Groom doesn't warn dad's wife about dance with his granny at wedding, ' I left her to be humiliated.' AITA?

"AITA for not giving my dad's wife a heads up that I was dancing with my granny at my wedding?"

I (28m) got married in November. Ever since the wedding there has been an ongoing disagreement over my choice to dance with my granny while my wife danced with her dad. The big thing appears to be that I didn't give my dad's wife, who I met when I was 11, a heads up about this and she found out about the dance while it happened. But the other layer appears to be that I asked my granny instead of my dad's wife.

This has been brought up at least 7 different times since my wedding in November and over the weekend it was brought up again but it became an actual fight. The short version is I never considered telling her about it before my wedding because I didn't expect it to be an issue. And she was not on my mind while I was planning the wedding.

Longer version is that I didn't consider warning her in advance or anything but I know there's some more complexity to this. I never considered her a mother figure. I met her when I was 11 and she moved in with us when I was 12 and married dad when I was 13. To me she was my dad's girlfriend and then wife. Not my mom or parent.

But when I was a teenager we went to family therapy together because our relationship wasn't developing like she expected and she didn't like feeling like she was only in mine and my sister's life as long as she was with dad. But that's how we saw it (my sister is older btw). She tried to be a mother figure but backed off by the time I left for college. I thought it was her accepting the reality.

I still feel like my relationship with her is contingent on her being married to my dad and him being alive. I'm not attached to her personally. In February 2020 she and my dad separated and didn't get back together until May 2022.

I didn't speak to her from February 2020 until July 2022 when I saw her again for the first time since their breakup. Things seemed fine at the time. She didn't ask why we (my sister or me) didn't call or anything.

But now it turns out she was still holding onto the hope that she was more. And that she was a motherly figure enough that I would have asked her to dance with me instead of granny. Her feelings are hurt and she feels like I was disrespectful to her by not telling her beforehand.

On Saturday when it came up again she told me she felt insulted that I asked granny when she was there and the fact she and dad were sitting next to my wife's parents, it made it more obvious that she was being snubbed and wasn't considered a parent like the other three people sitting with her.

My sister told her she knew where we all stood and she thought we'd put it to rest when we were teens and went to family therapy with her and dad. My dad's wife said she figured there'd be enough respect for her to give a warning at least so she wasn't blindsided. I told her honestly I didn't even think about doing it because I believed, like my sister, that any hard feelings about that were put to rest.

She said we're both adults now. That my sister is 31 and I'm 28. She said she believed at our ages we would have come to see her in a different light. She said it was cruel for me to give her no consideration at all when I planned the dance and I left her to be humiliated.

My dad said nothing during this and hasn't spoken up at all when this was brought up in the last few months. I told her I was sorry her feelings were hurt. She said that was a crappy apology and hurt her feelings even more.

She told me I was inconsiderate. Then she and my sister ended up fighting about it all. Then I exchanged some heated words with her because she tried to place some blame on my wife for not warning her. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Plane_Practice8184 said:

NTA. Set firmer boundaries. You are not responsible for her expectations. I'd limit contact with her in the future if she continues to bring it up. Especially with your kids.

Right_Cucumber5775 said:

NTA and tell her you're done talking about it. What is done, is done. You've given her the only apology you will. You do not owe her anything else. Tell your dad if she doesn't drop it, you will only see him without her in the future.

ConnectionRound3141 said:

NTA. Sounds like you need to start seeing your dad without his wife.

jrm1102 said:

NTA - this is your wedding and your choice. They need to get over it at this point.

Cybermagetx said:

NTA. She has delusions on being more. And refused to see she isn't. She is your dad's wife. Not your extra mom.

RandomReddit9791 said:

NTA. She's hurting herself by not accepting what's the truth-you don't see her as anything more than your father's wife.