Groom uninvites mother from wedding after she invites FIL, 'How could you DO THIS to my fiancé?' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is furious with his mother leading up to his wedding, he asks the internet:
"AITA for uninviting my mother to my wedding after she invited FIL?"
My fiancée (29f) and me (34m) are getting married in two weeks after 13 years of friendship and four years of dating. She's fantastic and our relationship has been so good for the both of us. Planning the wedding has been uncomplicated and fun. We included my mother a lot, for example, my fiancee took her dress shopping.
The reason is, that my fiancee has always had a good relationship with my parents, and it grew much closer over the past year, after her mother died. They kind of see her as another child and I know that fiancee appreciates that immensely.
As for my fiancee's father, she went NC when she was 15, even before he hadn't played an important role in her life. His behavior was one cause in her having depression and low self-esteem, it took her years to heal. She's happy with the way things are now, I never met the man, so neither of us considered inviting him to the wedding.
My mother however won't understand why we won't invite him. Mum is a retired psychologist. She's had some experience with children-parent reunification and she thinks my fiancée needs that, even more after fiancee's mom's death.
Fiancee and me both have shut my mum down plenty of times. We both made it clear, that this man was not to know anything about my fiancée's life nor would be welcome anywhere near the wedding. For a while, my mum shut up. My mum doesn't know fiancee's father.
The other night we had dinner with my family. My mum had an announcement. Apparently she looked my fiancees father up and went to see him. Then she invited him to our wedding. She seemed so pleased.
My family was appalled and angry, they all know what has happened. My fiancee somehow remained calm and told mum how inappropriate that was, how mum hurt my fiancée terribly by stepping over the one boundary she ever had.
How fiancee had lost all her trust in mum after this. I then uninvited my mom and we left. Fiancee only broke down at home.
My mother's also been inconsolable since and called me dozens of times, but I haven't picked up yet. Fiancee feels unsafe to have the wedding if there was a chance that her father might show up.
We might just cancel the whole thing. My father, who's not condoning any of my mother's actions, thinks I should talk to mum, hear her out. My siblings agree that uninviting her was too drastic. I just see the distress my mother had caused my fiancee and get angry all over again. So AITA/AWTA for sticking to our decision?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
gareee writes:
NTA. Cancel the wedding and go and elope instead. That kind of betrayal would be enough for me to consider going no contact with my mum. It wasn't just a small mistake or an oversight.
It was a deliberate action to trample boundaries and to push an agenda you had made very clear you and your fiancee had no desire to pursue.
As a retired psychologist, your mother should have known better then anyone just how damaging the actions she chose would be to your financee, and to any existing relationship between the both of you and herself.
jajaj22 writes:
NTA. If your wife feels unsafe around your mom, then you would not be the AH if you kept your mom from the wedding.
Your mom refused to listen and believe everyone telling her to mind her business because she thought she knew better. Well, she f&ed around and found out, only it was your fiancee who was hurt the most. Trust is hard to mend once broken.
If you keep the wedding date, it's important is to make sure the dad doesn't show. Make your mom (with your dad for insurance) go back and tell him he isn't welcome. That if he shows up anywhere near the wedding then the authorities will be called. Assign people at the wedding to keep watch for him and make sure he leaves.
It would be a shame to call off the wedding, but if neither of you would enjoy it because she'd be so on edge about her dad knowing and showing up, then what's the point?
vehiccc writes:
NTA. Your mother was waaaaay out of line and it wasn't her place to use your wedding as a platform for whatever family reunion project she wanted to try.
She should know better. I'm not surprised your fiancee feels unsafe and I don't think uninviting your mother was an over-reaction at all - she took it upon herself to meddle in the guest list and doesn't like the consequences? Boo hoo.
If I were in your position I would absolutely cancel the wedding and rearrange for a different date and venue and not share this information with your mother. No-one can turn up uninvited if there is nothing to turn up to.
Since he has the details now, there is nothing preventing him turning up even if he is formally uninvited, so really the safest option is to move the event - venue, date etc.
You state that your father and siblings don't condone her behaviour but are still pushing you to hear her out?
Sounds like they are tacitly complicit though - if they were really on your side they wouldn't be pushing you to hear her out (which is basically code for let her beat you over the head with her opinion until you agree she is right and go along with her plan).
