perfectly rational to not invite them to your wedding.

(Your family would probably still have a problem with this but that's because your family is highly conflict averse and would rather pretend that nothing is wrong than deal with it and they are furious because you are forcing them to stop living in denial).

If I would you I would probably phrase it as if I was doing a favor for Cerrie. "You know what happened at X wedding and I would hate her to be placed in a circumstance where she would be so distressed as to have a tantrum and potentially harm herself. I'd rather be the family bad guy then see poor Cerrie in such distress again."

sensgroup writes:

WOW. I wouldn't invite Cerrie to a Saturday lunch at McDonalds, much less a wedding. I don't care what your family's opinion on 'family is everything' is, because clearly Linda thinks family is ALL ABOUT LINDA AND CERRIE and doesn't care about anyone else.

My req is to disinvite Linda and her hubs, as well as anyone who sides with her. A 12yo (even 10, which Cerrie was when she ruined her aunt's wedding) should be able to behave properly and know she can't have her way, and if her mother believes that behavior is okay then Linda can't behave property either.

Perfect way to cull the expenses of the guest list - you think a spoiled child has a right to make a wedding about her? Then you don't come either. Thanks for letting us know. NTA.

worthseason8 writes:

NTA ….Linda sounds horrible, but you cannot claim “family is everything” and then not invite the child. You were going to have a shit storm either way, (whether you invited Linda or not, or invited her child or not).

Let me tell you, (as someone older and wiser), family is not always everything. You get one life to live. How do want it to go? Have people in it who make it miserable at times or people you support you and lift you up?

Yes, there are times when we have to consider family and put up with whatever, but you can set boundaries of your choosing. What you need to decide now is, what boundary do you want to set?

Do you want to give into “the family” calling you out or just tell those complaining that this is your decision and they can decide if they still wish to attend your wedding or not.

You could also tell Linda and those on her side, “Fine, whatever. But you all better make sure this child does not throw one of her famous tantrums or I will take that mic and go off on you all in front of everyone on nieces behavior and those...

who let her get away with it and you will be asked to leave and it will be the last event you all are invited to”. In the end, whatever you decide, when that first person decides to make a stand, I bet others will breathe a sigh of relief and follow suit.

!!@uuu writes

NTA She has given you lots of reasons to not invite the child and her parents now trying to pressure you shows that they have no remorse.

Have they offered any reassurance that their daughter has improved control over her emotions? Or how they would remove her swiftly if she had any kind of tantrum? Have they apologised to the other couple whose wedding she ruined?

If not, you can use that as additional argument to their flying monkeys, as to why she is not invited.

Also, if anyone wants to pressure you to invite her, ask they if they themselves are willing to take responsibility for her on the wedding, remove her if she cannot behave and reimburse you for any damages she causes. She if they continue their harassment then.

Update 1:

Cerrie is 12, and was 10 at Lily's wedding. I listed that as the prime example but it's far from the only issue. Cerrie throws tantrums whenever something doesn't go her way which is often.Karen doesn't do anything to stop her. For Lily's wedding Karen told Cerrie she'd be the flower girl.

And Cerrie threw a fit when Lily's daughter Emily was the flower girl and not her. Karen did nothing to stop her from destroying the cake and after made excuses for her. Cerrie has always acted terribly, the pandemic made her behavior worse if anything

I know she doesn’t have a disability. She takes after her mother, who’s entitled and who has ensured Cerrie is also entitled.

For one, at Lily’s wedding for whatever reason Linda told Cerrie she’d be the flower girl. Not once did Lily even consider making Cerrie the flower girl. So when she saw Emily all dressed up with a basket of flowers she flipped out.

Karen didn’t and refuses to apologize to this day. Her husband did write Lily a check and apologized for the mess.

Update 2:

I forgot about this account, but here's a small update in case anyone wanted to know what happened with Cerrie and Linda.

It's not that fun or exciting. Linda decided to boycott the wedding and got quite a lot of the family to boycott it with her.

Me and my fiance got to invite more of our own friends to fill the empty seats and we didn't have the usual family drama that always seems to occur at events because all of the people who created the drama were absent.

Emily was not the flower girl, our friends kids each got a small basket of petals to throw around. All in all we had a great time. No tantrums, no cake smashing.

And we've not been going to family events as much apart from like Christmas at my parents which is always a small affair with only immediate family, so no Linda and Cerrie.

Linda moved on from the wedding onto something else equally as stupid and insignificant, as has everyone else. Cerrie's dad actually put his foot down for the first time.

She's going to get held back a year for her poor grades and I think she's going to do some kind of behavioral therapy. I'm not sure it's all I've heard through the grapevine. Maybe she'll get invited to the next wedding if her behavior actually improves.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for him?

Sources: Reddit
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