Groom issues a warning to family: 'you can be uninvited from my wedding at any time.' AITA?
"AITA for issuing a warning to my maternal relatives that they can be uninvited from my wedding at any time?"
I'm (28M) getting married next year. I am 100% no contact with my mother and have been for the past 10 years and I have not lived in her house in 12 years (yes, at 16 I was living somewhere other than with her). That no contact is not changing for anything and yes, she has attempted to reach out and make amends in that time but I am not interested and have continued to keep all points of contact between us closed. This includes the family on her side I do talk to (mainly her parents, two of her siblings and her two siblings five kids aka my cousins). I talk to them because they were there for me.
The reason for the estrangement? I don't like who she became after my dad died. I was 8 when he passed and 9 when my mom suddenly announced that all photos of dad, all of his clothes and possessions and anything to do with him were being boxed up and sent to his parents because she wanted us to move on from dad and she wanted to be married again and she didn't want her new husband to be uncomfortable seeing her dead husband's face everywhere and she wanted me to like and love whoever she married and didn't want me to cling to a dead man who was not coming back and was no longer part of our lives.
She refused to let me have a photo or two for my room and told me she would not fight with me and had already fought with his parents because they were outraged she wanted to throw all of his stuff and photos in the trash. From that day on my mom was cold toward me if I even attempted to bring up my dad. She did remarry, she had three (possibly more after I left) more kids.
She married a man who was bitter that I wouldn't call him dad and refused to change my last name to his and accept him adopting me. My mother was furious with me for stopping the adoption. They had spent thousands on a lawyer who they felt would be able to push it through regardless of my feelings...When I moved out at 16 I spent two weeks with maternal grandparents before going to my paternal grandparents and the relatives I mentioned above continued being supporting and understanding even after I left the state.
But now that has changed. They brought up inviting my mother and her family to my wedding several times and I told them nothing had changed for me. They would try to make persuasive arguments as to why I should invite her and let her be there for this day. I got a little firmer with them and then they changed course and said that I should invite her other children with them, so we can have a relationship.
I refused that too. Then they brought up how important it is to invite my mother. Which is when I told them if they bring it up again or try anything to get her there, they can be uninvited. I told them I would make them leave on the day if I had to. They told me there was no reason to be so harsh toward them. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Sad_Consequence392 said:
NTA - I personally would have done the same…if they are not capable of respecting your boundaries, you cut them off. People need to stop with the “but it’s family” BS. Some DNA in common makes you blood related but not family! One needs to behave like family to be considered as such!
ParsimoniousSalad said:
NTA. What is it about people's fantasies of a happy reconciled family, that they stop seeing reality and think they can impose on others so they can get that Hallmark moment? You will need some appointed "guards" at your wedding because it doesn't seem like people are going to give up (and since your mother will be informed where and when, she might just show up on her own volition). Honestly expect drama (unless you elope).
yago1980 said:
NTA - your wedding, your party, your rules. Sorry, you had to go through all that.
forgeris said:
NTA. You and only you decide who can and who can't come to your wedding. Uninvite all who don't respect your opinions and choices. They have no right to tell you anything about your relationship with your mom, this is why parents need to be careful how they treat their kids as when these kids become adults they will decide if they actually still have parents or not.
tulipvonsquirrel said:
NTA. Your mother set the standard on how to value a parent. By eliminating all evidence of your dad, telling you to get over it and forget he existed she set the price, she taught you that parents are inconsequential, interchangable things you can discard. You are merely following her example and treating her as she demanded you treat your dad.
AethericOwl said:
Oh yes there absolutely was reason to be that harsh with them- they couldn't get the word "NO" through their heads the first time you said it, so you had to repeat it in a firm enough way that they understood. NTA.
wlfwrtr said:
NTA They all need to learn the meaning of no.