Groom gives in-laws ultimatum: 'there will be no wedding if my best friend isn't invited.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my in-laws there will be no wedding if my best friend is not invited?"
Me (m), my wife "Nancy" and my best friend Alex (f) are all in our early 30s. Nancy and Alex know each other and even hang out alone and have their girl time when Alex comes to visit as she lives in different country.
Now me and Alex used to date back in the high school but broke up before we turned 18 as we found we want different things in life. However despite the break up we became best friends and never displayed anything romantical towards each other. She is like a sister to me.
She supported me when I was in prison, lost relatives and through a lot of other hardships before I met Nancy. She is my rock and the person I am comfortable to open up to and she also gives advice if I mess up with Nancy and explains why I am an idiot. It is also important that she has a long term partner who both me and Nancy get along well.
Now to the problem: me and Nancy are getting married in a couple of months and I have noticed that we haven't received rsvp from Alex. My future mother and sister in law were in charge of invitations, so I have messaged Alex to see if she received anything and what her answer will be. Alex confirmed she and her partner would be happy to attend and how excited she is to see me and Nancy getting married.
I have contacted my in laws and asked why Alex hasn't received an invitation and have tried to be as polite as possible thinking it might just be an issue with delivery or lost in mail, but both MIL and SIL have told me they have never sent an invite as they believe my friendship with Alex is inappropriate, and I would be disrespecting Nancy by having Alex in our wedding.
I was confused as Nancy is also really excited to see her as they grew close. I have tried to reason with them but they basically said if I invite Alex they won't come to the wedding. I have checked with Nancy and she is visibly upset about the whole deal as she doesn't think it is fair to leave Alex out.
Here where I can be an ahole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge ahole and spreading rumours to distant family.
It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
BulbasaurRanch said:
I don’t understand why your in-laws were given the power to make decisions on invites in the first place. I think cancelling the wedding is a bit extreme, but your call. I’d just uninvite the guilty parties instead. NTA.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 said:
NTA - make this your hill to die on. "Here where I can be an ahole: after some consideration and discussion with Nancy, I have sent my in laws a message saying there will be no wedding if they are not comfortable with Alex attending. Of course it tipped them off with my MIL and SIL believing I am a huge asshole and spreading rumors to distant family.
It is also important to know that the wedding was only happening to keep her side of the family happy and we would preferred to elope and have small celebration at a restaurant with close friends."
No Alex, you and Nancy will invite Alex to be your witness at the local justice of the peace for the wedding you and Nancy want. Make this your hill to die on OP, otherwise your in-laws will think they can dictate other areas of your life whether you want them to or not.
forgeris said:
NTA - if you let random monkeys to be in charge of invitations then random monkeys will make all decisions instead of you whether you want them or not. It is your wedding and only two people have authority to invite anyone - you and your bride, everyone else can bite the dust.
TabbieAbbie said:
NTA. You and Nancy should be the deciders on who gets an invitation and who doesn't, not her parents. (In deciding which family and friends will be invited, her parents can have some say, but it's her wedding, and they should be inviting the friends she wants to invite.)
Your future ILs seem to want to control this issue; how many other issues in the future will they want to control? Are they going to try to keep Alex away from you both for eternity? How much say will you and Nancy be giving them in how you live your married life together?
If you want to make your own decisions together in the future, stomp on this nonsense now. You and Nancy should be a united front on this: either we get to invite whoever we want, or we will ask our friends to be our witnesses when we elope. No big wedding, no other guests, including them.
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA...your guest list and your friends are none of your in-laws' business-none. People are asking why Nancy isn't addressing her family, but the truth is she doesn't have to in this case. This is the time to lay down boundaries and let your in-laws know that you will not tolerate meddling.
WhiteKnightPrimal said:
NTA. Alex isn't just your friend, but Nancy's too. Yes, you and Alex used to date, but that's not the relationship you have now, you both moved on, have new partners you love, and see each other as siblings now. There's nothing inappropriate here, especially as all four of you get along so well.
This is your and Nancy's wedding, you get to decide who comes and who doesn't. You want Alex there, Nancy wants Alex there, therefore Alex gets an invite. Now, you could have just left this as was in a way. You could have just said 'fine, Alex is definitely coming to the wedding, so sorry you can't make it' and rescinded MIL and SILs invites.
But you also have the added factor that, so far, this isn't the wedding you and Nancy want. You want something small and intimate with just close friends. It's been turned into something big with everyone invited, and it sounds like MIL and SIL have way more say than you and Nancy. I'm assuming the in-laws are paying for it.
I say you should grab Nancy and your closest friends, including Alex and her partner, and do the small, intimate elopement you wanted from the start. Don't tell anyone except those invited, go and get married. Then come back and announce to the in-laws that you and Nancy are already married, but you're happy to have a smallish family celebration of that with just family members. On both sides.
FuzzyMom2005 said:
NTA, but your first and biggest mistake was letting her family dictate the type of wedding you're having. The second was letting your FMIL handle invitations. By now, you should know that.
These are your fiancée's relatives. She should be reading them the riot act. Make sure she's backing you and not hiding behind you. Her family is trying to walk all over you. It won't stop at the wedding unless you BOTH put up a united front.