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Groom gives MIL ultimatum: 'respect my wishes, or I'll pay for the wedding myself.' AITA? UPDATED

Groom gives MIL ultimatum: 'respect my wishes, or I'll pay for the wedding myself.' AITA? UPDATED


"AITA for telling my MIL I’ll pay for my wedding myself if she can’t respect my few wishes?"

I (25M) will be marrying my fiancé G (25F) later on this year. I proposed to her a little bit before Christmas and we’re aiming for a November wedding. G has two older brothers, only one of which has gotten married, and for one reason or another, my MIL (68F) was not involved in the planning of the wedding at all.

She was pretty hurt over this as she’s always wanted to help plan her children’s weddings, so when we got engaged, she offered to pay for most of the wedding, and in return we agreed to let her help with the planning. In my mind, as long as I’m marrying G I’m happy, so I was okay with this.

The only thing I’m really sticking to that I refuse to change is what I’m wearing. My mother died when I was very young, and she was the daughter of first generation Scottish immigrants. My grandparents moved from the north of Scotland in the 60’s and my mother was brought up learning about her parents culture.

Since she died, I’ve had a hard time connecting to that side of my family, and after my grandfather died a few years ago, I decided that I wanted to wear her family’s kilt when I get married. I talked about this with my fiancé before we got engaged, because it is an unorthodox idea, but she thought it was sweet and liked the idea.

A few days ago my MIL came up to me and told me I’d have to wear a traditional tux instead of a kilt. When I asked her why, she said it went against the view she had of G’s wedding, and that the colors of my mothers tartan clashed with the colors she had chosen for the wedding. When I told her that this was pretty much the only thing I’m unwilling to budge on, she brought up how she’s paying for most of the wedding and wearing a tux is the least I could do.

When I brought this up to G she echoed the sentiment her mother had made about paying for the wedding. I’m able to pay for it myself, and I told G that I thought she understood how important this connection to my mother was to me, especially because she can’t be there, and if she wasn’t able to accept that than I’d pay for the wedding myself.

G told me I was being a bit of a d%ck for being this stuck to what I want to wear, and once my MIL heard that I would just pay for the wedding myself, she got really upset because it’s always been her dream to plan G’s wedding.

I’m feeling like a bit of a di$k right now and was wondering if I should just wear a standard tux. My family’s kilt is really important to me but this is causing more conflict than I thought it would.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Famous_Tap_3971 said:

Tell MIL that if she wants to see a standard tux at your wedding so much, she should wear one.

Noir_Shield said:

NTA but I bet fiance would sing a different tune if her mother picked out her wedding dress (that she didn't like ) and played the she's paying card.

Reddoraptor said:

NTA, and you are getting a glimpse right now of how life will be if you marry this person. You told her one thing was important to you and she could do whatever she wants for everything else, she ostensibly agreed, and now your needs are immaterial and you're a dick for wanting anything at all your way.

You will be making a HUGE mistake marrying this person, your MIL will stomp all over your boundaries, and more importantly your wife doesn't give a crap how you feel and will happily join her mom in stomping on them and then go DARVO on you and make it like she's the victim and you're being an AH to have any wants or needs at all. This is red flag city - walk away or you will regret it, I absolutely guarantee it.

catlettuce said:

Yea, NTA but if you marry this woman you are nuts. Her mother is intrusive and disrespectful of something so sentimental and important to you. It’s only going to get worse.

groovymama98 said:

NTA. You told G the meaning of the kilt. You say she thought it was a sweet idea. Now G is saying you're a d$ck because you want what you already said meant a lot to you. Are ya feeling supported by the person you (I'm assuming) plan to spend the rest of your life with?

NeeliSilverleaf said:

NTA and if your fiancee is brushing this off you might want to rethink if you should be getting married.


So the past 24 hours or so have been eventful. I took most peoples advice and talked to my Fiance about this issue before going forward. Her siding with her mother like this and going against me was really out of character so I felt like I really needed to figure out what was on the go.

The long and the short of it comes down to money. G doesn't make as much of a salary as I do (I make almost 2.5x her salary), despite this shes pretty insistent of things being 50/50 between us. Our finances aren't combined until after marriage because of some weird tax issues and legal things in our home region, but even with me making more she insists we're a team and have to go 50/50 on big things (rent, car payments, electrical, wedding, etc...) so even though I'm able to pay for the wedding myself, shes not able to pay for the half she feels like she'd want to pay. Because of this she's really clinging to the idea of her mother paying for our wedding, even though I'd be more than happy to pay for it all myself.

