Groom refuses to reschedule wedding after partner's sister is widowed, 'there's no way she can attend. AITA? UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not rescheduling my wedding after my partner's sister was widowed?"

I (34M) am supposed to get married next month. Now I'm not sure it's going to happen. My partner's sister (35F) was widowed last month. I've gotten a front row seat of how it has rocked my soon to be in-laws.

Everyone has really tried going above and beyond for his sister, making sure she's as comfortable as possible. And I truly can't imagine, you know? You'd probably have to institutionalize me if something happened to my boy.

My partner's mom came to him a few days ago and asked if he would consider postponing the wedding. She said they would cover all the lost money, would help us re-plan, etc. Apparently his sister has said there's no way she can attend the wedding, and his mom knew how important it was to him to have her there, so she just wanted to offer an alternative plan.

I'm not very sentimental, but my partner is. Our wedding was planned for the 10 year anniversary of when we met. That's something that meant a lot to him, which makes it mean a lot to me, too.

I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I'm just raging. I can't help it. My emotions aren't allowing me to be objective. I know his mom came to him in good faith, but it makes me so angry to think about this being put on his shoulders a month before our wedding.

He was so excited. And now I'm worried that if we don't reschedule, he's just going to be in his head the whole time, feeling guilty and unable to fully enjoy himself. I know his sister is hurting.

I'm trying my absolute hardest not to piss off the family that is soon to be mine, one that's already mine in a lot of ways. Still, I'm so mad. I'd appreciate some objective POVs.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Proud-Geek1019 said:

Major question. What does your partner want? If he wants to postpone - do it. If he wants to elope on the day and have a wedding or reception for family later. Do it. If he wants to proceed. Do it. Doesn’t seem like you care either way, so it shouldn’t be just your decision.

Busy-Drop123 said:

Please consider there aren’t just your costs- there’s also the cost for each guest to travel, time taken off of work, hotels/flights/cars- depending on the size of your wedding, the cost to change dates could be significant for each of your guests as well.

fromhelley said:

How many guests would be traveling and took time off work to do so? That has to be considered. These folks are not getting paid back! I honestly think shouldn't stop completely when someone passes. But the deceased' family and close friends need to mourn. You shouldn't, and neither should your partners.

But this is about partners sister. She will be morning a long time. I would remind my partner about the guests that will have a hard time rescheduling, but ultimately let my partner make that decision. It affects his family most, so he should decide!

Cinemaphreak said:

If it is still very important to him to be married on that date, you could always have a small civil ceremony and then later have a big renewal of vows ceremony when the SIL has had time to recover.

Erarainglow said:

NTA. This is a really tough situation, but they’re asking way too much. Your partner’s sister’s grief is understandable, but that doesn’t give them the right to derail your wedding plans at the last minute. You’ve planned this for 10 years, it’s a huge milestone, and they knew the date.

A month before the wedding is just cruel to ask this. Your partner’s mom is trying to be helpful, but she’s putting her son in an impossible position. He’ll feel guilty either way. Maybe suggest a compromise?

Like a smaller, private ceremony now, and a bigger celebration later when his sister is in a better place. But postponing the whole thing? That’s a massive ask, and you’re not the ahole for saying no.

ExaminationOk7511 said:

Sister is devastated, who wouldn't be. Honestly, until you loose your partner, you have no idea what it is like. I lost my husband four years ago to a sudden heart attack. He collapsed in our backyard, and they were unable to revive him. Now, every day going in and out of my house I see the spot in the yard, constantly being reminded of that's where he died.

No one, even the sister will know when she will be able to attend a joyous occasion such as a wedding. It may take her six months it may be six years or never to gets to the point where she is able to handle certain things.

You and your partner will have to do what you feel is right. I know you want to get married and have been getting excited for the big day, but my advice is don't gilt/push either partner or sister into doing something they are not comfortable with. It will end badly if you do. I hope all goes well for you. Please be patient with your partner and new family.

Jitterbug26 said:

I can relate. I was widowed young and my niece chose to get married on the one year anniversary of my husband’s death. I understood the reasoning- teachers and spring break- but it was something I dreaded. I wanted to mourn him that day, not celebrate them. But I went - and it actually helped distract me from the significance of that day.

I would have a sincere conversation with sister. You and fiancé, no mom. Talk to her about the significance of the date to you and that the plans are really too far along to cancel. And even if you did…what’s a reasonable time to reschedule? 6 months? Still be hard. A year? Still hard.

She has learned the hard way that life is short….so you want to be married. If she’s any kind of reasonable person, she’ll tell you to carry on. Just be prepared for her to back out or disappear for a while. Have a plan B in place in case she bails last minute.

UPDATE:

I'm a married man. :) I let my husband take the lead on making the decisions here and let him know I would support whatever he chose. After some discussion, we decided to cancel the wedding and elope instead. My husband said he wouldn't feel right, gathering all his family and our friends without his sister present, but it was still very important to him that we got married on the date we first met.

It was perfect. It was exactly the right choice. It was quiet and intimate and us. There's nothing in the world I love more than seeing him smile, and he was stuck in perpetual :D mode.

I was so worried if we had the wedding, I would look over and see him looking anything less than thrilled because it wasn't how he envisioned it without his sister there. I think the complete change in expectation made it easier for him to let go. Again: exactly the right choice. We're on cloud nine.

In the lead up, there was a lot of calling vendors, friends, and family to let them know we were cancelling. It was very short notice and we weren't rescheduling anything, so we lost all of our deposits. Our loved ones were really understanding of our decision, at least over the phone. We had very few people flying in, only three friends, and his mom agreed to cover their flights as well.

