Groom goes no-contact with 'financially underwater' brother after he boycotts wedding. AITA?

"AITA for reacting in anger to my brother telling me he will not attend my wedding?"

My (m35) brother (m24) called me 2 days before my wedding and informed me that he would not be attending. Background: my fiancée and I have been planning this wedding for over a year, and my brother is one of the first people we invited. He is part of the bridal/groom party.

Our parents will not be attending, but I expected that, as it is a secular wedding, and they are pretty hardcore legalist Protestant Christians, and anything not revolving around God, or including alcohol or non-Christian music is considered sinful. My brother would have been the only part of my nuclear family to attend, and that is important to me. We are the only two siblings.

Lately, he's been financially underwater, due to some questionable decisions he made in the past (financed a truck he couldn't afford primarily), as well as suffers from anxiety.

He called me yesterday evening, 2 days before our wedding, and informed me he would not be going. He cited that he does not do well in crowds, and barely knows anyone there, and that he'd be unable to attend, since his anxiety would be too much to handle.

He also cited, that even if he did attempt to attend, his truck would be repossessed the day of our wedding. I told him I'd pick him up, and that there were multiple members of our extended family attending, to which he replied that he didn't really know those people.

I then reacted in near-rage, telling him to f off and not contact me again, and hung up. A few minutes later I called to apologize, but the call went to voicemail. I followed up with texts apologizing, but telling him to get help for his anxiety, and that I would need time for our relationship to bounce back from this.

AITA for chewing him out, and for being irate at his reasoning to not attend my wedding? I feel like I overreacted to the situation. I've also been told I reacted accordingly, as in our cultures (Central American and US-American), weddings are a massive deal in our lives and not to be taken lightly.

EDIT:

I myself suffer from Bipolar II Disorder with anxiety, so for those wondering if I am unable to understand what he's feeling, I certainly do; however, through professional help, I've managed to find ways to manage it. Him and I have bonded over me helping him with tips to manage anxiety that I've received from my therapists.

I failed to mention, in between him informing me of his reasoning for not coming, and me boiling over and shouting at him, I handed the phone to my fiancee, who was calmer than me (who was feeling frustration and anxiety) to speak and plead with him to come...

...and he gave her all the same reasons, telling her that if we "did not understand, then sorry but I can't come," which was when I took the phone back and had the anger outburst. Unsure if this helps at all, but felt that it was important to the series of events.

For those urging me to seek help for anger management, this is a complete one-off outburst. I'm very level-headed, and this type of occurrence is very rare. I rarely let the anger side of the feelings wheel take hold, and even in the rare occurrence they do, it's tempered frustration at best, and not for long.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

ImprovementTop1126 said:

First of all congratulations on getting married. If you’ve had your day, I hope it went well. If you haven’t, focus on those who showed up for you including your significant other that you are marrying.

Your brother should not have waited two days before your wedding to say he would not show. And you should not have yelled, although I am sure it was very hard to hear.

Your parents and brother are more on the a-hole side for their antics. I’m very religious and I show up for my friends and family, even if the music and other things aren’t to my taste or my beliefs.

retrozebra said:

Soft ESH. I can see why you’re so upset—it’s clear that your brother means a lot to you. It seems like he’s going through some heavy stress right now, which can make someone want to avoid being in the spotlight or at a wedding in front of a large crowd.

While I don’t think he handled the situation the best way, I also don’t think you reacting angrily was the ideal response. I think this is a classic “everyone’s got a lot going on, and stress took over” scenario.

I think it’s wonderful you already apologized. I wonder if trying to understand what’s going on with him would go a long way here? It seems like he might have received a repossession notice and is feeling overwhelmed by it. Offering him some support and advice could help ease his anxiety and stress, and maybe he’ll feel ready to join you on your big day.

Few_Recover_6622 said:

ESH. He should not be backing out two days before. You should not be flying into an uncontrolled rage that leaves you immediately regretting what you said. You cannot control how he manages his mental health, but for the sake of your wife and any future children, you really need to seek help with yours. It sounds like you have worked on your anxiety, but a rage like that is going to destroy more relationships.

PerspectiveWh$re3879 said:

I was going to say ESH until you blamed your behavior on "culture."That excuse is in bad faith and doesn't hold water. Your culture didn't cause you to act badly, you let yourself act badly. YTA. Congrats on the wedding.

Nice-Association-111 said:

ESH. He is for backing out only 2 days before for reasons that he already knew of. If his anxiety is this bad why did he agree to come and be in your wedding party? If he’s worried he won’t know people there, why was this not a problem before until only 2 days before? And he adds his truck would be repossessed but you say you can pick him up.

It’s possible he’s looking for an excuse and not telling you the real reason he doesn’t want to come anymore as he gave you three reasons not to come and on short notice.

And two of them were ones he already knew of. The third is something you can get around so isn’t really a reason. On the other hand you ending your relationship is going too far. Maybe you can find out what is going on that he no longer wants to come?

9okm said:

ESH. A bit ridiculous for bro to back out 2 days ahead. Your reaction, while understandable, seems a bit overblown.