'AITA for grounding my stepdaughter over her cruel prank on me?' UPDATED 6X

"AITA for grounding my stepdaughter over her prank?"

I (29) married my SD's (17) father (40) three years ago. Ever since day 1, I've struggled to connect with her. She's always been the only girl in her father's life, as her mother passed away when she was young.

Needless to say, he had a hard time when her father got a girlfriend, and then a new wife. I've tried where I could, but for the past five years total of our relationship, I've been subjected to a lot of anger and disrespect, and she gets even more resentful if her father takes my side.

I tried to find a fun bonding activity (under my husband's request), and so this morning I took her to a specialty hot sauce store, because she loves spicy food and pretends to be some expert. I hate spicy food, and I have cracks in my tongue. But I figured she could mostly enjoy this herself and I would watch her taste. We each picked a sauce for tasting.

She said mine was "terrible" because it was the most mild they had, and it was too sweet. She even laughed at me for being a "baby". She then tasted hers, and seemed absolutely unaffected. She said she picked one that wasn't spicy at all, and that it had really good flavors in it. After a lot of pressuring from her, particularly about how I was supposed to be "bonding" with her, I made the mistake and tried it.

Turns out, the sauce had the spiciest pepper, carolina reaper in it, and was one of the spiciest available for tasting. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to die! She laughed at me while the clerk in the store brought me something to help with the pain. It was absolutely terrible. He said he himself couldn't believe that my stepdaughter found this sauce not spicy, and she must be faking.

When we were back in the car, I told her on the spot she had no phone, tv, or computer for anything not school related for the next two weeks, because she clearly did this to hurt me. She screamed at me in the car about how I'm not her mother, I was gaslighting and vilanizing her, and that she wished I wasn't in her life.

I told her that if she thought I didn't have the authority to parent her, then fine. I'll just let her father punish her. She started the waterworks as soon as she entered the house, and surprisingly my husband flipped on me, saying that my expectations of "spicy" were unrealistic and that I couldn't "prove" that she really did it on purpose.

Even when I took her electronics, my husband gave them back to her, telling me that I'm harsh and unfair. Her daughter made several snide remarks, which he usually stops, but this time, he said she was justified. I told him that in this case, he was justified sleeping on the couch tonight. AITA for grounding my stepdaughter over her prank?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA and you and your husband need to work on being a team before this divide grows. Him dismantling your punishment and undermining your authority is a huge problem. He’s an ass and so is your stepdaughter who obviously knew what she was doing in the spicy store.

lincmidd said:

Prank them back. Tell husband that you spoke with a divorce lawyer and explained what happened and he told you what they did constitutes a criminal simple assault and that he advised that you file a police report and seek criminal charges against both of them. Tell that you have an appointment to go speak with a detective with your lawyer on Tuesday. That will get them.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Go ahead and downvote me. The H and SD set you up. They knew this would cause you serious pain and thought it was funny. Carolina reaper can cause serious burns. I’m glad you’re taking a break at your friend’s house and re-evaluating your relationship. You deserve better.

And Chaotic_Newt99 said:

Nta. But why are you still there ? Obviously it’ll never get better. And since she decided to pull a prank she knew could hurt you, and she knew her dad would take her side, why stay ? You’ll never be respected by either of them it sounds

She later shared this series of updates:

Update #1:

Husband came into the room, and said he wanted to discuss with me. He looked guilty, and I thought it was for the yelling. Sure enough, he and stepdaughter thought it would be a fun prank, and just believed I was being a baby over the spice.

He then saw how angry I was with his daughter, and got mad because she wasn't all to blame, but decided to just invalidate me rather than just come clean and tell the truth, but it backfired big time. He did apologize, but I'm just so hurt. I'm now at a friend's house. I'm still shaking, I'm so mad.

To specify, my husband had a large part in this. He actually is the one who gave me the idea of the store (obviously), and gave me a huge lecture about how I should just go and let her have fun, and just try the least spicy. He said he thought that "if I could laugh at myself" a bit, his daughter would bond with me.