There is nothing for you to 'hear out' - you've already made your decision. The only thing she can do at this point is to uninvite your fiancées father and work at trying to rebuild the trust she broke. But I'd place good money on her not being willing to even try doing the former.
You set your boundaries, your mother violated them. End of story. She hurt your fiancee and betrayed her trust. There needs to be consequences. Additionally, by getting in touch with your fiancées father she has opened a communication channel he can use.
This needs to be unequivocally closed and it sounds like your mother is unlikely to do that because she somehow feels like she knows best (the arrogance of so-called 'professionals') so until she can prove that channel is closed she can't be trusted. It was a shitty thing for your mother to do. You're NTA at all.
sensi writes:
You guys should go ahead and cancel the ceremony. There is no way your fiancée is going to enjoy it. She will be tense and afraid the entire day. I was afraid of my father until the day he died, even though he was cut off for five years.
I ALWAYS had a fear in the back of my mind he was going to show up out of the blue. Knowing there is no possible way he can show up now has been such a relief. I could never, ever trust someone again if they had tried to ambush me with him. Never. I would never want to be around that person again.
Your mother has ruined this wedding for your fiancée. There’s no way to make it ok with the original ceremony.
You have not overreacted by uninviting your mom. You should also tell everyone why the ceremony is canceled—because for people who have made plans to come from out of town and spent money on reservations/ lodging need to know asap. Geez, some people aren’t even going to be able to come at a later date because of work situations.
Your mom has fd up so bad. I honestly don’t know if this can ever be fixed. She thought she knew best and that she’d be the hero and everyone would be so grateful.
Now, your fiancée might never want to be around her again. This is so much more than just the wedding.
This may have cost her a relationship with her daughter in law, and access to future grandkids, and possibly even her relationship with you—cause if your fiancée never forgives her there will be a choice in your future too. WTF is wrong with your mom?
heaaaa writes:
NTA. This was absolutely unacceptable. Your mother can never undo this. She went behind your fiancée’s back to the one person she doesn’t want in her life. She can never earn back this trust.
I’m appalled that a retired psychologist would trample all over a clear boundary like this. A clear boundary held by someone she claims to care for. Let alone think that an event like a wedding is the way to do it. Just bang, here’s everyone we know and love in one place on what’s meant to be the happiest day of our lives, come on in!
There’s nothing to ‘hear out’. There is no possible excuse or justification. The only slightly good thing she did was tell you in advance. At least you weren’t both blindsided with his presence on the day. The thinnest silver lining possible on a very big cloud.
However, you need to talk to your mother if only to find out what else she might have told FIL about your fiancée and your lives. Make it clear you need to know everything he might now know.
I’m so sorry. I’d reschedule the wedding so fiancée can feel 100% safe and send any invoices from the cancellation of this one to your mother. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and marriage.
victorrr writes:
NTA. And thank you for having your fiancé's back. She needs you. And tell her you're so proud is a strong woman for actually remaining calm in the heat of that momejnt and telling your mom how she crossed the one boundary in her life. I mean, I as a stranger am proud of her.
If you cancel everything and lose a lot of money on it, it would probably still be better than the emotional harm a sudden encounter with her father would do to her and you.
But you could also see if you can keep the best of the wedding while also canceling all the big social stuff.
Maybe take some photos wihh the photographer you booked with the dress and suit you'll be wearing but in another place than you originally planned, and order some food of he place you decided to dine at with the wedding but only with people you still trust.
garat writes:
Your siblings sounds like they are afraid of confrontation and may be looking out for themselves a bit. Wanting to avoid an awkward future. Unfortunately, this is a future that your mother created.
I can understand them feeling you may have overreacted on the surface, but once you step back and get an outsider’s perspective, it is plain to see how massively your mother has screwed up.
Hopefully your siblings will become supportive of whatever you and your fiancé decide. I am glad that they at least voiced support of your side but just disagreed with the consequences.
I do feel that you may have reacted a bit in the moment - however, it wasn’t necessarily a “bad” or “too harsh” reaction.
I do not know the extent of your fiancé’s father’s neglect and abuse. That variable may be significant. It sounds like your mother places less severity/value on your fiancé’s father’s behavior than your fiancé does. That could be a good discussion to explore.
The idea that your mother violated a boundary that was repeatedly articulated, and did so without reservation, quite frankly, extremely concerning.
