Groom plans to list stepmom as 'Stepmother of the Groom' on wedding invitations, 'she's hurt.' AITA?

"AITA for listing my stepmom as stepmother of the groom instead of mother of the groom on our wedding invites and program?"

My fiancée and I finalized our wedding invitations and our wedding program designs. The wording we chose has bothered some of my family and I'm here to find out if I'm TA or not. My fiancée's parents are both alive and married so she just has them as Father and Mother of the Bride.

My mom died when I was in elementary school and dad remarried when I was in middle school. My stepmom's my stepmom. I don't call her mom and never introduced her as my mom. And I wanted to mention my mom on the invites and program too. So I had it worded as Late Mother, Father and Stepmother.

Nothing has been sent out yet or printed. But we had some family over for a dinner on Sunday night and they wanted to see what we decided on. That's when some family spoke in protest at listing my stepmom as stepmother vs mother.

The people upset were my youngest full sister who calls our stepmom "mom" and two of my half siblings. Dad had asked why not just say parents of the bride and parents of the groom and save labeling anyone as a step or as a lesser parent when my stepmom has been around a long time now.

My stepmom suggested mom should have been listed last instead of first. My fiancée said being dead didn't make her less important and that we didn't need their opinions on our choice of words because everyone got mentioned.

But my three siblings who complained said it was mean for me to put her as step on them. My younger full sister who doesn't call our stepmom mom either spoke in my defense and said she'd write it the same way if she were the one getting married.

It was just an overly dramatic issue. And honestly the program was just covered in our wedding package so we didn't intend to do it. Personally I don't see why mom has to come last and why I need to list my stepmom as my mother instead of stepmother, when she is my stepmother.

This whole thing has not blown over since Sunday night and my dad sent me a bunch of screenshots with "proof" that listing everyone as parents instead of by official title is better. And my youngest (full) sister has continued to bring up how bad she feels that my stepmom has to always be reminded she's a step.

She said if she could accept her fully me and our sister could do it too. But she was younger than us and it made a difference. She also said she wouldn't mention our shared mom if she got married and she'd rather not have something morbid like that and instead focus on the living mom she has.

My stepmom hasn't said more but I could tell she was feeling hurt. I know she's entitled to her feelings and I won't discount them. We don't have a bad relationship. But I have never called her mom so I don't see why this expectation was ever there to begin with. AITA though?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

celticmusebooks said:

The other option would be to leave stepmom off of the formal invitation. "OP, Daughter of Joe OP and the late Josephine OP." Mentioning your step mom on the invite was generous on your part but if she doesn't appreciate that then leave her off. NTA.

AmyOfTheAshTree said:

If I was your stepmom and saw that you’d included me on the invite alongside your father and mother, I’d feel incredibly honored and loved. I don’t understand why they’re all so offended. NTA.

False-Bandicoot-6813 said:

OP the drama is just beginning with the invitations. Do what makes you and your fiancée happy and move forward. You can’t make everyone happy. I would’ve done the same and you are NTA. Good luck on the additional planning and block their noise.

blueberryxxoo said:

NTA It's your wedding. It's your decision. Also why is being called a stepmother a bad thing? That's exactly what she is. It doesn't diminish her in any way. Honoring your deceased Mother is understandable and touching.

People get their feelings hurt over the silliest things. I suppose if you were feeling generous you could say "parents" for all three of them but I'd do what makes you and your fiancee happy. I'm guessing at the end of the day everyone will be fine and get over it so don't stress too much about it.

No_Cockroach4248 said:

NTA, she is your stepmom. Her wanting your mom to be named last makes her AH in my books. Your dad is AH for not respecting your wishes and trying to guilt trip you. Your youngest sister and half siblings can stop being dramatic and name your stepmom as mother or parent on their very own wedding invitations.

I am not sure why your dad’s wife had such high expectations. You were polite to include her. I have seen invitations where only the bio parents were mentioned. If they - your dad, his wife and any of your siblings - continue with the guilt trip, I would drop stepmom from being named on the invitation.

This is about respecting your wishes. They do not have to agree with you, they can make their points clear but there after they should respect your decisions.

Sweet-Interview5620 said:

NTA no one gets to tell you how you see your step mum and force you to label her as your mum when she is not your mum and never will be. If they can’t be adult and accept your mum will always be your mum and have more right to go on your invites than anyone else, that’s their problem.

Tell your sister she’s not your mum and no matter how she sees her she can’t force you to do something you don’t want. That she can put what she wants when and if she gets married but until then she only has a say in her own relationship with your step mum, not yours, if they keep trying to push you can always remove her name completely as no one gets to erase your mum how loved you and didn’t choose to leave you.

Tell your dad he has no say in this it’s your wedding and he needs to accept it. You didn’t disrespect her you simply put the truth she isn’t a mother to you and never will be. That your wedding has NOTHING to do with her and everyone needs to accept that. That all his and everyone pushing will do is damage your relationship with her and them further so unless that’s what he wants he needs to stop and drop it.