'AITA for wanting my family to have their own quiet room at our wedding reception?'
"AITA for wanting my family to have their own quiet room at our wedding reception?"
I (25M) am recently engaged to my lovely fiancee (25F). We have been together for 4 years. We have started general wedding planning. Her family is much bigger than mine and she wants more of a "party" type wedding, with lots of music and dancing.
My family is all a bit older than hers (she is the oldest sibling while I am the youngest), and they aren't into big, loud weddings. They would prefer something quiet and more focused on socializing, and I would too.
My fiancee said we could do an extended cocktail hour and/or start the reception later so there would be more time for quiet socializing, or even start the whole wedding earlier in the day so it wouldn't go as late. She also suggested that we could take our wedding photos before the ceremony so that we wouldn't have to miss cocktail hour to do them.
I suggested that instead, we find a venue with two separate rooms. That way her family could have a louder party in one, and mine could have a quiet reception in the other. It would be in the same venue so each side could still go over to the other to socialize.
My fiancee said she "actually really hates" that idea. She said she feels like that defeats the purpose of a wedding, which is supposed to symbolize the union of two people and their families.
She also said she doesn't want to do that because she worries I'll spend the entire reception with my family and that she'll have to choose between spending the night with me but ignoring her family, or being with her family but us "basically being separate at our wedding."
She also said she feels like the wedding we're planning is becoming less and less ours and more mine. She said this because she originally wanted a child-free, non-religious wedding but compromised on a church ceremony with children allowed because that is what I want. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
MyHairs0nFire2023 said:
YTA. You should learn what the word “compromise” means prior to marriage. It’s super important. If you both continue down this path before you do, this won’t end well. It might also behoove you to set your family straight NOW rather than later.
Your marriage can’t be the equivalent of Burger King where they can have it their way - which is exactly what they (& you currently) seem to believe that it is. Your fiance already “compromised” by giving you a church wedding & inviting children - two of the biggest base issues to decide with a wedding. I’d love to hear about what major base issues she got her way on at all.
OP responded:
I feel it is necessary to have two separate rooms because my family is not impressed by the big party weddings. I don't want them to judge me and my fiancee or spend the evening not enjoying themselves.
The original compromise was to do a religious ceremony with children allowed, followed by a child-free reception, but she agreed to change it to children being allowed at the reception after some of my family said they wouldn't want to deal with setting up childcare in the middle of a wedding.
mfruitfly said:
YTA. You aren't compromising at all, and you aren't hearing your fiancee very clearly tell you that she is aware you aren't compromising or even considering her as THE person to plan this wedding with. I don't exactly understand what you want out of a reception, to be honest. You don't want it to be loud but you wanted children involved.
You don't want it to start earlier, you don't want an extended cocktail time before the reception, it seems the only thing that would make you happy is two separate rooms. Your fiancee rightfully points out that this would mean there are two events going on, and where would you spend your time? How would anyone have fun at all?
So your fiancee has already made two big compromises- children and religious ceremony- and has given you a bunch of ideas that actually really would work.
A day wedding with a longer cocktail hour, pictures before the ceremony, give "older" people plenty of time to enjoy family and the venue, and those that want to stay for a "louder" reception could then go and have a great time. But where are you compromising? Where are you putting your fiancee first?
ReviewOk929 said:
YTA - With all due respect this is a dumb idea. Nothing says this is not a union of families than having two separate rooms. It's also completely impractical for a wedding. She's right you'll end up in one room and her in the other. Not the most promising start to married life...
Specialist-Pattern87 said:
YTA - I feel so, so bad for your soon to be wife. While compromises are necessary in most healthy partnerships, as others have pointed out, you’re not looking to compromise here. You’re putting your family’s perceived wants over your fiancé’s on what will be her wedding day, one of the biggest days of her life!
Of course, it’s your wedding too & you both should be looking forward to it, but you’re asking her to sacrifice her big day & for what? This will be a horrible start to a marriage should you choose to continue to put your foot down like this.
WelfordNelferd said:
YTA. Your fiancé has done more than enough compromising; it's your turn. Also, your family will survive a big loud party for this special occasion and (if they're not careful) they just might enjoy it.
Competitive_Ask_9179 said:
YTA - sounds like she has compromised quite a bit. What have you compromised one...two reception rooms seems ridiculous. Like saying yay we are supposed to be one family...but we are going to keep you in different rooms...
NTA, but I think you might have phrased this wrong by framing it as one room for her family and a separate one for yours. Ideally everyone will eat in the same room to start with, and you can keep it relatively chill during dinner.
Afterwards, the party will kick off in the party room, and any guests who prefer a chill experience can move off into the quiet area. You can make the rounds through both areas, but it's expected that most of your time will be spent on the dance floor with your new wife.
Forcing your older relatives to endure a noisy party is not "symbolizing a union." It's forcing her family's preferences on them.
Cancel the wedding. You are not ready for marriage. Which is notoriously all about COMPROMISE and what you’ve described is her caving in to all of your demands and her not getting the wedding she wants. You are not ready. Also YTA.
OP responded:
I also worded it like that when I suggested it to my fiancee, but she said she knows it'll end up being just my family in the quiet room and that I'll end up spending more of my time in there. Yes, my family will probably end up being the only people in the quiet room but that is out of my control and I don't think it's wrong of me to want to spend more time with my family.