Where does this type of boundary-disregard end? How will affect future boundaries with children etc? If she is this oblivious to your welfare/requests what else will she disrespect and disregard?
Do you thing your mother genuinely respects your fiancés or do you think she feels superior? Are they/were they close?
My curiosity is on what there is to “hear out” - the only thing should be apologies. If there is any defense whatsoever then I would be concerned about hubris not allowing true repentance.
I would worry that a lesson wasn’t actually learned and that manipulation and/or continued disrespect/disregard will continue since she thinks she knows better.
You will need to be very careful in how you move forward. My heart breaks for all of you as this just sounds like such a cluster. So stressful and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
You are NTA for your feelings and reaction- especially if you are considering a way forward. It hurts the most when we are hurt by those we love. I hope you all find a positive way forward.
gra%Q writes:
NTA. And can I say how strong your fiancée is for remaining calm when your mother came out about inviting your fiancée’s father?
I would’ve been LIVID in that situation. Its not even that she doesn’t want him there cause they don’t get along, she said she doesn’t feel SAFE with him there, on what should be the happiest day of y’all’s life having her father there could be a massive trigger for her.
It’s good that your father sees how inappropriate your mother’s actions were, and I would simply tell him and your siblings that until she uninvites him and apologizes that she can’t come, she REALLY crossed the line, especially since she’s a former psychologist, what kind of cognitive dissonance is she displaying there?
And now, OP's 1st update:
Thank you all for your advice and perspective. It's truly heartbreaking how many of you have estranged relatives and can relate to this. I'm sorry!
I met my dad earlier. He's really sorry for what my mom did and how he'd pushed me to listen to her at first. I told him that my fiancee was the person hurt in this, that it was really up to her.
Dad did offer to cover additional costs we might have now. Both siblings called individually to apologize to fiancee as well. Idk what to make of it just now, it's a good start I think. Haven't talked to mum though.
Also, my fiancée's bil had a good idea regarding the wedding, we might do it earlier. That way we'd at least keep the venue. We're still figuring details out, but it might actually work.
Edit 3: thank you all so much for the comments and advice. There is a lot going on right now, we'll post an update when things settle. Fiancée sends her thanks!
OP's 2nd update:
This is the update repost to my first post, since a bunch of people asked for one. First, thanks for all the helpful comments, insights, and awards. We were very overwhelmed and grateful. And thanks to the mods for helping with this update. I've never had a post get this much attention and didn't know how to do this.
The biggest thing is, we are married. In the end, my wife’s sister and BIL saved the day. Originally, the wedding was on the 18th at BIL’s restaurant, that was the date and place where we went from friends to dating five years ago.
On the day of the OP, wife went to see her sister, they suggested having the wedding a week earlier, on the 11th. It felt like the best option, BIL was willing to do the work, because wife is like a sister to him. His team and him got a generous tip from my dad.
Wife, SIL, BIL and I told all the guests save my family of the date change. Wife didn’t want to tell people why. Amazingly, everyone made it work except for three people. My family was told the morning of the wedding, just to make sure wife’s father would not have time to come to the wedding, as he lives 15 hours away from us.
My family didn’t complain because they knew that they messed up. It was all a bit stressful, but my wife felt like a spy on a mission and had fun with it. I was glad to see her get excited again. And there was no sign of her father at the wedding, so I guess mom finally listened.
In the week before the wedding, we met my family to talk several times. These were long long talks. Why my mom did it? She just thought she knew better. No excuse other than arrogance. They all apologized. My wife said, one family torn apart by her father’s actions was enough.
She insisted that they were invited. So that was that. However, we made it clear, that contact with her father would be punished much harder in the future, especially when it comes to children. It’s forgiven but not forgotten, I guess.
As to what wife’s father found out from my mom, apparently not much. He knew a bunch already, from my wife’s eldest brother. Mom filled in gaps. That brother is the only of my wife’s siblings that was still in touch with their father.
Brother and wife were on thin ice before that already for many but different reasons. Yes, we let that brother attend the wedding, mostly because we didn’t want more drama. But we’ll tackle that when wife feels ready to do so. We did have a honeymoon to get to first.
All in all, I think we are fine. Wife is very hurt still, more so by her brother’s actions now. With my family, we’ll work on it. The imminent threat is dealt with, now we start fixing the damage. Through it all, my wife was amazingly calm and reflected. It made me much more grateful that I get to be with her.