My daughter Alexis (not her real name) is 15. She has been dancing for recreation and competitively since she was 3 years old and has been doing competitive dance since she was 9 years old.
She has nationals coming up, which is basically a very big and important dance comp where studios from surrounding states come to this big convention center in the city and compete.
She is also obsessed with Paramore, thanks to my husband who has taken her to many of their live shows. She idolizes Hayley Williams and has wanted to dye her hair like Hayley’s for a few years now.
This year for her birthday, she wants to dye her whole head neon orange. I told her absolutely not because she’s not allowed to hair any unnatural hair colors for nationals and other conventions/comps that are coming up.
She is very well aware of this rule because it is the standard in the competitive dance world. I’ve already paid all of the entry fees and cannot get a refund for this year. I told her that once nationals and all the mandatory conventions are over, she can color her hair however she wants.
She did not like this answer and stomped off to her room. I figured I would just let her be and eventually she would come around. I was wrong. She went to a sleepover at her friend’s house about a week ago and came back with the same bright orange hair I told her she could not have.
I was cooking when she walked into the house and nearly dropped the knife I was using. I was extremely upset and asked her what she was thinking. She gave me some excuse which I can’t remember, then rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of “it’s just hair dye, it’ll come out before nationals”.
I was livid, and shouted at her (which I’ll admit I’m not proud of) and she ran off to her room in tears. She knows better, and I’m completely dumbfounded as to why she thought it would be okay considering nationals is in two weeks.
She’s washed her hair at least 6 times in the last few days and the orange is still stuck. I bought color remover and let it sit on her hair for a good 2 hours, and nothing.
I’m so pissed because now I’m going to have to take her to the salon and spend 300+ dollars to get this color removed when I’m already over 400 dollars deep in the hole after the fees for the competition.
My daughter is currently grounded, still upset with me and hasn’t spoken more than a few words to me in days. She cried to my husband after I shouted at her and now he thinks I’m being unreasonable and called me “momzilla”.
Am I being crazy about this??! She knew the rules and I even told her she could do the hair dye after we get this over with. If this color doesn’t come out, she literally won’t be able to compete and I’ll have wasted over 400 dollars.
I just want to clarify that when I asked Alexis if she wanted to compete, she was very enthusiastic and told me yes. She has done nationals every year for a fee years now and has loved it every time she has done it.
I am very clear with her that since it is optional, she has the choice whether or not she wants to still participate and I am not forcing her in any way to do it. I am upset because she told me she wanted to do it, I paid the fees and now we can’t back out of it but also she will NOT be bale to compete if the orange doesn’t come out.
Update: Hello all, thank you for the insight. I was really thinking about it last night and realized shouting at her and grounding her was not an adult way of handling things.
I apologized to her and when we sat down for breakfast this morning and had a heart to heart conversation, in which we discussed the options she currently has. I calmly explained to her why what she did upset me and why I reacted the way that I did.
She apologized to me for going behind my back after I put a boundary in place. For those saying it’s not a big deal and it’s “just hair” you’re right. It is just hair. It’s not the orange hair that actually upsets me.
It’s the fact that she did it after I told her to wait because of the money I spent so she could be able to compete. I also asked her if being on the competitive team/doing dance in general is still something she truly wants to do, as some of you suggested.
She opened up to me and said that while she loves it, she’s exhausted and mentally drained during comp season and after. Part of the reason why she did the orange hair was because she thought she could get out of this one thing.
There is still a lot of ground to cover and other things that need figured out, but I told her she does not have to compete any more if she doesn’t want to and can just take her regular classes. She is still going to do nationals, but everything after that is up to her.
Also for those saying I am limiting her freedom of self expression and trying to control what she does with her body: just no. Not once have I ever tried to force my opinions or values onto her because it’s what I think is morally correct.
I am an avid supporter of her expressing herself however she wants…whether it be through her style, her hair, the music she listens to, etc. I will support her through every stage in her life no matter what she aligns herself with.
I’m not against the orange hair; I’m all for it, just not right at this very moment. In no way do I want to prohibit her creativity or self expression. I set boundaries for her with a compromise which I expected her to follow through with.
From one mother to—I’m sure the many others that have seen this—how can we expect our kids to grow up to be well rounded adults if we don’t set boundaries for them and occasionally limitations?
Alexis is no longer grounded, but not out of trouble. Her and I are going to brainstorm a different, more fitting way for her to learn from this. She is going to pay for a wig with money she earned from babysitting her cousins.
I texted her dance instructor to let her know what we are doing and so the approval of her wearing the wig to the comp is TBD until it arrives. If not, she will be responsible for finding out another way to cover up the orange.
For those who suggested box dye—putting box dye on my daughter’s hair will be the absolute last resort. I understand that she needs a fitting punishment and having to live with a muddy hair color from putting it over the orange will probably fit the crime, but I do not want her to be miserable for an unnecessarily extended period of time after the dance thing is over and after the situation has been dwelt on enough.
Alexis doesn’t want to put box dye on her hair either, but she said that if she has no other choice, then she’s okay with that. I told her that if we DO end up having to put box color over it, that she is going to have to live with it until it grows out enough to cut it off or she will have to pay her color correcting service.
NTA Honestly, I would just leave it, take her to nationals and when they tell her she can't compete because of her hair she can look the consequences of her actions in the eye ... and then she can pay you back the $400 she wasted by not just waiting a few weeks. She's plenty old enough to know that she made a mistake. That's if she wants to compete, maybe she was trying to get out of it without telling you?
**I say all this as someone who's been dying their hair "fashion colours" since they were 15, I fully support self-expression, but you have to time it right if you have events like this.
This is the answer. Natural consequences teach better than anything else.
I 100% agree with this unless she is on a team, don’t let her bad decision hurt others! If this is an individual event, let her face the consequences, there’s always next year. Or dye it black? It’s a natural color and you can get box dye for like $20.
Edit: a ton of the comments are saying black box dye is terrible, maybe a natural red would be better? That would probably be easier to get back to orange afterward?
NTA but maybe the answer isn't fix her hair but accept that she is going to miss nationals. If dance was that important to her she would have made sure she would qualify. If she's upset about missing it she will learn there are consequences for choices and in future maybe she will take them into consideration.
Ugh, need more info I guess. Does she care about this dance comp thing, or are you pushing her? How much did you pay for it? Is she usually defiant about rules? Did you discuss it with her, or just tell her she had to do what you said?
Regardless of which of you is an AH here, you definitely don’t need to spend $400 at the salon, Jesus. Just buy a box of hair dye in a ‘natural’ colour darker than then the orange and do it at home.
It’s super easy and will fix the problem, for less than $50. I colour my hair at home once every 4 to 6 weeks (because I cannot stand sitting still at the salon that long or paying so much for it).
Why do you need to pay $300+ to get the dye to come out? Just get a dark natural color box dye to go over it. Probably won't look as good, but it'll grow out eventually. Although before doing anything I would question if your daughter actually wants to continue dancing. Since she knew about the rule it seems likely she could be using this as a way to get out of dance. Especially if she's been pressured to continue.