'WIBTA if I didn’t let my sister wear her wedding dress to my wedding?'
"WIBTA if I didn’t let my sister wear her wedding dress to my wedding?"
Three years ago, my sister’s (36F) fiancé died in a work accident, 4 months before they were supposed to get married. They had been together for a long time and had a kid together, the only reason they didn’t marry earlier is money.
This was obviously a horrible experience for her, and she’s understandably very upset about never having gotten to marry the love of her life. I (27M) recently got engaged.
At first I was pretty hesitant to bring up the wedding around my sister, because I didn’t want to upset her or bring up any bad memories, but she was really excited about it and immediately started helping me to plan.
She loves weddings, and pretty clearly was interested in my wedding being similar to her own idea of a perfect wedding. I didn’t mind this, because I’m not nearly as good at this type of thing and she took my vetoes with grace.
A week ago she brought up the idea of her wearing the dress she bought for her own wedding to mine. My mother, who’s usually very strict on traditions like not wearing white to a wedding, thought it was a great idea.
She argued that because I’m marrying another man, no one would mistake her for the bride, and it would let my sister have the wedding experience she always wanted. I think she’d stand out a lot like that. My sister will be my maid of honour (best woman?) and the plan was for her dress to match my financé's best man.
I did do my best to be conscious of my sister’s loss. I don’t mind something to honor her fiancé, like an empty chair or a memorial table dedicated to him. I offered her some bride experiences that she missed out on like the father-daughter dance.
I just feel like a full wedding dress is a lot, and the idea makes me a bit uncomfortable. I feel bad for being bothered by it because a wedding isn’t nearly important to me as it is to her- I’d have been fine just getting legally married with no ceremony or anything, so I don’t know why the thought of my sister wearing what she wants upsets me.
I know my sister would accept it if I said no, but she’s so excited about the idea and she’s pretty set on never remarrying so this is probably her only opportunity to wear this dress.
I brought up to my mom that I was hesitant to say yes and she got really upset with me, and accused me of being jealous of her and needing all the attention. WIBTAH?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Fair enough, but I'm curious, what bad thing(s) do you think will happen if she were to wear it?
AITAdressthrowaway OP responded:
A) my sister gets very emotional even when she doesn’t expect to. She’d be sobbing the entire time, and then get embarrassed about sobbing the entire time, which would make her cry more. I love her so much, but she is a huge crier.
B) my fiancé has a lot of family flying in from Europe. I don’t know how we’d even begin to explain “hey, just ignore the crying lady wearing a wedding dress”. I’m worried people would be awkward about it and she’d pick up on that and get even more embarrassed. I just don’t think any of the experience would be as fun as she’s imagining.
shyfidelity said:
NTA but your mom is. Her daughter wearing a white dress to her gay brother's wedding is not "the wedding experience she always wanted" lol.
SnooWoofers9250 said:
NTA - besides the actual just wanting to hijack your wedding, you will be doing her a huge favor by not allowing it. Think about how sad everyone is going to feel for her because she's pretending to have a wedding. The pity stares and tip toeing around her will be a lot!
Also it's only been 3 years, she may say she will never get married but that's not a for sure. Why take away from your day when she has plenty of time to have her own.
LogicalDifference529 said:
NTA You’d actually be doing her a favor by not allowing this because she will look like an insane person. Years from now she will thank you for not having photos of her in a wedding dress at your wedding.
compassrunner said:
NTA. This is your wedding, not hers. Yes it is awful what happened to her, but that doesn't make it okay to her to wear her dress to yours. You aren't responsible for giving her an opportunity to wear the dress.
Bloodystupidjohnson3 said:
NTA. Your wedding; your rules. Yeah, her life sucked pretty hard, but that is her issue, not yours.
Clean_Factor9673 said:
NTA. It doesn't matter who you're marrying, this is completely inappropriate. She wears her wedding dress and the spotlight will be on her, not you and your husband; her pity party at your expense. Tell them you'll go scorched earth if she has the audacity to wear white and hijack any of your events.
NTA - besides the actual just wanting to high jack your wedding, you will be doing her a huge favor by not allowing it. Think about how sad everyone is going to feel for her because she's pretending to have a wedding. The pity stares and tip toeing around her will be a lot!
Also it's only been 3 years, she may say she will never get married but that's not a for sure. Why take away from your day when she has plenty of time to have her own.
AITAdressthrowaway OP responded:
This is probably the best point. I think she was excited imagining an idealized version where everyone understood and thought it was normal, but that obviously wouldn’t be the case. She’s pretty prone to imaging a perfect scenario of whatever idea she has without stopping to think through how it’d actually go.