Finally, to address my anger. Most of it was directed towards the universe, but I'll admit that I was mad at my mother-in-law. Discussions about our wedding and his sister's grief were ones we were already having. Still, a third party coming to him and making this request felt cruel, in the moment.

It felt like a guilt trip, like unnecessary pressure on my husband when he was already having to make these decisions anyway. We eventually made the choice we wanted to make, but he did tell me at one point he didn't want his mom to think he was heartless if we had the wedding without his sister.

Emotions were running high for everyone. I don't think his mom would ever think he's heartless. I know no one was out to get us. His mom was doing her best to make the day comfortable for everyone and navigating that is basically impossible. Still, I'm not sorry for my anger. And maybe that still makes me the ahole, but I'll be the asshole who loves his husband and puts him first in every situation.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

BuffayTan said:

Congratulations to both! To a lifetime of happiness!

Independent-Gur1817 said:

NTA, you had every right to be upset. But I'm glad everything worked out.

TexasBurgandy said:

Congratulations to the both of you! May your love continue to grow and strengthen throughout your days.

Humanvs519 said:

Congrats to you both! Try to resolve that anger as everything turned out just right. Feelings can fester and come out in other ways later.

NerdyGreenWitch said:

NTA and congratulations. You had every right to be upset. It’s obvious sister is the golden child. Yes what happened to her is awful and I’m so sorry but it didn’t give her or your MIL the right to guilt you into destroying your wedding plans and cost you tons of money. They should have been as understanding to you as they were demanding you be of them. Instead they proved your feelings don’t matter.

CatPerson88 said:

NTA. My condolences to your family, especially your husband. Congratulations on your wedding!

SECOND UPDATE:

I wanted to give one last update just answering some final questions that people had. My MIL did make good on her promise to cover costs. She reimbursed 3 friends of ours for their flights, and us for all the money we lost in deposits.

She is also now aware that we’re married. My husband went over to help her with something and she noticed his ring. I wasn’t there, so this is a secondhand account from him. She was apparently a little annoyed and talked about how much she wanted to be there and that cancelling didn’t mean we had to still run out and get married, especially without telling her.

My husband said he was firm in letting her know that we appreciated her reimbursing us, but that our wedding wasn’t something she could just place continuous demands on. The only person he has trouble standing up to is his mom, and he said “I was thinking the whole time about how you’d be proud of me.”

And I am so proud of him! It's probably best I wasn't there. He handled it and there was no risk of me running my mouth. SIL still doesn't know. She's, understandably, not doing great right now. Neither of us have seen her for a couple weeks now but my husband tries to get her on the phone at least once every few days.

Will we reschedule? I'm letting my husband have the final say with this. Recently we've been leaning towards an extended honeymoon instead. And finally, am I a sociopath? This question wasn’t posed directly to me, but was being discussed on a different subreddit, along with speculations about my family life and comments wondering why I didn't mention my husband's reaction to the death.

I can put the sociopath rumors to rest — I have a lot of very intense feelings, which is pretty antithetical to the whole concept. It is true my home life wasn't safe or happy, though. I feel like I've made that pretty clear without diving into details. Being gay and being “raised” by small-minded people is rough. I was in therapy for years.

So yeah, I'm not great at extended family dynamics. I try. My husband understands. That man has met me where I'm at so many times and I'm so grateful. Oh, I looooooove him. Being treated gently after never having experienced that before was (and still is) life altering.

I didn't come here to discuss anyone's grief in detail. I still won't be doing that. It's not necessary and it's very personal. These posts were about rescheduling the wedding and that question has been answered.

Thank you for all the advice given and all the kind words. It really helped me figure out a solution and feel my emotions without burdening those close to me with them.

Here's what people had to say about the second update:

HUNGWHITEBOI25 said:

Congrats on getting married. You were NTA in the original post and you continue to not be one now. Good luck in everything in future Op :)

Endora529 said:

NTA. Your MIL was nuts for even suggesting that you postpone the wedding to begin with. She’s sounds super controlling too. At least she reimbursed you for the deposits and your guests flights. Do what’s best for you. Congratulations on your marriage.

Ginger630 said:

NTA! Cancelling the wedding didn’t mean you wouldn’t get married. Your MIL is quite demanding and I’m glad your husband stood up to her. She cannot keep dictating how you handle this. If you go us do decide to celebrate, don’t give into anymore demands.

JustAsICanBeSoCruel said:

NTA. An extended honeymoon sounds like a really lovely idea, and for what it's worth, I really don't think you are a sociopath for wanting to go through with the wedding. If you had demanded she attend your wedding and made a huge fuss about her not going, THAT would have been sociopathic. But that wasn't what you were doing.

Take a long honeymoon. Focus on you two and let this all be a reminder to enjoy each other as much as you can while you have each other. Maybe also send SiL some flowers or a care basket so she knows you are thinking about her? Get her a little something special while overseas so she has something to cheer her up when you guys come back?

tigerofjiangdong1337 said:

NTA then or now.. I personally wouldn't do a wedding. They asked you to cancel and you did it. What happened to his sister sucks but grief does not mean everyone around you puts their lives on hold.

You got married with just your husband by your side on a day that was special to you both...personally I would use all the extra money to go on an extended honeymoon. I had a decent size wedding and it was exhausting.

little_Druid_mommy said:

NTA, don't have the wedding at all and take an extended honeymoon! Your MIL can screw off and it might be time for your husband to get some therapy regarding his mother and putting her in time out.