We talked yesterday evening, and she said that since she accepted her mother paying for the wedding, their relationship has become pretty strained, with MIL pretty much taking over the wedding planning. Apparently MIL was initially pushing for a tropical destination wedding in Jamaica, an idea G put down quickly as she knows I hate the idea of destination weddings, and MIL had even tried to get final say on the dress G was going to wear, as well as she wanted final say over who the bridesmaids were.

(she wanted her friends daughters who G is not close with in the party). I've had a pretty good relationship with MIL so far so I found it kind of odd how she went total momzilla, but I have noticed her and G drifting apart a bit, although I never thought it was related.

A few people thought that G actually hated the idea of the kilt and had MIL acting as the bad guy to try and change my mind, and you're not completely wrong. She doesn't hate the idea, but really doesn't like that the other male members of the bridal party will be wearing tux's while myself and my cousin would be wearing kilts.

She wanted consistency across the board and had expressed this to her mother. MIL took this as the opportunity to get me to wear a tux instead of getting the groomsmen to wear kilts, and had the wedding colours changed (without G's knowledge) to contrast with my family's tartan.

When I talked to G yesterday, she said that she had just gotten out of a massive fight with her mother over changing the colours, and really wasn't in the mood to start another argument with her. She acknowledged she was in the wrong for siding with her mom, and seemed genuinely sorry. She said that in the stress of planning a wedding while having an overbearing mother, she had thought of the kilt as another detail, and had forgotten the significance of it to me, and that she was really sorry.

In the meantime a few changes have been made, my MIL is no longer paying for the wedding, and no longer involved in planning. I'm going to pay half, as G never wanted me to pay more than half by myself for something that's for both of us, and my FIL is covering the parts that G is going to have some trouble covering (MIL is unaware of this, FIL and MIL are still together however he's not telling her he's helping pay).

We're still getting married in November, Wedding colours have been changed back to match my kilt, and we've decided to rent kilts in our regional tartan for the rest of the groomsmen so that they match the aesthetic. Thankfully no deposits were put down on things like tux rentals, bridesmaid dresses, or decorations so no money lost.

I know a lot of people told me to seriously reconsider marrying G, and going into our talk last night I really was, but I'm happy with how things turned out since this really was an anomaly in her behavior, and I really am excited to marry her.

Here's what top commenters had to say aftert the update:

Academic_Height187 said:

What a fantastic update! OP, I’m happy to hear you were able to clear the air with G and are going ahead with the wedding of your dreams and not what your MIL dictated. As for G, I’m sure this is a great burden (and a lot of stress) lifted off her shoulders, because it seems her mom’s choices were making G very unhappy. PS: Your future FIL sounds like a very good man.

ZeroZipZilchNadaNone said:

I’m happy this seems to be working out the way you want but you still need to be careful. If fiancée is still hung up on the 50/50 to the point she “forgets” things that are more important than money, how is that going to work for things like purchasing a home or a vehicle or having children or whatever other large purchases that are a normal part of life. Good luck!

Nusrattt said:

Mark my words, this will not end with the issue of the wedding. Try to arrange your career so as to require that you and your spouse move as far away as possible from the MIL. At least that will reduce the number of "friendly interventions " regarding your choice of a home, a neighborhood, a paint scheme, furniture, window dressing, dining set, dinnerware, vehicles, garden plantings, etc.

However, you'll still have to face the problem of baby names and a lot of other things. And on that subject, delay as long as possible having children. You need to give yourself the maximum possible amount of time to see how this power struggle regarding these two women develops in the long run.

If it appears that the MIL is still exerting too much influence and unhappiness in your life through her daughter, it would be better if you could consider divorce without having to think about children. Best of luck, because you're going to need it.

Malibucat48 said:

It’s good that you worked out, but here’s the issue with G insisting the wedding costs be 50-50. She isn’t paying half, her parents are! First MIL, now FIL in secret because MIL can’t know. That is not equal and she is delusional if she thinks that means you are equal partners. Does she expect her parents to pay half of all the marital expenses that she can’t afford?

You need to discuss finances before the wedding. Most marital disagreements are about money. Budget household expenses now and how much each of you will contribute. Decide on who pays for vacations, childcare when the time comes, and incidentals that aren’t rent, utilities, insurance, etc. But she can’t say she is paying half if her parents are giving her the money. It doesn’t work that way. She’s an adult and not getting an allowance.

MrsMurphysCow said:

I love when people choose healthy communication over letting troublesome parents ruin the best times of their lives. Good on both of you, and I wish you a wonderful joy-filled wedding and a very happy life together.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for these soon-to-be newlyweds?

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