I feel so angry and betrayed. I've come to realize that maybe he's a larger portion of the problem than the stepdaughter. He's blowing up my phone now, non-apologizing by claiming he didn't realize I'd get "so emotional" over it. I think they've won.

Update #2:

He's now magically gone 180. I finally sent him a text saying that I was not coming home for a couple of days. I felt manipulated by both of them (I'd been guilt tripped into this activity), and did not think I could handle being in a relationship where this is going on.

He then said, I shit you not, that his daughter mislead him into thinking this was a good thing for bonding, and that he'd reinstate her punishment if I came home..honestly? I'm disgusted by that. I'm still certain SD has her own issues with me, but I cannot believe he's so quick to use his child as a bartering chip for our marriage.

It makes me think that he knew we wouldn't get along, even if he assured me it would get better, and that he's really orchestrating a lot of the chaos in my life. I made sure he knew how grossly unappealing that was. I also sent SD a text, telling her that I was sorry for reacting harshly, but I thought it was all on her, and that was wrong.

I also apologized for her being in the middle of this, but I still said that I was hurt by her part in it, because at the least, I've always wanted a friendly relationship with her. I was left on read, and don't intend on contacting her again. I just feel bad because I don't know how many other times she's been weaponized by her father.

Update #3:

I'm having a spa day with my friend tomorrow (staying at her house now), and then after I'm contacting a divorce lawyer. What he's doing is any time we get in an argument, he's giving SD "ideas" to make my life hell. He pretends to be calm and okay to my face, but then he finds a way to "get me back".

I'm over this. I'll also be taking my things tomorrow, but I'll make sure I'm accompanied by a male friend, so that I feel safe.

Update #4:

I received a text back "from" SD this morning asking me to come home. She says I've abandoned her and her father, and that her late mother would never have done that. So now the kid who's been trying to get me out of the house resents me for leaving...I'm like 90 percent sure that my husband found out I sent SD a text, and is texting me "as her".

Needless to say, his panic to my leaving for a couple of days has been overwhelming and eye opening. I've contacted a divorce lawyer already over email, and hope to be calling later today. For now, I gotta run to the spa!

Update #5:

I have an update here! SD actually sure enough was not sending me those texts. I took a small spa session, spoke with a divorce lawyer on the phone (appointment tomorrow!), and then went back to house with a couple of girlfriends and a guyfriend. Thank god I did, because he was trying to force me to stay. He even called the police on me and my friends!

We explained what was going on, and of course we were fine. I also spoke to SD. She was mad, of course, but because I apparently told her father that if he took her phone and laptop, I'd come home. My husband was away for a moment, so I finally just went ahead and showed her the texts I got from "her", which were sent after she had her punishment reinstated.

She was freaked out, to say the least, and told me she hadn't even read the text I sent her! I took the chance to ask her about the car. Sure enough? My husband told her she could use it for the weekend, and then she was told that I changed my mind during her weekend, and then wanted her grounded for not driving it back immediately. I started crying (again).

I cannot tell you how terrified I was in that moment! I did take the chance to apologize to her in person, and tell her that I didn't know any of this was going on, and that I'm not going to pretend we've had a bond at all or even a real chance, but that she doesn't deserve any of this.

She cried too, and told me some other details of the night before, and that this also wasn't the first relationship that ended similarly, but now she's realizing why, and in 4 months when she's 18 she's going to be gone. I let her know that if she needs some help getting on her feet and out of this situation, let me know. It wouldn't be as a stepparent. Just as some help.

I also told her what I told her husband: I'm leaving for good, and I'm filing for divorce. I'm worth way too much to deal with this. Do I feel bad for SD? Yes. But there's nothing I can do about it, unfortunately. At least until she's an adult. Also, thank you for these awards! This is a throwaway, please don't spend money on me!

Update #6:

I'm out, staying with a girlfriend now! I'm still shooken up, but I feel so relieved. I feel like a major stress is gone in my life. It'll take a while to get the divorce through, but we have a police report now in which I explained to the police what was going on, since my husband called them. I now have proof.